Here's How To Kickstart Kinky Sex If You've Fallen Into A Rut, Sexperts Say

If you're not a dancer, gymnast, or pilot, being stuck in any routine can be rough — especially in the bedroom. Your partner may get the job done efficiently every time and that's great. But if sex feels as predictable as Olivia and Fitz's story arcs on Scandal, you might want to look into just how to have kinky sex when you and your partner are in a rut. A good start can be switching up sex positions. Trade doggy style for the wheelbarrow. Do it on top of a washing machine. Or, lead with some dirty talk about your sexual fantasies. An extra dash of spice never hurt anyone when it comes to our sex lives.

The reasons we fall into sex routines vary, according to Polly Rodriguez, CEO of sex toy company Unbound. Mostly, it's just easier to stick with what you both know if you're both consistently horny and tired. When we're coming back from a long day at work (or endless stream of classes and meetings), we might not want to expend extra energy if we know this particular angle is orgasm-guaranteed. Rodriguez says routine sex is the end result of human nature, our jam-packed schedules, and good ol'-fashioned stress.

"Generally speaking, we’re creatures of habit. We’re also very busy people in an age where technology always leaves us feeling like there’s something we could be doing," Rodriguez says. "It’s hard to constantly expand your horizon and your experiences, because by nature, we’re not wired to do that."

Be that as it may, your sex-scapades aren't doomed if you and your partner have fallen into a routine. Here are some sizzling tips for when you feel like your sex life has cooled down.

Tip #1: Up Your Foreplay Game

Yaroslav Danylchenko / Stocksy

Mickie Woods, a sex educator, blogger, and coach, says one of the signs you're stuck in a rut sexually is when sex is "no longer exciting" or when you're "having a hard time getting aroused." One way you spark up your sex life is to rethink your approach to exciting your partner and turning each other on.

"Start by just talking. Talk about sex and share all the kinky things you want to do with one another," Woods says. "If you’re a bit nervous about having this discussion in person, try sexting about it first."

Another way to heat things up are massage candles. "You can have it out on your nightstand and nobody knows what it is, are none-the-wiser," Rodriguez says. Unbound sells two versions: a lemon, bergamot, and oak medley called "Pillow Princess," and a fern, moss, and rose scent called "Leather Daddy."

"Switch"

$32

Unbound

Give your partner a lovely, scented massage with the wax from this soy candle.

"It’s not only something that reminds us of all our senses and how can you be aroused," Rodriguez says. "But it’s also just a nice thing to do for your partner. To give them a massage after a long day or a hard week."

Relieving your partner's tension with a sensual hot wax massage opens the door for other kinds of creative, sweat-induced stress relief. It's important to note that this wax isn't to be used internally — just on external surfaces of the body!

Tip #2: Make A Kink Game Plan

Audrey Schtecinjo / Stocksy

Woods recommends sitting down with your partner and completing a kink checklist. These typically come in the form of yes-no-maybe lists where partners mark kinky activities down as a “yes,” “no,” or “maybe." Some common topics include anal sex, impact play, slapping, spanking, restraints, spreader bars, and vibrators.

"This allows you to measure your kink compatibilities with your partner without disclosing all the things you’re into that they’re not and vice versa," Woods says.

She also recommends visiting a sex shop. In a sense, strolling the aisles and seeing all the carnal delights your local sex store has to offer can foster the same kind of conversation.

Another move to put the hot-and-heavy back into your sex life is grabbing a pack of sexy truth or dare cards. Rodriguez proposes you and your partner pick three cards and go through each one, as a start.

"Truth or Dare" cards

$9

Unbound

An aesthetically pleasing deck of cards that makes talking dirty and exploring sexual desires with your partner that much easier.

Woods' biggest bit of advice when starting your kink journey is to do research and study technique.

"While learning, you’ll have to research extensively," she says. "There are plenty of kinky acts that you can’t just jump into."

Tip #3: Commit To Just A Few Kinky Things

Vera Lair / Stocksy

It's important to pick a handful of kinks first, instead of trying to cross everything off your lists ASAP. When addressing the challenge of breaking out of a sex routine, Rodriguez says, "It’s combining the practical and logistical information with thinking about what’s new and different that you can try — that isn’t going to be so overwhelming and cumbersome that it makes you not want to have sex at all."

