Sex is not always going to end with fireworks. Sometimes, rather than concluding with a big bang, it fizzles out like a deflated balloon. Even if you and your partner have been together for awhile now, your tried-and-true methods might fail, and sticking to the same routine might even be the cause of your ho-hum humping. Just about anyone could use new ideas for having more satisfying sex, because missionary is bound to get boring at some point. After all, there's only one person who's responsible for getting you to orgasm, and it's neither your long-term partner nor your hookup buddy. That's right, friend. It's you.
Changing up your sex routine doesn't necessarily mean donning a leather bustier and handcuffing your boo to your headboard (unless, of course, that sounds pretty hot to you — in that case, have at it). Having more satisfying sex could be as easy as doing it somewhere new, or trying a new condom brand, or telling your partner, "Touch me here, not there." Whether you're in a sexual rut or think your sex game has room for improvement, it never hurts to experiment. Here are a few tips for spicing up your sex life, because you deserve to feel good.
One of the best ways to get yourself out of a sexual rut is to relocate. This can be as simple as doing it in a room other than your bedroom, or as involved as taking a trip together and giving yourselves a whole new setting. Staying in a hotel is always fun, but getting it on in a new place gives you more than just access to room service.
As psychologist and professor of psychology at York University, Dr. Amy Muise, told HuffPost, the reason why hotel sex is so exciting makes a lot of sense. According to Muise, vacations provide "opportunities for couples to self-expand," and doing it somewhere new might just inspire you and your boo to engage in activities and positions you've never tried.
Having some background noise might make you more willing to be vocal while getting it on, but music does more than just give you a sexy soundtrack. As neuropsychologist Dr. Rhonda Freeman previously explained to Elite Daily, music is likely to affect three regions of the brain — the reward or pleasure system, the social affiliation or bonding system, and the limbic system (which processes emotions).
"Those systems not only allow the pleasurable experience of sex to be amplified with music, but they also allow music to deepen your connection with your partner while subduing negative emotions," Freeman said. The result: a more sensual and intimate experience all-around.
Exercising improves your stamina, but exercising your pelvic floor may just improve your sex life. The pelvic floor muscles — which run along the bottom of the pelvis — support your pelvic organs (such as your vagina, uterus, bladder, and bowels). When those muscles weaken, your pelvic organs will shift, potentially causing urinary incontinence, painful sex, and vaginal prolapse.
The solution: kegels. These flexes improve your pelvic floor muscle tone, as well as your pleasure during sex. "When you exercise your pelvic floor muscles with kegels, you are also using the muscles used during orgasm," MaryEllen Reider, co-founder of Yarlap, previously told Elite Daily. "Stronger pelvic floor muscles usually means a stronger response to orgasm."
Using condoms will always give you a greater peace of mind, since you'll know you're protecting yourself, but not all condoms are created equal. Though condoms won't do the job alone, certain condom types may better bring you to climax, depending on your personal preference.
As sex educator McKenna Maness previously explained to Elite Daily, "Condoms come in different sizes, materials, textures, flavors, colors. Try different kinds until you find one you like!" A 2019 condom survey by Verywell Heath reported the best condom "for her" was Okamoto Usa 004 Aloe Almost Nothing Condom, so that might be a good one to try first.
Yes, it may feel strange talking about sex outside the confines of your bedroom. However, normalizing the topic of sex will allow you both to be more candid with each other when discussing your desires and preferences. If you and your boo never talk about how frequently you want to be doing it or how you like it, bringing it up out of the blue will probably feel awkward. Make a habit of talking about sex, and it won't.
Sex therapist and social worker Danica Mitchell previously explained to Elite Daily that convos about sex don't necessarily need to revolve around the specifics of your individual sex life. "It can be political topics, past experiences, social stories, something you read in a magazine, etc.," she said. "Sex is a normal part of life — talk about it as such."
