The Timeline Of Halloween: 8 Ways Celebrating Changes As You Get Older
Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I have never skipped the opportunity to celebrate.
Growing up doesn't mean Halloween needs to end, it just develops a different meaning all together.
These are the ever-changing stages for the freaks and the fiends of Halloween:
1. Ages 1-7
Your parents are probably dressing you at this stage.
You have a ridiculous amount of pictures hidden in your attic of this time period. Let's face it: Why did your mom think it was cute to give you a fake wart on your nose and paint your face green?
Not only that, but you have been traumatized by being forced to knock on stranger's doors for the first time, only to end up hiding behind your parents or running away.
Why do adults think it's funny to scare little children with pranks?
2. Ages 8-12
These are your shining years.
You begin to process what Halloween means as a youngster: endless candy.
You dress yourself, pick your own costumes and take the initiative of running up to a stranger's house for candy ... but you're still scared by adult pranks.
3. Ages 13-15
Halloween? Gross. I'm too cool for this. Can it be Christmas? If I want candy THAT badly, I can just put it on my Christmas list.
4. Ages 16-18
You're sluttin' it up.
Guys have discovered how to pull decent pranks, and girls have discovered their boobs.
And they're just letting it all hang out.
Halloween is still about candy — you love candy — but your best friend is like, "Do you know how many carbs are in that thing?"
So, you don't eat it ... in front of them.
5. Ages 19-22
This is the era of the over-worn sexy career costumes and awful penis/sex costumes.
Regardless of the fact that you're either legal to drink or not, you're drinking.
And THAT is the reason for Halloween.
Candy turns into candy thongs and jello shots, with a side of actual candy.
The competition for "who throws the best party" is a real thing.
(In my personal experience, East Carolina University in North Carolina does; we climb up light poles and destroy campus buses.)
6. Ages 23-28
You're feeling it.
The years of drinking finally crashing down on you like the hundreds of candy apples that you ate.
Halloween becomes an effort.
"What are you gonna do this year?" "I don't know, I haven't even thought about it."
Halloween is next week. We haven't even started planning yet.
This is the age of procrastination.
We still want to party because we suffer from a real case of FOMO (fear of missing out). So, what are we gonna do?
Wait until last minute, and make a costume from something in our closets. And drink — a lot.
7. Ages 29-35
You're Halloweening, but from a distance.
You want to party so badly, but you can't.
You miss the slutty era of your life, and you're really just missing out on the fun things because your boss is starting to notice the bags under your eyes.
You've been late to work consistently for the past five years. You're trying to adult.
How do you adult?
8. Ages 36 and up
You will never forget your younger years.
Even if they're buried deep down inside because you're ashamed of the things that you've done, you won't forget them.
And you shouldn't.
These are your adult years; you relive your memories, and maybe host a Halloween party or two, but it's less hardcore.
So now, you're the one dressing your kids up for Halloween.
You come to find out that scaring other people's children is actually way more fun than you gave it credit for.
Let's not forget to mention the pounds of candy you bought for the trick-or-treaters leads to the gracious amount of leftovers you'll get to enjoy in your pajamas.
Here's to Halloween: the one day of the year that changes, but still remains the same.