Based on how you and your partner fill out your yes-no-maybe list, you should have an idea where you guys are on the same page. A few solid beginner kinks Woods recommends exploring are light bondage, playing with dominant and submissive roles, breath play (safely choking), and having sex in interesting places. With breath play, again Woods emphasizes reading up on how to choke your partner safely, since it can be dangerous if not done correctly.

Depending on how active that local sex store of yours is, they might have kink classes you can sign up for. Looking on BDSM and kink networking site FetLife is worth a shot, Woods says. You can also find kink workshops on EventBrite.

Tip #4: Get Into Erotica

Luca Pierro / Stocksy

Both Woods and Rodriguez say that watching porn with your partner can go far here.

“Simply watching erotica or reading erotica can be a really not cost-prohibitive way of spicing things up,” Rodriguez says.

Rodriguez makes a rec for porn produce by Erika Lust, an adult filmmaker. Lust is committed to making porn centering on women's pleasure, paying performers and crew members fairly, providing ethical working conditions, and producing work with a cinematic quality.

Going out of your way to select erotica you and your partner can indulge in is a perfect way to take sex to a new level. With the internet, there is so much access to porn — you'll be sure to find something that hits on your or your partner's specific turn-ons, and gets you the mood.

Tip #5: Take Roleplay Out Of The Bedroom

Juan Moyano / Stocksy

"As humans, when we live with another person, our familiarity with them — and the mystery and the intrigue — just kind of goes away. Which I think is often something people are attracted to and drawn to," Rodriguez explains. "How do you add an element of intrigue and mystery back into your relationship, while also being practical?"

One way of doing this is playing kinky games out in public. This doesn't necessarily mean sex on the beach, at the movies, or in a Target dressing room — although having sex in public is definitely kinky. It's more meeting your partner at a bar, and playing the role of the strangers who hits it off and goes home with them for a one-night-stand.

“Pretending to be somebody else for a night I think can be really fun," Rodriguez says, "in a world in which we know everything about our partner."

Rodriguez also suggests being spontaneous, booking a hotel for the night, and meeting your partner with some sex toys to try out. Not only would you be breaking your bedroom routine, but you'd be breaking your entire daily routine. And that can add an extra thrill to the night.

"Everybody's different, but most people would be really excited if you were to say you’d gotten a hotel room for the night," Rodriguez says.

Tip #6: Pencil In Time For Sex

Clique Images / Stocksy

Sex therapist Susan Segal told Elite Daily that she has had to address individuals and couples stuck in sexual routines before.

“If someone’s going to do it — have sex the same way, all the time, which a lot of couples get into doing, like a habit — we get bored!" Segal says. "And even if each person is having an orgasm, it can still be boring."

Along with advising clients to watch porn, Segal also says couples should carve out time for sex. "A lot of couples get in the habit of just not making the time," Segal says. It won't always be perfect, but it helps. Luckily, Rodriguez has a sexy way of doing that.

"We create these things Secret Sex Notes: little notes you can slip in someone’s wallet or put in their coat pocket. 'Meet me tonight in the bedroom at 7:30 p.m. when you get home,'" Rodriguez says. "And that’s still kind of a fun sexy way of being like, 'Let’s have sex tonight at 7:30!' without having to actually say that."

"Secret Sex Notes"

$6

Unbound

These cute little notes are for dropping the hint that yes, you're in mood!

As you continue in your bedroom-spicing-up endeavors, Woods emphasizes the importance of communication both before and after kinky sex. Consent is important, as well as discussing what the two of you liked, disliked, and what you'd do differently. She also wants to bring home the point that trading routine sex for kinkier sex isn't all about coming more — not necessarily.

"Have no expectations. The goal isn’t orgasm; the goal is simply pleasure and connection," she says.

When it comes to routines, save them for the dance floor, for your soon-to-be-marked 2019 planner, and for your morning commute. With these tips, you and your partner now have what you need to keep the spark going in your sex lives.