I'd be lying if I didn't tell you guys that MOST things related to sex are a goddamn mystery to me.
Seriously, I know sex is something that's fairly universal. It's a primal instinct and our main form of reproducing as a species — I GET IT, OK?
But it's still so confusing when you think about it.
But today, friends, oh, today is a day where it's required to think about ~the sex~ (as if we all don't do that 24/7). Today is National Sex Day. And today is also June 9 (6/9, for all of you dirty minds out there).
Because we're all actually still 12 years old with the humor of a middle schooler, everybody's making jokes about 69ing — the most confusing sex thingy of all.
So in honor of 6/9 and all things sex, I have a few questions — 69, to be exact — I'd like answered about 69ing.
1. Who was the first person to come up with this term?
2. Seriously, which asshat looked at two NUMBERS and was like, "LMAO, this looks like how me and my girl get it on."
3. On that same note, who were the first people to even start doing ~the sex~ like this? HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?
4. Has anyone ever tried 96ing before? Is that when you just cuddle with your backs to each other on opposite ends of the bed and your butts touch?
5. What's the protocol for initiating 69?
6. Like, do you actually say, "Hey, do you wanna 69?" or do you just awkwardly get in position without breaking eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time?
7. Is having 69 sex when you're 69 years old for your golden sex year?
8. What's the likelihood of me getting pregnant from 69ing? I'm serious, what if sperm magically finds its way to my vagina?
9. If I'm not having 69 orgasms from this, then what's the point?
10. What other number combinations look like sex positions? 11 looks a lot like my sex life.
11. How do you not kick someone in the head during 69?
12. How many people have gone to the emergency room for injuries from 69ing?
13. Was 69ing actually just invented by health insurance companies to increase people's risk for injury?
14. Has anybody ever broken their neck from 69ing?
15. What do you even do with the rest of your body?
16. WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?
17. What if there's an insane height difference?
18. Like, what if I'm 69ing with Shaq? Literally his torso is a mile long. What if I can't reach?
19. What if the other person's tongue isn't long enough?
20. You're telling me I have to 69 with a giraffe if this is realistically gonna happen? THAT'S GROSS AND ILLEGAL.
21. TBH, who even actively wants to 69?
22. I'm serious; who thinks of 69 and goes, "Ah, yes, the sexy time of champions."
23. Realistically, how long can anyone even handle 69ing?
24. What do you say if you need a break? "Sorry, babe, we gotta 61 for a sec. I'm dying."
25. How long is the ideal 69? Like, two minutes tops?
26. OMG, what if I fart?
27. OMG, OMG WHAT IF HE FARTS?
28. Can I break up with him if he farts?
29. Will he break up with me if I fart? TBH, it's only OK if I do it.
30. Is he actually enjoying this?
31. HOW COULD ANYONE ACTUALLY ENJOY THIS?
32. What if he wants to do it again?
33. How do I politely say "hard f*cking pass" if he wants to do it again?
34. On a scale of one to 10, how dramatic is it if I change my name and flee the country to get out of this?
35. What if I can't breathe?
36. What if he can't breathe?
37. What if we both die of asphyxiation because we're slaves to a sexual innuendo?
38. How am I supposed to focus on giving a blowjob when I'm preoccupied with thinking about how sh*tty of a time I'm having?
39. Can anyone who's actually orgasmed from 69ing and lived to tell the tale please stand up? I'd like to tell you you're all lying.
40. Do animals 69?
41. If we 69, but animals don't, does that mean we're officially the dumber species?
42. How did the first people caught 69ing explain what they were doing?
43. How harshly can you make fun of someone who says their favorite position is 69 before it's really not OK?
44. Does someone have to be on top and on the bottom for 69 to work?
45. Could you do it sideways?
46. How do you not fall asleep if you're doing it sideways??
47. Is it weird to fall asleep with a d*ck in your mouth?
48. Could you do it standing up???? I feel like that requires more core strength than I can ever hope to have.
49. Do you use lube for 69?
50. Is it normal to scream, "CURSE THE DAY I WAS BORN" during 69? Asking for a friend.
51. Can you even scream anything during 69? I imagine it's pretty quiet since your mouths are doing weird sh*t with genitalia.
52. I wonder what I look like from that angle?
53. I wonder what he thinks he looks like from this angle? BECAUSE TBH, IT AIN'T PRETTY.
54. What do you do when you're finished?
55. What do you say when you're finished? "Hey, thanks for the mediocre time!"
56. How many couples actually stayed together after 69ing?
57. How many people actually kept their dignity after 69ing?
58. How many couples had to watch a YouTube video to figure out how to do this in the first place?
59. Why did simultaneous oral sex have to ruin a perfectly good number?
60. Why can't we just take turns?
61. Why so much urgency???
62. What do you do if you hate feet?
63. Am I dying or do I just hate myself?
64. Why do women always end up with a d*ck in their face no matter what?
65. Can we blame this on the patriarchy?
66. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS (69) AS A HUMAN RACE?????
69. ????????????? WHY???????
So I guess go forth and 69 on this fine 6/9... or do literally anything else.