What You Should Do If He's Not Physically Attracted To You Anymore
Dear Nice Guy and Fuckboy,
I've been with my BF for about a year-and-a-half. We met through a dating app and went on dates for about three months before we were official.
He's 33, about 6 feet tall and has a pretty nice body. Not athletic as he doesn't exercise as much anymore, but he used to be a swimmer. I'm 29, a little over 5 feet tall and don't have a great body. I'm not fat, but I used to be. (I lost like 30 pounds five years ago.)
When we started dating, it took him about six weeks of dating (we saw each other once or twice a week) before we had sex.
Up until now, I thought he wanted to take things slowly because he liked me and wanted something serious. At the beginning, the sex was good, but that only lasted for a couple of months.
I brought up the sex issue after that a couple of times, and he just said it was a phase. But it's been over a year, and nothing has changed. Now, I know why it took us that long to have sex.
In the beginning, we use to have sex three to four times a week, then once a week (this is when the phase started, but I still tried to initiate sex), then once every two weeks.
Now, I believe we have sex once a month or even less sometimes. I brought the issue up again a few days ago and confronted him, saying I didn't feel like he wanted me anymore.
The words finally came out of his mouth.
He said I didn't fit with his type.
He said I didn't fit with his type (he wasn't specific, but I know his type: big boobs, small waist, big behind) and that when we first met, he just wanted to be friends.
Then, he started to like me because of my virtues — virtues he had never seen in any other girl — and that surprised him.
I mean, he kissed me on the second date, and that's definitely not how I treat my friends. So I mentioned that to him, and he said just said we're "different" (BS).
Our sex has never been amazing because he's a pretty selfish lover, but at first, it was OK. I could feel he wanted me.
But he said that while there was a spark at the beginning, but he doesn't know when it faded.
He truly isn't sexually or physically attracted to me anymore, and it hurt like shit when he said it. I felt like the ugliest girl in the world (which I KNOW I am not). I don't have the perfect body, but I am pretty and have an average body.
He said that while there was a spark at the beginning, but he doesn't know when it faded.
Once, I tried seducing him by waiting for him in his bed naked, and when he saw me, he said, "Why are you naked? Is it too hot in here?" He really didn't give a shit.
I've thought of trying lingerie, but now, I'm self conscious and afraid he'll say, "What are you doing? Why are you in a costume?" or something like that.
Before things went downhill, I used to walk around naked in front of him all the time, as I don't have an issue with my body. But with time and with some comments he's made, I don't feel comfortable doing that anymore. The most I can do is walk around in my underwear.
Also, I've never been athletic, but we started running three times a week. We don't do it as often anymore but I do try to go running at least once or twice a week. If anything has changed, it's that I'm skinnier than when we first met. All because of him.
In my head, I know I shouldn't be with him. How could a relationship work like that? A relationship without sex is just a friendship, I think.
He said he wanted to be with me because he thought my virtues and other stuff were more important than being sexually or physically attracted to me, and it was a "sacrifice" he was willing to make. (FOR REAL? SACRIFICE?)
In my head, I know I shouldn't be with him. How could a relationship work like that?
He says he's in love with me, but I think I should be with someone who appreciates me and thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. (Am I being too Disney here?)
It's really tough being with him because he's not romantic at all and doesn't do much for the relationship. He says his way of showing me I'm important is spending time with me. (We see each other every day, and I stay at his place or he stays at mine.)
Since we've been together, he's only given me two presents (one for my birthday and one for Christmas), and I pretty much made him do that. It didn't feel special at all.
Anyway, I'm stupid enough not to break up with him. I suggested therapy for us because I think it's an issue he has, not me. But he refuses to go to therapy with me or by himself.
I should be with someone who appreciates me and thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.
He said we could try to continue dating and see if it changes, but I don't know how he expects things to change if we don't do anything about it.
When I said we should break up and that he shouldn't be with someone he's not attracted to, he said he disagreed. He got angry at one point because he said I kept giving him reasons to break up, but I didn't do just do it.
And thats true. I wanted him to do it because I knew I couldn't. I don't know why. I cried a lot because I didn't want to break up with him, but I still felt so stupid, and it hurt my pride like shit.
What should I do?
Silly Girl In Love
Hi Silly Girl In Love,
I have to tell you, I felt really sad after reading this. You should NEVER be put through what you've gone through. I wouldn't expect this type of behavior from your worst enemy, much less your partner. And I'm so sorry for that.
Since it's my job to analyze things, I want to explore each and every possible alley in your relationship (explored or unexplored) that I possibly can.
I also want to make it abundantly clear that even in some cases where it seems like I'm defending your man, I'm not. I'm merely offering a perspective I believe you'll find helpful. We only get to hear your side of things in this scenario, after all. So please, hear me out.
If any of my assumptions below are incorrect, my answer, without a doubt, is to break up with him. No part of you should ever be perceived as a “sacrifice,” much less your appearance. That's just horrible.
No part of you should ever be perceived as a 'sacrifice,' much less your appearance.
Despite losing the weight (good for you, by the way!), I do think you may still harbor some insecurities about your body, and you might be making this weight issue a bigger deal than it is.
I mean, he told you he loves you, and he's still with you. If your weight was truly a relationship-ending issue, he wouldn't be with you.
He could be an over-sharer. Maybe when you bring up the weight issue incessantly, he gets fed up and says something harsh — like that horrible sacrifice comment.
