Who Would Win In A Fight: Cancer Versus All The Other Zodiac Signs

I've always believed in horoscopes.

Every day before I leave for work, I check the paper to see if I'm going to control my environment or be controlled by it.

As I ready my bike, I assure myself, "Today is not the day to be impulsive." I owe my life to these horoscopes.

We are now in the middle of Cancer season, which means it's time for everyone born from June 22 to July 22 to stage a coup against all the Leos and rightfully seize the month of August.

Unfortunately, a crustacean has never once beaten the king of the jungle.

In fact, after a perusal of the rest of the signs, things look pretty grim:

Leo (The Lion)

While crabs can survive both in and out of water, lions are still lions.

In Greek mythology, as Hercules fought the multi-headed Hydra, Hera sent a crab to distract Hercules. Hercules crushed it, and now it's a constellation.

Meanwhile, in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," Aslan played God.

This one goes to the Leos.

Virgo (The Virgin)

Sorry to say, Cancers, but we're clingy, both emotionally and physically. We pinch hard and don't let go.

Enter the Virgin: extremely independent, analytical and untapped by choice. She lives a very scheduled life and never deviates from the routine.

But then, the Crab comes sauntering into The Virgin's life and makes her feel loved out of a need for reciprocal emotional support.

Over the course of a year, the Crab's empathetic pinchers pry into the Virgin's heart. They buy a small apartment in the East Village, and move in together.

They love each other, but the Virgin's dedication to stay true to her title and the Crab's emotional insecurity explodes in fights that have the neighbors concerned.

The Crab drinks himself to death, and the Virgin returns to her old routine. They both lose.

Hey, not every story has a happy ending.

Libra (The Scales)

The Libra is categorically lazy, and though he would like to win, he did not prepare for this fight.

Instead of sharpening his sword, he got super high and played hide-and-seek in a Home Depot with his other Libra buddies.

The Crab wins on a technicality.

Scorpio (The Scorpion)

The Scorpions penned this anthem in 1984, and "Rock You Like A Hurricane" has been a staple of classic rock since its creation:

Sebastian the Crab sang this song:

Unfortunately for Disney, Sebastian represents a racist portrayal of a Jamaican who would rather live “Unda da Sea” than earn an honest wage, implanting in children's brains a stereotype they will subconsciously propagate for the rest of their lives.

But, damn, is it catchy.

Crab wins.

Sagittarius (The Archer/Centaur)

Who would you want on your team: a half-man-half-horse, Harry Potter-saving badass, or a shellfish that loses to wooden hammers?

Crab is tasty, but Harry was in trouble.

Sagittarius wins.

Capricorn (The Goat)

Your doctor never has to give you a cream for “goats.”

Goat wins. Or, maybe Crab wins.

One is an STD, and the other is not.

Aquarius (The Water Boy)

We Cancers are emotional, creative and sensitive to criticism; whereas, Aquarii are sarcastic, aloof, inventive and original.

In other words, if a Cancer and an Aquarius attended art school together, the Aquarius would make some offhand remark about the Cancer's work being derivative, and the Cancer would drop out to teach fifth graders sculpture.

Unless yearly field trips to the museum beats feeling creatively fulfilled, Aquarius wins.

Pisces (The Fish)

The symbol for Pisces can either be interpreted as two fish or two dolphins tied together.

Pisces are devoted, imaginative and compassionate people. But, if you strap a dolphin to another dolphin, both dolphins are probably going to die. And, when their carcasses float to the seafloor, the Crabs will feast.

Crab wins.

Aries (The Ram)



No contest. Crab wins.

Taurus (The Bull)

There is no tradition in Spain wherein people flee from herds of crabs.

Yet, if you think running away from bulls is dangerous, try sailing toward crabs. It's the most dangerous job in the world.

Crab wins.

Gemini (The Twins)

While the crab served as the “bitch” figure in Hercules' mythology, the Scriptures of Delphi feature a monstrous crab named Crios guarding Poseidon's sea nymphs.

Then, a lot of bad mythical stuff happened: Crios fought a Vampire Squid named Vamari who had eaten the nymphs (spoiler alert), and he won despite tremendous injuries. Poseidon euthanized him, and Crios became a constellation.

Gemini mythology features Castor and Pollux, two adventurous twins whose sister was Helen of Troy. Long story short, Castor died, Pollux was sad, and they all became stars.

Apparently, when you die, you just become something for people to have romantic sex under.

We're all winners.