Messaging plays an inescapable role in dating culture. From dating apps to texting, chances are that even early on, you and your
potential flame have been sending messages — both subliminal and literal. When you're texting a crush and you fear the conversation has dwindled, it's easy for negativity to creep in. Why did I text them that? Who says that? I shouldn't haven't tried so hard. If texting stress has you spiraling, it can be difficult to know how to restart a conversation with your crush that fizzled out.
Texting a new crush can feel like packing before a day at the beach. Coordinating the chairs, towels, coolers, and mulling over whether or not bringing an umbrella is extra (it's not), then finally hauling everything from the car to the sand — it's no small feat. Like setting up for a
first date, you'll have fun when you get there, but actually getting there can be difficult, and it's easy to lose interest or momentum.
If you have your interest’s number and you've talked before, you're on the right track, right? To get to the bottom of this conundrum, Elite Daily spoke to some experts about the role texting plays in flirting and some ways for how to revive a conversation other than the dreaded "WYD?"
Chances are, you're talking either over an app or texts with some intention of eventually meeting up in person. At some point, texting a crush becomes less about getting to know who this person is, and more about getting to know how this person talks.
Flirting through text allows you to build more anticipation and momentum as the next time you two get together again draws closer," Thomas Edwards, Jr., founder of the dating service The Professional Wingman, tells Elite Daily. "The key with flirting is once you two have an idea of each other’s communication style, the effect of flirting over text dramatically increases."
If you know they have a
soft spot for dogs or love discovering new music, consider sending them a photo or dropping a Spotify link. This will hopefully send the subtle message of "thinking of you," without literally saying "I'm thinking of you (and why you haven't texted me?).”
“Start the conversation with a happy, sunshiny vibe,”
Cherlyn Chong, dating specialist and creator of the Get Over Him program, tells Elite Daily. “People don't like being accused of losing interest, they like talking to positive people. Feel free to be flirty. The most important thing is that you have a specific question to ask them so that they'll be more likely to reply.”
To help, here are some examples of good convo re-starters suggested by Chong:
"Hi, I saw this [thing] and it made me think of you [insert picture]. 😉 How has your week been?" "Hey you! 😉 You were on my mind today and you needed to know. How have you been?" "Hello! I assume your phone must have died for a week because it's been that long since we last spoke! If your phone is all charged up now, I'd love to hear from you."
Know What You're Looking For
If you're trying to move past a boring text convo and onto meeting up for dinner, a day at the museum, or a trip to a thrift store, it can be nerve-wracking to know when the time is right to directly ask your crush out. If your texting banter has really taken off, it's hard to know how to restart the conversation so it circles back to
asking them to hang out IRL. And if the text conversation hasn't taken off, how do you jump back in without seeming too enthusiastic?
"While I don’t recommend asking someone out immediately, you don’t want to drag it out either, so creating a little rapport before making the move is better," Edwards says. "As much as we like texting, it’s still important to focus on the main reason for communicating in the first place — to make plans to see each other again. So, the sooner you can make that clear, the better."
Sharing a common interest or mentioning a new coffee place you've been wanting to try can be a casual way to start up the banter, but definitely put some plans in motion, whatever they may be.
Need some inspo? Here are some ideas suggested by Chong:
"Hi! It's been a while since we've chatted! Wanna catch up this coming weekend at [local cafe]?" "Hey there stranger! I was thinking of you and remembered that we never got around to [activity]. Wanna go this weekend?" "Hello! I'm hosting a little get-together this weekend and I was wondering if you'd like to come?"
Thinking about how to restart conversations can be a headache. In the beginning, it can be helpful to be concise. A conversation restarter is different from
an opening line. You have already piqued your crush’s interest, and you know that they know how to find you if they want to speak with you again.
For this one, as Chong explains, you’ll need a more pointed reason to reach out. “It's much better to have a purpose rather than a generic line,” she says. “If you ask someone a specific question, you will get a specific answer. If you're going to not put some effort into it, people will feel that.”
No one has time for wishy-washy messages, especially when texts are so easily misinterpreted. "If you’re looking to restart a conversation, the most effective ways to do it is either by starting a completely new conversational thread or recalling something from a previous conversation," Edwards says. Did you leave anything unresolved in your last conversation? Pick up where you left off.
Here are some direct examples provided by Edwards of how to start a conversation with a girl or guy over text:
"Oh man, you won’t believe what happened to me this weekend.” “Hey, how did that presentation turn out?” “I was thinking about our conversation last week and how you said you love [subject]. Guess what I just saw…”
In most cases, the first person we give our number to or match with on a dating app doesn’t become the person we run off into the sunset with. If you've restarted the conversation a couple of times and it seems difficult to keep it going, it may be worth putting the phone down.
"I’ve always taken a “three-strike” approach. If you’re not getting much of a response, it’s OK to try again a couple more times. After that, you may need to cut your losses and move on," Edwards says. Maybe they're not a texter, and perhaps you’ll bump into them on the street in a few weeks and have an amazing (and flirty) chat. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be this time, and honestly, you don't need the stress.
“It's definitely time to cut your losses if the
person responds with short, uninterested replies, or you feel overall that you're forcing the other person to respond to you,” Chong says. If that’s the case, she says it's OK to be honest and say something such as: “It sounds like you aren't that interested. I'd hate to force you into something you rather not do, so let's just call it a day and go our separate ways from here. I wish you the very best!”
According to Chong, “Taking control in this manner helps a lot in maintaining your pride while acknowledging that it's just not going to work out with this person, whatever their reasoning may be. You deserve to move on to someone who's actually interested.”
If you're courting a crush and the convo seems to be dying out, try
asking a question or bringing up a point of mutual interest. If you're getting mixed vibes and you don't feel like you want to keep talking, that's OK, too. And sending something along the lines of the examples provided can be a casual way to engage conversation without being too intrusive.
Try not to dwell on the fact that they
haven't texted you first. Remember that a conversation goes two ways, and if you're nervous to restart it, it's very likely that your crush could be, too. Go out on a limb and make your move — you never know what might happen. Experts: Thomas Edwards Jr. , founder of The Professional Wingman Cherlyn Chong , dating specialist and creator of the Get Over Him program Don't miss a thing
Be the first to know what's trending, straight from Elite Daily
This article was originally published on