The beginning of a relationship is, without a doubt, sexy AF all around. You can’t keep your hands off of each other (sorry, everyone in your vicinity, not sorry). Even a mere graze of their fingers on your lower back feels like it sends electricity shooting down your spine. But the honeymoon phase is called a “phase” for a reason. That kind of all-consuming infatuation can’t possibly last forever. That said, it’s totally possible to keep this kind of attraction alive in your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together. So, if your relationship isn’t so sexy anymore, rest assured there’s something you can do about it.
How can you tell if your relationship has lost its sexy appeal? The first thing that may come to mind is your sex life, and while your satisfaction in that department does play an important role in your relationship, it’s not the only thing that makes it sexy. In fact, there are so many ways in which a relationship can be sexy that have nothing to do with how many times you’ve gotten off together recently.
A lot of it comes down to a combined feeling of intimacy, spontaneity, and desire. But if you suspect that your relationship may be lacking in sexiness, keep a lookout for these telling signs that it’s time to turn up the heat.
Everything is predictable AF.
You have your go-to moves in the bedroom, your typical places for takeout, and your dinner dates at the same rotation of restaurants on Friday nights. TBH, even your kisses feel routine — a smooch on your way out the door, and upon coming home from work. It’s normal to fall into certain routines when you’ve been dating someone for a while, especially if you live together. And in fact, having a couple of standing traditions, like watching your favorite show together on Sundays or making a pizza together on Fridays can be totally romantic. But if basically everything has started to feel predictable, that could be a problem. After all, predictability kind of kills the opportunity for sexy vibes.
When was the last time you did something like surprise your boo with a handwritten note in their work bag or plan a spontaneous picnic lunch for the two of you? When was the last time they caught you off guard with a new technique while you were getting frisky? These are the kinds of things that make a relationship undeniably sexy.
The courting has come to a definite close.
When you think of the idea of “courting,” you probably refer back to the early stage of dating someone, when you were both trying to win each other over. Maybe your boo planned thoughtful dates a week in advance or cooked you extravagant dinners. Maybe you bought them little thoughtful gifts now and then just because. If this whole notion of courting has gone out the window, that could be a sign that your relationship isn’t exactly sexy anymore.
“If you've been together a long time or have started to live together, you must remember to continue dating,” says Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Online Life Coaching. “Especially if you're living together, you need to remember that your partner is not your roommate.”
The bottom line? Just because you’re in a secure, long-term relationship doesn’t mean you should stop putting any effort in, because that can seriously hinder how sexy your relationship is.
Flirting is nonexistent.
Flirting plays a massive role in keeping a relationship sexy. It keeps you both feeling wanted, and we all want that, don’t we? And it can be just as simple as sending your boo a quick text to let them know that you’re thinking about them, or making a playfully racy comment as they walk by. One of the easiest and most effective ways to flirt, without a doubt, is giving bae a genuine compliment.
“Make sure you're stroking their ego and making them feel sexy,” adds Martinez. “Give what you're hoping to get and it will pay off.”
So, have you told your boo something you love about them lately or let them know when you thought they looked fine AF? If the flirting has died in your relationship, there’s a good chance the sexy factor has, too.
Physical touch only happens in the bedroom.
The truth is, not everyone’s love language is physical touch. So, for some people, it plays more of an important role in terms of relationship satisfaction than it does for others. However, physical touch definitely breeds intimacy and trust and also contributes to how sexy your relationship is overall. Something as simple as a lingering kiss, a playful butt squeeze, or a sensual shoulder rub makes you and your partner feel connected to each other.
That means that if sex is the only time you and bae are making physical contact, then that spark may have faded somewhat. Do you know how your partner prefers to be touched, and do they know what kind of touch makes you feel loved and appreciated? Have you spontaneously wrapped your arms around them while they’re washing the dishes lately? Have they randomly given you a smooch while you were watching a movie, or held your hand while running an errand? Pay attention to how many of these kinds of affectionate gestures you participate in because they can be a solid indicator of how sexy your relationship is.
So, you’re starting to realize that your relationship is less than sexy. Now what? Fortunately, Martinez says you’re not powerless — there are certainly ways to get out of your rut and reignite the spark. Martinez advises thinking back to the early stages of your relationship to recall what worked rather than reinventing the wheel.
“At one point you both were doing things regularly that you found sexy, so start there,” she says. “One of the easiest ways to get someone back into the flow of things is to remind them that they turn you on and that you want them. Leave them notes, send them texts, change up the sexual routine, get intimate in non-sexual ways.”
But that’s not to say that novelty doesn’t play a part in keeping things exciting, either.
“A lot of people stop feeling sexy because their partner's attention wasn't the same even if nothing changed,” Martinez explains. “In other words, you could have been doing all of the same things that used to turn them on, but they may have become desensitized to it. You need to ramp it up.”
Infusing some spontaneity and elements of surprise into your relationship, keeping the flirting and courting going, and finding new ways to connect physically are all ways to give your relationship the jolt it may need. Remember — the more effort you put into keeping your relationship sexy, the more your SO will likely feel inclined to do the same. It’s a team effort, after all. The point is, while you may be beyond the honeymoon phase, that doesn’t mean you can’t reclaim that sense of wanting your partner oh so badly and feeling just as wanted back. And what’s sexier than that?