I'm all for reminiscing on the good times, but after a breakup, looking back on the all the memories you made with your ex is probably the last thing anyone wants to do. After you've healed, there's nothing wrong with mentally re-visiting the happiness you shared if you're looking back on it fondly. But when the breakup is still fresh, hitting up all of you and ex-bae's special spots may be a bad idea. There are just some places to avoid visiting after a breakup if you want to be able to heal properly and move on.
"All your feelings are legitimate," Holly Brown, a marriage and family therapist, wrote in a blog for PsychCentral. "It’s important to feel them fully, and then move on. [But] nursing your grievances indefinitely is a bad habit, because (as the title goes) it hurts you more than it hurts them." By going back to the places that once meant so much to you and your ex, you're nursing that grievance too much, and it may keep you from being able to fully move forward in your life without your ex.
I know how tempting it can be to revisit those special spots. You're hurting, you probably miss your ex, and you think that maybe if you bring yourself to visit the places that were special to you, it will help you move on. But it's the opposite, really. By visiting them too soon, you're not letting yourself come to terms with the breakup. Going back can reopen the wound by reminding you of all those memories before your heart's ready to relive it all. Here are eight places you should avoid until you know for sure that you've moved on.
Maybe you met them at a bar one night when you and your girls went out, or they were the cute barista at your local version of Luke's from Gilmore Girls. There are other bars and there are other coffee shops, even if the one where you met ex-bae has been your go-to spot for years. In the days, weeks, and months following your breakup, it may be in your best interest to switch it up and find new go-to places, so that you're not reminded of your ex everywhere you go.
Ah, the first date. You probably remember every little detail: where you went, what you had, what the weather was like, how nervous you were, how intrigued you were by this new person — everything. It's a sweet memory to look back on because it was the start of something beautiful. Revisiting the first date spot can bring back all those happy memories, which is not a bad thing at all. But when you decide to go back too soon, it can hurt when you have to face the fact that those memories are just that: memories.
One of the things that may haunt you when you're trying to heal after a breakup is all of your firsts, like your first kiss, your first time, or your first sleepover. Each one of these memories can sting a little extra, because it reminds you of a time when everything seemed so blissfully perfect. Stay away from these places if you want to give yourself your best chance at a clean break.
The first date is somewhat of a milestone, but the first anniversary? Now that's a big one. Some relationships don't make it that far, but yours did, and your anniversary celebration was one of the most beautiful nights you and your ex had. Wanting to go back to that place is totally normal, but again, revisiting too soon can make the breakup hurt even more. Don't do it!
Remember that night you and bae had nothing to do, so you drove around town and found your perfect spot? You'd go every time one or both of you wanted to get away, or when you just wanted to be alone together. Yeah, that spot is off limits for now. Too many mems there that'll make your heart shatter again and again.
Depending on how serious you and your ex were, you may have gotten to the point in your relationship where you were thinking about a long-term future together: getting engaged, moving in together, getting married, and maybe even kids one day. Visiting a jewelry store full of happy couples who are looking at wedding bands may remind you of that time you and bae "casually" walked through a jewelry store "just to look around." All those thoughts flooding through your mind of what could have been can push back all the progress you've made moving on.
When you and your ex were together, it was great having a friend who had a partner, too. You were the fantastic four, like Bughead and Varchie. But if you and bae are broken up, and your friend still brings her mans around every time you hang out, it's normal to feel a little sad. The four of you used to have so much fun, but now that it's just the three of you, it can bring back some painful memories. Don't cut your friend off completely, but maybe let her know that you'd appreciate some quality friend time, just you two.
When you're with someone for some time, you begin to learn their routines. You know where they get their coffee every morning on their way to work, their day-to-day schedule, the restaurant they go to every Friday night with their parents — you basically know where they are at all times. Don't try to find them. You'd be putting yourself in a situation where you know you'll run into them, which may be nice in theory, but then what? What do you say to someone who just broke your heart?
Every single one of these spots is probably near and dear to you, and holds a special place in your heart forever. If you're not emotionally ready to face the memories that will flood over you when you revisit each one, that's OK. It may be in your best interest to hold off just a little. I'm not saying you should never go back, but give yourself some time to heal, and visit when you know that being there won't make you nostalgic for your past relationship.
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