Talking during sex may go against your instincts, but your partner isn't a mindreader. If you want to tell them what you like and what feels good, the best time to do that is during the act, not after. Once you figure out what gives you the most pleasure (which might take some experimentation), voice those desires to your boo. You know better than anyone what kind of stimulation you need to orgasm, and you should practice being as honest and specific as possible.
Sex coach and sexologist Gigi Engle previously explained to Elite Daily that articulating your sexual desires can make all the difference in whether or not you reach the Big O. "For those raised female, we're put in a passive sexual role," she said. "We're supposed to let our partner 'do all the sex stuff' to us and it 'should' feel good. Be honest about needing clitoral stimulation. Ask for oral sex. This is the way most female-bodied people have orgasms."
If you and your partner are having a hard time making any magic happen in the bedroom, a sex therapist might be able to help with that. Whether you visit alone or with your sex mate, a sex therapist can help you with anything from getting and staying aroused, reaching climax, and understanding your desires. A visit to a specialist can make you better able to communicate your needs and more willing to embrace your fantasies, fetishes, and kinks in a healthy way.
Psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie previously told Elite Daily how seeing a sex therapist can help both individuals and couples become more confident in their sexuality. "It is always a great idea for each individual to be in tune with their sexual needs separate from their partner so that they have a good sense of themselves and their body," Mackenzie said. "If [the incompatibility] is about different desires, then [sex therapy] may be really exploring what is possible and what do you both want."
It's easy to fall into a sex routine, and it can be surprisingly difficult to break one. Changing up sex positions or trying some dirty talk can always add a little excitement to your stale sex sessions, but if you really want to shake things up, you could engage in some kinky sex together. Extra foreplay, kinky games, roleplaying, and erotica can really spice things up, so don't be afraid to get in touch with your wild side.
Polly Rodriguez, CEO of the sex toy company Unbound, previously explained to Elite Daily how people tend to be creatures of habit, and switching up your sex routine takes initiative — and possibly even some research. As Rodriguez said, "It's combining the practical and logistical information with thinking about what's new and different that you can try," though you should try to stick with kinks that aren't "so overwhelming and cumbersome that it makes you not want to have sex at all."
You may not be a "touchy-feely" type, but cuddling after sex has its benefits beyond warmth. When you have a post-coital snuggle with bae, your body actually releases a feel-good chemical oxytocin, nicknamed "the cuddling hormone." Even if you've just had a toe-curling orgasm, pressing your body against your partner's offers a whole new level of intimacy and pleasure.
It's possible, however, that someone can feel an aversion to snuggling after knocking boots. Called post-coital tristesse (PCT) or post-coital dysphoria (PCD), people who have this condition tend to withdraw after an intense sexual experience. Post-orgasm exhaustion can also be to blame, as well as the fear of vulnerability. If cuddling is something you desire, sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr previously suggested opening a dialogue with your partner to find a solution or compromise. "Ultimately, it's going to be very difficult for the person who needs post-coital cuddling to feel fully satisfied and complete with sex," she said.
Good luck in there, friends. Just remember, no matter what you decide to try, you'll want to keep safety, consent, and mutual satisfaction is mind. It takes two to tango, after all, and you'll want to make sure your partner is just as willing to go on this sexual expedition as you are.
Experts:
Dr. Amy Muise, psychologist and professor of psychology at York University
Dr. Rhonda Freeman, neuropsychologist
Danica Mitchell, LMSW, sex therapist and social worker at Peaceful Way Psychology
Cate Mackenzie, psychosexual therapist
Sources:
MaryEllen Reider, co-founder of Yarlap
Polly Rodriguez, CEO of Unbound
Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life
McKenna Maness, sex educator and former education and prevention coordinator at The Santa Cruz AIDS Project (SCAP)
Irene Fehr, sex and intimacy coach
Studies:
Naftulin, J., & Fogoros, R. N. (2019, November 7). The 9 Best Condoms of 2019. Retrieved November 27, 2019, from https://www.verywellhealth.com/best-condoms-4169709.
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