Let's be honest: The minute Labor Day ends, Halloween is in your face like french fries on a diet. Pumpkin patches are all the rage, and that one Halloween costume store has opened its doors.
Some nightmare people are totally chill with just buying a French maid costume online, or even worse, not dressing up at all. I fully respect that off brand way of thinking; I do. It leaves more room for the rest of us refined dresser-uppers who thrive on sewing creative new costumes, donning fake hair and painting our faces to shine.
Deciding on, creating and slaying the Halloween costume competition is no easy feat though. It's a haunted highway of highs and lows that can leave one emotionally, and mentally, wrecked if not careful.
Below is a list to remind and prepare you for everything true Halloween enthusiasts will go through before the long awaited night finally arrives.
1. First of all, your trick or treat costume NEEDS to be original.
You don't want to show up with the same costume as someone else, only to have their version totally top yours, plummeting you to your ultimate hocus-pocus death.
2. File through the spooky section of Pinterest for costume inspiration.
Obviously. Does anyone use Pinterest for anything else?
3. Discovering the perfect BFF/couple costume idea is the most satisfying feelings.
Finally! It's so precious. You've discovered the best duo dress-up attire and it's fucking ON. Honestly, you're going to peak on Halloween. It's as if your whole life has waited for this moment.
4. Selling the idea to your costume comrade.
You present it on a gold, diamond-encrusted platter. It's going to be Heidi Klum-level legendary. Your partner doesn't gush over your concepts as expected, but they settle because they have nothing else.
Hell yeah, they're in! While their enthusiasm is subpar you promise to really emphasize the shit out of her legs, or his robust biceps, when you are sewing these babies up.
5. Assess your finances.
Don't fool yourself. Chances are you're going to spend a godly amount on a one-nighter. Feather boas and masquerade masks aren't really respectable on any other occasion.
But, you don't deal with your lousy customer service job for nothing. Plus, you hate money. That's it, make the call. RIP to your savings account.
6. Grab your Nikes. This is about to get serious.
It's time to hit all the tried and true craft supply stores and shop your ass off.
7. Game On.
Collect dripping blood, sweat and tears into a cylinder vase to keep them from trickling down onto your masterpiece. Simone Biles who?
8. Figure out your plans for the big night.
You were so busy organizing your costume that you didn't even look to see what haunted hospitals, pitchfork pumpkin patches or corpse carnivals you, and your costume-mate, were going to steal the thunder at.
9. Your Halloween partner, now hag, bails. Your world collapses.
Apparently, Beth would rather wear cat ears with a makeshift black dress and go-go dancer boots. You show her your vase of blood, sweat and tears, and she promises to make it up to you.
10. Wine is cheaper than therapy.
You go home and shed some champagne tears, not just because your friend opted out of a life-changing moment, but because why not? It feels good sometimes. Plus, hormones or whatever.
11. Self-discovery: you make a cute Alice Cooper.
You wake up with mascara smudged across your face like you're in a small town Kiss cover band. It's an easy fix. Lather, rinse, moisturize and dance.
12. Beyoncé wouldn't cry, she'd make Lemonade.
You dust yourself off, zip into your costume and prepare for all your hopes, and dreams, to be granted on this night. You are a goddamn angel in your DIY Halloween costume and it deserves some positive attention.
Float, and gloat, collecting diamond-worthy compliments and praise from men, and women, alike for your stealth, artistic masterpiece.
Go forth and be exceptionally, spectacularly spooky this Halloween. I believe in you, and your blood-curling, creative costume.