5 Signs Getting Back Together With Your Ex Won't Work, Because It’s Not Meant To Be
After a relationship ends, it can be tempting to consider getting back together with your ex — especially if you still have feelings for each other. But the complicated thing about rekindling a relationship that didn't work is that sometimes, no matter how much you want things to be different this time, there is no guarantee. If you're thinking about giving a relationship another shot, it's important to keep an eye out for the signs getting back together with your ex won't work. Why? Because spending time, energy, and emotions on trying to make something work that just isn't meant to be can be exhausting, and you don't deserve to be anything but happy in your relationship.
But before you decide to get back together with your ex, "really question why you want to be with your partner again," Dr. Benjamin Ritter, founder of The Breakup Supplement and Live for Yourself Consulting, tells Elite Daily. "Are you willing to be in the same relationship? Are you at the point where you don't want the things that you wanted before? Are you willing to give up the things you fought about and that caused your relationship to end? If you are going to try again, you need to come to terms that you [may] just [be] getting back into the same relationship, and that you've decided to make it work despite the issues." It may be best to avoid trying again if you've noticed any of the following five signs.
1. The past hasn't been addressed.
If you and your ex had issues in your past relationship that caused ongoing problems, addressing those issues before you try again can be crucial. "If those reasons are still an issue to you, then do not even think about getting back together," Dr. Ritter says. "You can't be with someone again with the hope they've changed certain behaviors. You can only be with someone if you've come to terms with those behaviors. If not, you're more than likely getting into the same relationship with different expectations, and that's a recipe for failure." If you're thinking about getting back together, the best thing you can do is come to terms with the things that bothered you before, he continues. If you can't, then it may be better for the two of you to avoid getting back together right now.
2. Only one person is taking the blame.
While the cause of some breakups might lead back to one partner more than another, there is almost always something both parties could've done better or more of to make the relationship work. If your ex is blaming you for the breakup, or even exclusively blaming themselves, that's not a good sign. "It takes two to tango and two to make a relationship work," breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast Trina Leckie, tells Elite Daily. "There is always something that both people can improve on."
3. They don't seem as interested in making it work as you are.
The same way both partners are responsible for the end of a relationship, it takes both partners to make things work again. If "your ex seems more distant or distracted, [it] shows they may not be as invested as you are in giving it another go," Leckie says. And if they're not as invested, then it may not be worth trying again. It's not fair if one person is making most of the effort, and that can lead to some serious resentment.
"Resentment is the death of a relationship," Dr. Ritter says. "It lingers and tarnishes every aspect of a relationship and doesn't allow love to grow. Do you blame your ex for anything? Do you still harbor negative emotions toward them for the past? If so, a new relationship will still taste like the old one and not work."
4. Communication hasn't improved.
If you and your ex had a problem communicating properly when you were together the first time, and it hasn't improved this time around, that may be a sign your relationship won't work. "Good communication is the glue which holds a relationship together," Leckie says.
5. Trust was broken, and you don't think it can be mended.
Trust can be such a fragile thing, and once it's broken, it can be really hard to build back up. "Without trust, you don’t have much of a foundation from which to build from," Leckie says.
"Do you trust your partner, not just to be loyal, [but] do you trust your partner in their intention to make this relationship different than it was in the past?" asks Dr. Ritter. "If you don't, the relationship doesn't stand a chance."
When you and your ex still have feelings for each other and the chance to try again arises, it can seem like a given to get back together. But that might not always be the best idea. "You need to realize that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever," Leckie says. "It’s important to focus on why it didn’t work out the first time, instead of just focusing on the happy times. You need to look at the situation realistically and be honest with yourself. See things for what they are. Not what you wished they could be."