The Best Texts To Send Your Friend Who's Going Through A Breakup, According To Experts
I have an incredible group of girlfriends with whom I share basically everything. We talk all the time and hang out as much as we can. Here's the thing though — most of them have, over the years, moved far away. So we text a lot. And sure, it's convenient, but it also means a lot of "being there" for each other happens via smartphone, which is no replacement for a simple hug. That being said, knowing things, like what texts to send your friend going through a breakup, can make all the difference when they need a shoulder to cry on.
Even if your situation isn't geographical like mine, there are plenty of reasons you'd need to text your friend after they've split up with their partner. Maybe you've just heard the news and you want to contact them ASAP. Maybe they are in the post-breakup hibernation phase. Or maybe you simply aren't sure what the right move is but you want them to know you care and are there for them. Whatever the case may be, it's helpful to have some idea as to the kind of message you want to send, so you don't just sit staring at a blank screen with writer's block. For help in these awkward situations, I reached out to the experts. Here's what they say you should send in any situation.
1. If You’ve Heard The News Directly From Your Friend
If your friend reaches out to you directly with the news, or you see it on social media, relationship coach and host of the breakup BOOST Podcast, Trina Leckie, tells Elite Daily you should send a message that focuses on building them up when they are likely feeling low. She recommends saying,
I’m so sorry to hear things didn’t work out. I admire you for having the strength to realize it now instead of staying in something that wasn’t making you happy. I know it’s hard, but it’s much better than dragging it out and breaking up six months from now. It will get easier each day.
The reason this is an effective message, Leckie explains, is because “sending this type of text complimenting them on their strength can give them a boost of confidence, and it also acts as confirmation that they made the right decision to end it.” This is especially important because, as she says, “after a breakup, it is so easy to second guess yourself, so an optimistic perspective is invaluable.”
If you are unsure how your friend is feeling and what they might need, Pricilla Martinez, online life coach at Blush, offers advice on how to broach the subject via text while also letting your friend know you are there if they need more support. She says to write,
I’m so sorry to hear that. Are you OK? Do you need anything?
As Martinez explains, “this communicates that you care about how they’re doing, but it’s not just for the sake of information,” adding, “By asking if they need anything, it says you are willing to help.”
2. If You Found Out About The Breakup From A Third Party
It can be a little tricky to reach out to a friend going through a breakup if you find out about it from someone else. On the one hand, you want to let your friend know that you’re there for them if they need you, but you also want to respect their privacy and what they are going through. In this situation, Shasta Nelson, CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship community, and author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendship for Lifelong Health and Happiness, suggests adding some context to the message, as well as opening the door to talk about it if they want or need to. She says to write,
Hi [X]... I had dinner with [X] tonight who mentioned that you and Jeff had recently broken up. No matter the circumstances, it’s never fun going through relationship endings! I wanted to write and send you some extra love and to see if you’re free this weekend to get together. It would be great to see you! I’d be up for a hike on Saturday afternoon or even just grabbing brunch that morning.
Why this works, Nelson says, is that you’re “not assuming you know how she feels or adding more drama and emotions than she’s shared, [you] used it as an opportunity to express your love and support, and extended a real invitation to spend time with you if she wants.” Nelson adds, “The goal is not to find out more information by asking questions or to try to just have this one text be our primary interaction.”
3. How To Support Your Friend Moving Forward Via Text
If you’ve ever gone through a breakup, then you know it's usually something that takes awhile to bounce back from. That may even get harder as time goes by, which is why sending messages of continuing support is so invaluable. To let your friend know that you are still there for them as time goes by, Leckie suggests sending them a text saying something along the lines of,
It took me a while to get over my breakup too, so I totally feel for you and know how painful it is. How about I come by with some takeout and we watch a funny movie to help get your mind off things? I miss you!
She explains that “sending this type of text shows you can relate to what they are going through and that you are being a great friend by putting forth the effort to take action in supporting them through the breakup. It also will make them feel loved."
But beyond texting, Martinez says the best thing you can do (if you are lucky enough to be near your friend), is to keep checking in and help helping them to stay busy. “Spending time with other people keeps you aware that your day-to-day is still fulfilling without your relationship," she says. "Filling the time you’re left with after a breakup is often a huge hurdle.” Ain’t that the truth.
While having an idea of what to say can help get you over the hurdle of sending the initial text, ultimately the most important thing to do is to be there for your friend, and continue to be there as they heal — whether that's via text, Skype, in person, or even by messenger pigeon if you have to.
This post was originally published on July 25, 2018. It was updated on Aug. 29, 2019 by Lilli Petersen.