How To Deal With Wanting To Be Single When You're In A Relationship, According To Real Women
You and your bae have been together for a while now. You've passed that initial exciting spark phase. You've passed the first "I love you." Maybe you've even passed the wedding vows. Things have slowed down now, though, and you eventually start thinking back to your single days. It's not necessarily that you're unhappy; it's that you have an inexplicable longing for your single life routine. So what do you do with these feelings? Take advice from ladies who shared how to deal with wanting to be single, even when you're in a happy relationship, on a recent Reddit thread.
Remember that you love your SO more than the novelty of dating.
I really liked (like?) dating. I love the feeling of meeting someone new and thinking “wow, something might come of this!!” I like first kisses. I like going on dates. I like waiting for their text the next day.
But I guess when it comes down to it, I like my boyfriend more. I have fond memories of dating, and it will just be that.
Realize it could be alone time you miss, not being single.
Briefly, occasionally. More wanting to sleep alone and make capital letters and decorate my home to my taste without compromise. I still love my husband and love being with him all the time, but sometimes I want my own space for a bit. Not so much wanting to be single, but needing a chunk of alone time.
Remember who you are now is different from who you were when you were last single.
This is something my wife and I have talked about. That longing for the single life and going out with friends and not having responsibilities of kids and so on and so on. There is nothing exactly wrong with what we have now, but sometimes we think it would be great to be single again.
We've come to a conclusion though. We don't really want to be single. We want to be single and in our early 20s again. We want to go back and live the highlights. We want to be younger and with our whole life ahead of us. It's not being single we want. It's being who we were when we were single.
Take a solo vacation.
I mean, kind of? I wouldn't call it longing, but a definite wish, like a wish for some chocolate ice cream. Being in a committed relationship is very different than being single, even an amazing relationship. I come home to my husband, I wake up with my husband, I talk to my husband, every day. You can't just fuck off and do whatever. You wanna buy a car, it's a discussion with another person. You want to buy new furniture, it's a discussion. Yes, you're still your own person, but you're not independent, every life event is a team effort.
It brings so much awesomeness and comfort to have another player on your team. But as an introvert and loner, the urge to sometimes not have any ties to anything happens.
My relationship has a kind of "f*ck off and do whatever" clause. We both take a separate vacation once a year, usually around two weeks to a month, when we pretend we're single and don't contact each other at all. In theory. We always end up missing each other early. Hah.
The urge for freedom could be coming from a relationship slump.
In every relationship, I am happy except for the unequal distribution of orgasms and effort. At some point the balance becomes unequal and I bring up the conversation, but again the balance inevitably dips. It makes me want freedom from the time-suck that is a relationship.
Sometimes, the solution is to end things.
I just ended relationship of several years because of this longing/desire. So far it refreshing to do whatever I feel like doing, when I feel like doing it. I've started painting walls, and looking at furniture that only I care about. I miss having someone to snuggle with, and I realized the other day that this is longest I've gone without sexual contact from someone else. But I've also decided that I'm not going to pursue anything with anyone for several months, just so that I can clear my head.
I felt that way with my first long term boyfriend. One of those times where the spark just kind of fades out. You love them but you're not in love anymore. I was also only 23 at the time and we had been together 4 years. I envied my peers that were single and going out all the time and having fun while I sat at home with him every weekend in front of the tv. I wanted excitement and I also wanted to see who else was out there for me as I hadn't really dated anyone but him. I felt guilty about this though and held on for 1 more year before initiating the break up. At first I felt like I made a big mistake but at the same time I had this overwhelming sense of relief that ensured me I had made the right decision. I quickly started reconnecting with my friends that I had sadly begun to ignore when I started dating him and began living the single life and having a great time. I'm glad I did it because it sort of got those feelings out of my system and after that I was able to settle down into the relationship I'm in now and know that I don't want anyone or anything else.
Realize this is a normal feeling, though.
Yes because although I still loved him, I wasn't in love with him anymore. The love was like a friendship love, we became like buddies. Relationship responsibilites felt like a burden. We probably should have ended at least couple months before we did but he was my first boyfriend, he wasn't very experienced either and it took some time to accept ending a relationship might still be the best choice without any fights or something like that.
I should say though, I don't know ONE person in my life who is in a happy longterm relationship, still in love, but sometimes doesn't long to be single. Both being single and being in a good relationship have their own pros and cons and when you stay in the same situation for a long time, I think it's very natural to long for the pros of the other situation from time to time.
Take some time to think on it.
I’m in a happy relationship right now, been together for a year. He’s great. There’s literally nothing terribly wrong about him, but I just have this feeling that I’m missing out on a bigger spark with someone else. It scares me because I don’t want to lose what I have, but I also don’t want to stay just because I’m happy and comfortable. I feel like we won’t stay together in the end because I want to be single to explore more.
Sometimes, it's just a "you" thing.
I only really miss the feeling of being able to not take anyone else into account. I have dreams of just going off and doing adventures, living in weird situations, putting myself in dangerous situations, or being a new person. I have wander lust.
Also the idea I'll never fall in love again is scary. I can fall in love with him over and over but that's not the same thing as the whole rigamaroll.
It's not about him, it's about me.
Getting some distance will inevitably make your heart grow fonder.
I wouldn't call it a longing but I've been married for 10 years and I have moments where I miss single, kidless life! I tell hubs I need more alone time and he takes kiddo out for the day or weekend so I can get that single feeling. I usually start missing them after a day anyways
The bottom line here? If you're happy in your own relationship, there's nothing to be worried about.
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