6 Signs Your Relationship Can't Be Fixed, According To Couples' Therapists
Accepting that a relationship you so desperately want just isn't working out may easily be one of the most difficult things ever. You think about all the good times you've spent with this person, all the happiness they've brought you, the immense love you have for each other, and you'd do anything to make it work. But sometimes it just doesn't, and that can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening, especially if you don't know why or how it even got to that unfixable point. There are some signs your relationship can't be fixed to keep an eye out for if you're worried yours might be beyond repair.
It's important to note that while some things are unfixable in a relationship, a lot of things can be fixed if you and your partner are dedicated to making it work. "But if your partner is not committed to acknowledging the problems, much less sincerely work on them — and I mean truly dedicated to working on them, then it is unlikely that things will get better," Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent relationship therapist in Los Angeles, tells Elite Daily. Being in a successful relationship is a combined effort between you and your partner. If one of you isn't all in and determined to make your relationship work, it may reach the point where it can't be fixed. Here are six signs that your relationship may, unfortunately, be at that point.
1. You don't share common life values.
When you're in a serious relationship, it's normal to plan a future with your partner. You may want to settle down with bae soon, maybe get married and definitely have kids at one point. But if bae doesn't want to settle down or doesn't want to have kids ever and you really do, it could be a sign that your relationship isn't meant to be long term, Dr. Brown says.
2. Your partner focuses on their own feelings, only.
Being a little selfish is one thing. It's OK to put yourself before others from time to time, but if you or your partner are constantly putting yourselves before each other, it could be a bad sign. "Your partner is never considerate of your feelings or point of view," Dr. Brown explains. "They make it clear that only their perspective has value in your relationship." And that's not fair at all.
3. You don't feel like you can trust your partner.
"You've confided very intimate things to your partner and they betray your trust, and tell anyone who will listen your deepest and most vulnerable secrets," Dr. Brown says. "Major extensions of your trust have been broken, and often more than once." Trust is a crucial part of a relationship. Like respect, it's one of those things that has to be earned. If your partner has broken your trust time and time again, it could be proof that they don't have your best interests at heart.
4. You're always arguing.
Arguing with your partner is completely normal. Maybe it won't happen until a whole year down the road, or maybe you'll have your first fight a month or two in. Either way, it's going to happen eventually. But if every other conversation you have with your partner is an argument, that may mean your relationship has reached an unfixable point. "Everything is a battle. Occasional arguments happen in the best of relationships, but when it becomes the norm, your relationship has become toxic," Dr. Brown points out.
5. You are a victim of domestic violence.
No form of violence is ever OK, whether it be "emotional as well as physical violence," Dr. Brown says. Once that line has been crossed, "it is rare that this can be fixed without years of work on the part of the abuser... and then there is no real guarantee that you will get the outcome you want." So, if you've fallen victim to any form of domestic violence, get out and get help. The chances of fixing a relationship at that point are very slim.
6. You've tried everything, and still nothing works.
When you first started noticing the rockiness in your relationship escalating, you may have tried to talk it over with your partner. It worked for a bit, but then you started noticing the rifts again. Maybe you and bae tried couples' therapy, and that didn't work either. "Nothing seems to bridge the gap between you," Dr. Brown explains. "You have genuinely lost hope because you have tried and tried again to do whatever you could to work it out with your partner, and it is clearly not working... and not likely to work." It becomes a feeling of chronic hopelessness that your relationship will ever get out of this slump, he says, and that's when accepting the end comes into play.
"Unfortunately, relationships can’t all work," Aoife Drury, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, tells Elite Daily. "Negative emotions are often demonized, and we are made to feel as though feeling sad, angry, and hurt is not good for us. That's not the case. You are perfectly entitled to experience and go through these emotions," she says. When you've accepted that your relationship is beyond repair, it's going to hurt, but as I'm sure you've heard before, time heals all wounds. "Take your time; there is no one way to mourn the loss of a relationship, and there isn’t a set timeframe."
If you've noticed any of these signs, it doesn't mean your relationship has to be over on the spot. Sit down with your partner and talk to them about the things you've seen recently. Have conversation after conversation about it, and if there's no solving whatever issue may be at hand, "then it is time to end it," Dr. Brown says. "When you have reached this point, you need to pull the plug as quickly as possible," even if all you really want to do is hang onto your love for as long as possible. "Hanging on is only going to prolong your emotional pain and suffering," and in the end, holding onto them for dear life is only going to hurt that much more.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
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