I have been writing about relationships for years. By far the most common, relentless question that comes across my desk (or rather, my inbox) is some variation of "How does he feel about me?" It's natural to wonder how someone feels about you when you know you’re falling for them. That uncertainty can be confusing, anxiety-provoking, and can make you feel vulnerable AF. (It can also be exciting.) Wanting the reassurance of knowing you're on the same page is valid.
Some people are great communicators and can verbally express how they feel in a way that makes you confident about what's in their heart — no guessing necessary. But the best way to know if a guy loves you secretly is to keep a close eye on the way his words align with his actions. “If it's real, words and actions should sync up,” Susan Winter, relationship expert, love coach, and author of Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartache, tells Elite Daily. “A person who's into you will exhibit thoughtfulness, attentiveness, and a desire to please you. Additionally, their words are in harmony with their behavior.”
If you’re looking for signs he wants you bad or that she can’t stop thinking about you, but they’re not verbally telling you how they feel, here’s what the experts say to be on the lookout for.
1. They’re happy spending time with you.
If the person you’re seeing wants to spend time with you and visibly enjoys hanging out, take note. The effort they put into making time for you in their life speaks volumes about how they feel about you, as Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, tells Elite Daily. “When someone consistently makes plans to see you despite their busy schedule, it’s a good sign of what you really represent in their life,” she says. “Someone’s definitely into you when they plan to make more time for you. Their desire to spend time with you and wanting to be involved in your world and day is a good sign they're constantly thinking of you.”
Lisa Concepcion, certified life coach, love life strategist, and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, tells Elite Daily that if someone's going out of their way to have frequent face-to-face interactions with you, they really care. "If they're into you, they want to be around you," she says. "It's that simple.”
2. They factor you into their decisions.
One of the clearest signs someone is serious about you is whether or not they consider you when making big life decisions. Do they consult you? Are they worried about the impact the choices they make will have on you and your relationship? If the answer is yes, then Concepcion says this is behavior consistent with someone who's invested in the relationship. “This is a very clear sign they're into you. When they have a life decision — for example, moving, a new job, or huge business opportunity, family event, health concern — and they factor you in and include you, that means they see you as a significant part of their life,” she explains.
3. You feel a deep connection to them.
If you're wondering whether someone's into you, Concepcion has another fairly simple suggestion — check your gut. What do your instincts tell you about your connection with this person? If your intuition is telling you there's something real and reciprocal between you, you can usually trust those instincts. “Trust your gut. You can feel it when someone's into you. You can feel the energy in their touch, the way they look at you, their voice. Energy doesn't lie and deep connection can't be forced,” Concepcion says.
That being said, your gut feeling should only be one part of a larger picture — you shouldn’t rely on it completely, Silva warns. “Intuition does offer a quick appraisal of a person and how they make us feel, but that might not always be reliable. Our brain is constantly comparing our current situation with our memories of previous situations," she explains. "When a decision feels intuitive, it might be based on past experiences and our desire for it to be different. Sometimes past relationship trauma can interfere with evaluating new partners.” In other words, your intuition is a great place to start but look to other behaviors to confirm — or refute — what it’s telling you.
4. You can be yourself around them.
When someone's really into you, they accept you for who you are — including all your quirks. That acceptance and security can make you feel safe being yourself around them, explains Winter. “Feeling safe and comfortable around a person is a very positive sign. And feeling free to be yourself indicates you've met somebody with whom you resonate and could be a good match,” she says. You feel comfortable because you can sense this person likes you for who you are. It never feels like you're walking on eggshells around them, or find yourself worrying they don't like you, Winter says. They make you feel secure and content.
5. They make an effort to stay in contact.
If a person drifts in and out of your life without any reliability, that could be a sign you're on different pages emotionally. However, if they're consistent in making time for you and keeping in contact, then Concepcion says that bodes well for your connection. “Are they attentive in between dates? Do you feel connected throughout the day?" she asks. “The amount of and type of communication is an indicator of how into you they are.”
6. They aren’t all talk.
It's easy to talk a good game, but when someone genuinely cares about you, they follow through with what they say, explains Winter. “Words and actions must align. If your partner's actions mirror what they say, that means they're authentically integrated. If all of this congruence centers around their positive feelings for you, you're golden,” she says.
This means they show up when they say they will, both literally and emotionally. You can count on them because their behavior is reliable and they've built that level of trust with consistent behavior. You can feel safe with them because they don't lie or let you down by falling short of promises they've made. While hearing what you want to hear feels great in the moment, if their actions don't back it up, those words can become meaningless.
“People make the mistake of placing too much value and hope in words. They end up disappointed, confused, and manipulated,” warns Concepcion. If you want to be sure of someone's affections, pay attention to how their actions add up.
7. They commit to you.
When someone's really into you, there's a natural momentum in the relationship. You don't have to push them to commit because they're eager to lock things down, because they care about you and want to be with you. And as hookup culture lives on, Winter says “the commitment-ready partner is definitely someone you should take seriously.”
Plenty of factors make modern dating confusing, but one thing that doesn't have to be difficult is knowing how someone feels about you. Looking at how they treat you, and ultimately, having an honest conversation about both of your feelings can give you the answers you need so that you don’t need to stress.
Lisa Concepcion, certified life coach, love life strategist, and founder of LoveQuest Coaching
Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method
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