Kris Jenner is a genius, which is why I like to make all my decisions by asking what any Kris-fearing person would: What would Kris Jenner do? It's how I decided that the color scheme of my future Calabasas mansion would be black and white, duh.
Whether you're a fan of the Kardashian-Jenner clan or you've adjusted your web-browser settings to avoid them entirely, you have definitely heard of their billion-dollar family empire before. Kim may have started the media frenzy but momager and icon Kris Jenner is the one who's kept it going for all these years.
Who better to teach you how to take control of your love life than the woman who helped Kylie Jenner steal the spotlight from the 2018 Super Bowl? I have no clue who won the Super Bowl — heck, I don't even know who played — but I do remember every second of Kylie's 12-minute-long pregnancy announcement. And it was f*cking beautiful. Perfect score for Kylie! That's something they say in football, right?
But back to Kris! If you ever need someone to clap back at your haters, throw shade on Instagram, or coordinate a pregnancy pact, it's Kris Jenner. So when the time comes to overhaul your love life, just channel your inner Kris and you'll be doing amazing, sweetie.
Kris Jenner would never stand for this. She'd very sassily explain why she's right and then declare a break in the middle of the fight so that she can enjoy a glass of wine to calm down. Despite this, she will, at no point, appear remotely bothered by the situation. You should do the same.
Let your partner know that you won't put up with this turbulence in your relationship for much longer. Then, give them an ultimatum. Sam Rullo, Elite Daily's senior operations editor and self-proclaimed Kardashian fan, says, "Make it clear that you’re willing to walk away if they don’t get their act together, because this is not good for your brand." And Kris Jenner is all about the brand.
As Kris would say, "This is a case for the FBI." Use your investigative skills to put together all the pieces of the story. Make sure that you're able to support your allegations when you confront your partner and the person they're having an affair with. That's right. You're taking them both on like only Kris Jenner would.
After you let them know that they failed to pull a fast one on you, lay down some ground rules for how the three of you will move forward and protect your personal brands.
The most Kris thing you could do in any situation is to control the narrative. If you would rather keep things private, quietly delete all photos of your partner from your social media accounts. But don't block them just yet since you'll need to keep tabs on how they're presenting their side of the story. If they attempt to throw you under the bus, it's time to talk.
Tina Kolokathis, Elite Daily's senior entertainment editor, says, "If my boyfriend cheated on me, Kris Jenner would probably tell me to sit back and relax while she made anonymous tips to E! and Ryan Seacrest about my ex's dirty secrets. Then she'd set up a tell-all with Barbara Walters for me to give my side of the story, painting me as a literal angel." So you're not in touch with Barbara Walters. That's OK. Your Instagram Story will do.
Come up with a script. What? You think reality TV can't be scripted? LOL. You've clearly never seen a Kris Jenner confessional in Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It's all part of controlling the media narrative, which you can do in your own life by letting your partner know exactly how the two of you will present your situation to the public (read: your social media feeds).
You should limit your responses to friends and followers by agreeing on key phrases, like, "We both care a great deal for each other," and, "We'd like to take this time to focus on personal growth so please respect our privacy."
Speaking of confessionals, this breakup requires a tearful (on both your and your partner's end) sit-down where you get real emotional about how hard this is for you and how badly you wanted this to work. Who do you think coached Kim on her Emmy-worthy breakdown about her marriage to Kris Humphries?
I'm not sure Kris Jenner registers emotions like the rest of us do but she sure knows how to sway public opinion in her favor. Your passionate sob-fest of a breakup will ensure two things. Firstly, your partner will feel vindicated knowing you are just as devastated as they are and will have no desire to seek revenge. Secondly and more importantly, no one will judge you for living your best single life when you re-emerge on Instagram a few weeks later looking like a glamorous, distant relative of the Kardashian-Jenner clan.
Rullo says, "To live the Kris Jenner lifestyle is to be completely in charge of your life, even when it's spiraling out of control." And isn't that what we all aspire to do?
Never forget that this was Kris Jenner's reaction to Kim Kardashian's sex tape: "As her mother, I wanted to kill her but as her manager..."
F*cking iconic. Now go build your empire.
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