Though it may sound counterintuitive, the best way to do the dirty is to come clean. No matter what you're into, getting what you want in the bedroom means knowing how to ask for it. Of course, if you're not sure what you want or have no idea how to ask for it, these tips for talking to your partner about what feels good during sex may be 50 shades of helpful.
"If you don't learn how to articulate your desires, your partner will never have the tools to make them happen," Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Elite Daily. "Your partner is not responsible for your orgasm. You are responsible for your orgasm."
Though your partner may totally get you, they won't innately know what feels good for your body. While your partner may think they know what you want, as Engle attests, your partner is not a literal mind reader. And if you're struggling to fully "sexpress" yourself (express yourself sexually), or you need some help getting the pleasure ball rolling, here are four tips for talking to your boo about what feels good during sex.
1. Explore what feels good.
As Engle shares, in order to tell your partner what feels good during sex, you have to know what feels good for you during sex. "If you don't know what feels good and what brings you pleasure, how can you expect a partner to know?" Engle says. "We're not told what to look for or where to touch. No wonder so many people have no idea why sex isn't pleasurable." According to Engle, not knowing what feels good during sex is super common. Though being able to articulate your desires is important, the first step is self-discovery. "Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Experiment and figure out the roadmap to your own pleasure. This is the key to everything when it comes to pleasure."
2. Get really real.
It's not always easy to ask for what you want. From correcting your order at Starbucks to describing what kind of stimulation you need to orgasm, getting really real can be really scary. While it may feel intimidating, Engle shares that it's imperative to be as honest and specific as possible about what feels good for your body. "For those raised female, we're put in a passive sexual role. We're supposed to let our partner 'do all the sex stuff; to us and it 'should' feel good," Engle says. "Be honest about needing clitoral stimulation. Ask for oral sex. This is the way most female-bodied people have orgasms." Whether you've always wanted to try butt stuff or you hate that thing your partner does with their tongue, talking about what feels good means being as transparent as possible.
3. Don't sugarcoat it.
If you and your boo don't talk about sex a lot or you get the sense your partner is a little insecure about it, you may feel like you need to tread lightly. While you never want to hurt your partner(s), Engle shares that being direct is the only way to prioritize your own pleasure. "While having empathy is wonderful and being a kind and loving partner is great, it doesn't mean you should keep your mouth shut and have bad sex because you're afraid to hurt someone's feelings," Engle says. If there's something you don't like or that doesn't feel good, you're allowed to say so. If there's something you want to try or a move you know does feel good, you're allowed to say so. You deserve to have the sex you want to be having, and that means being direct about what you find pleasurable.
4. Start & end the conversation with something positive.
Maybe your boo asks you how the sex was, and the sex was not good. In this case, saying, "It was not good, you're terrible at sex, and I don't like the way your body feels," is not going to help anyone. As Engle shares, you can be honest and direct with your boo and still frame the conversation in an affirmative way. "Start with something positive, slip in the feedback, end with something positive," Engle says. "Say, 'Babe. You're such an amazing kisser, and I love having sex with you. I think I'd have more orgasms if we brought my vibrator into the bedroom. We have such hot sex, and I think it would be so sexy to experiment more.'" Expressing something positive makes space for you to ask for more or different things without putting your partner on the spot. As Engle shares, reframing your needs and desires in an affirming way builds your partner up as they learn about your body.
Talking to your partner about what feels good for your body can be a super important part of having the best sex you can be. While your boo may know your favorite food or scented candle brand, they won't know the places to touch or the positions you love unless you tell them directly. If you're gearing up to talk to your boo about your body, be clear about your desires. Framing your needs with something positive can make them feel super supported as you learn together. Though actions can speak louder than words, when it comes to the sexy stuff, you need the words to get to the action.