First dates can often feel like you're interviewing the other person to see if they'll make it to the next round of your life. But in reality, dates shouldn't feel like an interview. You want things to feel romantic and flirtatious, not professional and nerve-wracking, and you also want to see if you two are a match. There are certain questions not to ask on a first date that could make things uncomfortable for the both of you, which you likely don't want to happen.
I spoke with Samantha Burns, dating coach and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back as well as April Masini, relationship advice expert, to understand the questions you should probably avoid in order to keep your first date light and fun. It's understandable that you want the answers to some of these questions, but maybe they're better off tucking away until later on in the dating process with that person, should you continue to see them. Plus, they may willingly reveal some of this information anyway. If you're asked some of these controversial questions, I asked how to handle that too, should it come up. Here's what Burns and Masini had to say.
This question could bring up some hurt and pain from your date's past, so you may want to steer clear of it.
"Only 14 percent of singles are up for chatting about this topic," Burns tells Elite Daily, referencing the 2016 "Singles in America" survey conducted by Match.com. "Save past relationship discussions for future dates, as you get to know your partner better. If you must bring up your ex, the appropriate way to do so is in a positive, productive way, by addressing what you now realize you need in a relationship based on past experiences. Ex bashing is never attractive."
Now, you may just be worried about that person or genuinely curious, but try to avoid asking someone on a first date anything that goes into health.
"If someone wants to bring up a condition or if it’s obvious that they’re on crutches or have a cast on their arm, that’s fine," Masini tells Elite Daily. "But don’t delve into past illnesses [or] present illnesses. This is a first date, not a life insurance screening. If you continue dating this person, then it’s okay to talk about health, but not on a first date simply because it’s rude and too much, too soon."
Would you like to be asked this question? If you're asked this, you suddenly have to think of all your flaws and reasons people don't want to be with you. And that doesn't make for fun conversation, and certainly won't make you feel like your best self on the date.
"[It] can make someone feel flawed or put them on the defensive," Burns says. "What you really want to know is why your date hasn’t met their person yet. Instead, offer a compliment to put them at ease, such as saying, 'I’m really impressed by you,' then follow with the question, 'What is it that you’re looking for in a partner?' This will open the door to learning about what they value, and help you assess whether you could be a good fit."
"This is an intimate number," Masini says. "It’s personal. It’s not appropriate for a first date."
This is probably fine to ask if you're about to have sex, albeit direct AF, but don't pose this question if you're not at that point of sleeping together yet.
"If you’re looking for a serious relationship, there will be plenty of time to spice things up down the road, but this should be an opportunity to build emotional intimacy and figure out if you even like someone enough to consider being physically intimate," Burns says.
If your date asks you any of the above questions, or something else that makes you uncomfortable, at least it's a learning experience.
"You can ask why they want to know what they’re asking about," Masini says. "If you’re uncomfortable answering, say that. If you find the question repulsive, you’ve learned something good about this person, and you can limit your time with them. What’s most important about first dates is that they’re part of a process that people who are dating use to get to know someone to decide if they want to continue dating them."
So if they ask you something that makes you so uncomfortable you don't want to see them? Yes, that's completely valuable, too.
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