Yes, there is such a thing as *too* much communication.
When my partner and I first started dating, we spoke to each other all day, every day. Sometimes he would even make me elaborate images using emojis when the conversation started to taper off. Nonstop conversation eventually gave way to intermittent texting, and while there’s no right answer for how often you should talk to your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, I definitely worried we weren’t talking as frequently as other couples. Communication is the foundation of pretty much any strong relationship, after all — but unfortunately, talking to your boo too often can be unhealthy.
According to Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples' therapist in Los Angeles, your daily texting pattern really depends on what works for you and your partner. “Every couple is unique, and so there really is no hard-and-fast rule about how often you should talk with your partner throughout the day,” he says.
That being said, New York City-based relationship expert Susan Winter recommends couples keep in touch on a daily basis, or — at the very least — every other day, especially if they’re long distance. “Without ongoing contact, your relationship will wither,” she warns. Different communication styles work for different couples, but if you’re looking for some guidance, this expert insight might help.
How often should you talk to your boyfriend in person? How often should you text your girlfriend? While there’s no rule for much you and your boo should talk one-on-one or chat throughout the day, texting your partner all day may do more harm than good. As Erica Gordon — dating expert, founder of The Babe Report, and author of Aren't You Glad You Read This? — previously told Elite Daily, constant texting isn’t a great idea. “It's unfortunately very common to text all day with your partner, especially in a new relationship," she said. "I say it's 'unfortunately' common because it's not a healthy habit, it's not a sustainable habit, and it makes you less independent and less productive in your day-to-day life."
Should couples talk every day? According to Gordon, texting at least four times a week is healthy, but at least once every day is ideal. “It feels nice to wake up to a 'good morning' text, and it's also nice when your partner sends you a sweet text to say good night before they go to sleep,” she added.
If there’s one aspect of a relationship that cannot be stressed enough, it’s the importance of healthy communication. “Maintaining regular communication is vitally important to the health of a relationship,” Winter tells Elite Daily. “It provides connection, comfort, and security.” Whether it’s texting, FaceTime, or a voice memo — they all help keep the partnership moving in a forward motion. “It's an opportunity to share the day’s events and your feelings for each other,” Winter explains.
Ever heard the phrase “out of sight, out of mind”? Winter says this is especially true of contact with your partner, and that a break in your communication pattern is a known red flag. “It signifies a loss of interest and that you're no longer a priority,” she says. “Inclusion is an aphrodisiac. Keeping the connection going keeps the spark alive.”
That said, talking to your SO too often can be a sign of a codependent relationship, and that isn’t healthy for anyone. "It's great to check in during the day, but it isn't (or shouldn't be) necessary to be in constant contact," Nicole Richardson, licensed marriage and family therapist, previously told Elite Daily. "Certainly, there are times like a particularly bad day at work when we may need a bit more support than a typical day. But too much texting makes it less necessary and more difficult to connect with others throughout the day."
You’ll know you and your partner are talking too often throughout the day if you have trouble concentrating or find that your productivity is affected, simply because you’re too busy reading and responding to your SO’s messages.
If you find that your partner is texting or calling you more often than you’d like, then it may be time for a frank conversation to set boundaries. “This can be achieved in a more polite way than simply not responding to texts from your partner," Gordon said. "You can simply explain that you are finding yourself less productive due to the constant texting, and you'd like to text less. Or, you can say that you'd like to catch up in person, because when you are apart you are often too busy with other things to text all day."
Reasonable and healthy texting boundaries, like "no texting after midnight" or “no texting during work hours,” can be beneficial for creating healthy digital communication between you and your partner.
Though you may wish your SO talked to you more often throughout the day, it’s possible their schedule doesn’t allow them to be glued to their phone. "It is important to have reasonable expectations for what your partner can offer during their day," Richardson said. "Limit texting to logistical things like when to meet, what to have for dinner, and flirting. A little, 'Have a great day cutie!" can go a long way."
It’s totally fine if you and your SO don’t have the same phone habits. It’s only when you feel either neglected or overwhelmed by your partner’s communication style that you may need to have a discussion.
In general, Brown says it’s more about what you talk about than how often you’re talking. “I think that the quantity of time you spend with your partner is less important than the quality of your conversations,” he says.
Oh, and if you get a chance, Brown recommends swapping out your texts for a good old-fashioned phone call sometimes. “I recommend that couples make actually talking a priority, rather than texting,” he says. “Certainly you can do both, but actually talking — even if just for a little bit — can make a big difference. No amount of texting can replace hearing your loved one's voice.” Yes to that.
Sources:
Dr. Gary Brown, couples' therapist
Susan Winter, relationship expert
Erica Gordon, dating expert, founder of The Babe Report, and author of Aren't You Glad You Read This?
Nicole Richardson, licensed marriage and family therapist
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