OK, admittedly, 23 years is not that long in the grand scheme of things, but sex is literally everywhere you turn in this world. You'd think I'd know more.
But alas, here I am, fumbling through the dark with a vibrator in my hand.
Yes, yes, I know the science behind the orgasm, the stimulation of the nerve endings in your genitals to the point of climax (ejaculation) — I GET IT. But the fact of the matter is, so much about orgasms is still a damn mystery to me.
So here are 46 questions I have about orgasms that (hopefully) you guys have, too... otherwise, this is really awkward.
1. Why haven't we fixed the orgasm gap yet?
2. How does the universe determine what makes us orgasm?
3. Seriously, why do people get off to so many f*cked up things?
4. Can you condition yourself to orgasm to something totally unrelated to anything you find sexually appealing?
5. I'm serious. Could I theoretically classically condition myself to get off to just, like, fidget spinners? Or plants?
6. LMAO, how crazy would that be?
7. How can some people get off so much more easily than others?
8. Not naming any names, but why does it take some people literally 80 years to come from a blow job?
9. Also not naming any names, but why does it only take looking at their nipple for some people to finish? (Yes, this was a self-drag.)
10. How many orgasms is too many orgasms?
11. Like, at what point does your body say, "ENOUGHHHHHH!!!!"
12. WHY IS EVERYTHING EASIER FOR MEN?
13. Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone if they don't make you orgasm enough?
14. Is it socially acceptable for me to make someone cry if they don't make me orgasm enough?
15. Am I being too mean, or am I just deprived of quality orgasms?
16. Why should I ever have sex with someone else if I give myself the best orgasms?
17. WHAT CAN A PENIS DO THAT MY VIBRATOR CAN'T?
18. Impregnate me? That's literally it?
19. Is it true that men are only trying to make me orgasm to stroke their own ego?
21. Why does edging even exist?
22. Like, how have we, the most impatient species, made edging a thing?
23. What went through the head of the first person who ever orgasmed?
24. Did they think they were dying?
25. What if they thought they died at climax and that all the good feelings after that were them transitioning into heaven?
26. How pissed were they when they realized they were still alive and had to keep dealing with annoying human sh*t after that?
27. What can you actually say during an orgasm that won't make you look/sound like an idiot?
28. Why is literally everyone's orgasm face so weird? (Don't lie to yourself. You know it's f*ckin' weird.)
29. Is there actually anyone who looks cute while they orgasm?
30. How many people have googled "how to look cute while orgasming and not like I'm trying to get a big poop out"?
31. How many of you just googled that yourselves?
32. None? Just me? OK.
33. Is it normal to orgasm silently? Definitely not asking for me. Definitely asking for a friend.
34. Literally what are you supposed to say after you orgasm if you're with somebody?
35. "Cool, thanks"?
36. "Great job, pal"?
37. "Do it again"?
38. Has anyone actually ever died from an orgasm? IDK, IT COULD HAPPEN.
39. How long has the longest orgasm lasted?
40. Hours? Days? Weeks? Years?
41. Is there someone out there literally still orgasming a year later? (Hope they're OK.)
42. How can I be expected to make somebody else orgasm after I orgasm when it literally makes me wanna go to sleep after?
43. Why are girls so much better at giving orgasms than men are?
44. How do you politely tell someone that they're not gonna make you orgasm, but this weird kink they've never heard of will?
45. How bad is it if I go full-on Emily Dickinson, but instead of never leaving my house and writing poems, I just never leave my house and make myself orgasm instead?
46. Too much?