Most men have trouble expressing themselves emotionally, but clearly, that's not an issue for your man. I know it sounds unlikely, but some women prefer a man to be forthright as opposed to a dude who keeps everything to himself.
You know what I never heard even once in your testimony, Silly? That you love him. In fact, you don't mention one positive thing about him in your entire email.
Considering the fact that your email is almost 900 words, this is very telling. Instead, you just go on about how horrible he is, that he's a selfish lover, he's not romantic and he doesn't make you feel special.
So what the hell are you doing with him?
You see, when I talk about my fiancée, it's all positive. I can't say enough about her. I gush like a schoolgirl, gossiping to her friends over shared fries at the food court. I love her; I know I do.
It's only going to get worse.
Since you two have been together for only a year-and-a-half and already have negatives that outweigh the positives, it's only going to get worse. This I can assure you. Marriage, a child or moving in together won't fix things, so please do not dig yourself a deeper hole with one of those “remedies.” They rarely fix anything.
I think you know what you have (or want) to do here, Silly. All you need is a little push. Even you admit you've tried to make him break up with you so you don't have to do it yourself. But sorry, pal, you do.
In fact, you say you're “stupid” for not breaking up with him. So if a push is what you need, consider this column a push. Do what you need to do.
You don't want to be with this man; you're just scared of being single.
What you need to do before you re-enter the dating scene, though, is love yourself. I know that sounds cheesier than any given date on "The Bachelor," but this weight loss is something spectacular that should outweigh (pun not intended) whatever insecurities you still have for yourself.
What you need to do before you re-enter the dating scene, though, is love yourself.
I do think your insecurities got the best of you in this relationship, and his comments didn't help. You're fed up with this man, Silly. You're done. He doesn't want to break up, but you do. This much is clear.
So instead of continuing to attack his character and harboring resentment, call it quits. This whole relationship ended when the romance did (which you insist was quite early), and you want yourself a storybook romance.
Go out there and get it, Silly. Get out there, and show off your new body. You've earned it.
Best of luck!
Dear Silly Girl in Love,
Are you in love? What are you in love with?
You wrote us nearly 1,000 words about your boyfriend and didn't say a good thing about him. You didn't mention one redeeming quality. You didn't even do one of those “he's a jerk, but…” things. Not even once.
Are you in love with him? Or are you in love with the idea of love? I know, very profound. It's OK. Everybody is.
If you're in love with the idea of love, read a book. Watch "The Notebook." Find love quotes on Tumblr. But don't stay in something because you think you need to, because you're afraid to be alone or because letting go of anything feels wrong, even things that drain you and leave you devoid of satisfaction.
Are you in love with him? Or are you in love with the idea of love?
But what you're in right now is that storybook Disney ending. This is what happens after the credits roll. They just never show you in the movies.
They never show you Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" and Prince Eric never actually clicking in the sack, or John Smith being uncomfortable with Pocahontas wanting to bang in the bushes and them fighting over it for days.
Life doesn't end after the dramatic kiss. It keeps going and going. And it gets boring. Sex is there to give you something to look forward to when you're lamp shopping at IKEA.
This is why I think you need to get laid. Your life is too much lamp and not enough love. You gotta get laid before you figure out what to do with your man, your life and yourself because you probably can't even think clearly right now.
You know what you need to do. You need to cheat on him.
You need to get laid. You need to get fucked. You need to be ravaged like you forgot it possible, for yourself, for your health and for your state of mind.
You need the certainty that you aren't wrong for wanting what you've been missing.
You need someone to tell you it isn't a sin.
There is a theory that pertains to teenage boys, why they have so much energy and why they act out. It's called being “backed up.”
Basically, they are so sexually suppressed that their frustration manifests in other ways, and they lash out, fight and fart in people's faces because of it. Biology is telling them to do one thing, while society tells them to do another.
The only solution is to, somehow, get the poison out.
The only solution is to, somehow, get the poison out.
You gotta get the poison out, too. You're not a teenage boy, but that doesn't mean it isn't building up in you, too. Society is telling you not to end things with your boyfriend and not to find salvation elsewhere, and biology is telling you something different.
I'm always kind of in favor of siding with biology. We all have needs and urges, and we spend an inordinate amount of our lives denying them for whatever reason. And for what? For this dude who doesn't even want to touch you?
Again, you know what you need to do.
Either he doesn't need sex, and you two aren't physically compatible, or he does, and he's getting it from somewhere else.
I don't know if he's cheating, but I do know once people get mental blocks in their heads over these sorts of things, those blocks rarely go away. He isn't going to wake up one morning and suddenly find you attractive — not when he's made up his mind not to.
And he's not going to wake up the next morning and start acting all romantic if he never has before.
He's not going to wake up the next morning and start acting all romantic if he never has before.
No therapist is going to convince him he wants to go down on you. He just doesn't. It's in his brain. It's part of what makes him him now.
People don't change unless they are forced to by setting or circumstances, and they definitely don't change when all two people keep doing is closing their eyes and hoping the other will.
I want to make something very clear: You are not going to be able to fix this. It doesn't matter how well you treat him, what you buy him, how well you cook or how well you take care of his bronchitis. It doesn't matter how much relationship capitol you build. This is going to be a problem for as long as you're together.
Which is why you know what you need to do.
It's what you want me to tell you to do.
It's that thing you can't convince yourself to do.
You are not going to be able to fix this.
You need to cheat on him. You know it's true.