It's no big secret that the honeymoon phase is one of the most exciting periods of a relationship. Everything's fun, new, and you and your partner are probably getting intimate on a pretty regular basis. But as time goes on and you and your SO get more comfortable around each other, that excitement can begin to feel a little less intense. Schedules get busy, you're tired — it's normal! But the good news is, there are plenty of simple things to do to spice up your sex life that require minimal effort, yet yield exciting results. "There's always room to spice up one's sex life even with little changes, it just takes a little creativity and team work," Dr. Dawn Michael, relationship expert and certified clinical sexologist, tells Elite Daily.
That's certainly reassuring, especially if your busy lives make the idea of putting in a ton of effort to keep your sex life going strong seems daunting. But is this all easier said than done? According to sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr, the key to making your sex life more exciting is to change the way you approach spicing things up entirely. "Here's the thing about keeping it spicy in the bedroom: It’s not about toys or positions. It’s not about looking sexy or even feeling sexy. It’s not even about what you do in sex," Fehr tells Elite Daily. Instead, she says the key is to focus on building and maintaining your romantic connection, and being present. The rest will follow.
"There are only so many ways you can twist your body into a pretzel to create an exciting new position, and only so many games you can play to spice it up," Fehr says. "If you’re chasing things outside of yourselves, you will be forever chasing them to no satisfaction." With that in mind, here's how the experts recommend focusing on your connection and firing up your passion in the bedroom, all with small, easy-to-achieve changes.
Sure, life gets busy, but it might be time to slow things down while you’re, well, getting busy. “Slow down your touch tenfold and see what happens," says Fehr. "We often go fast to get to the goal, [and] in the process, [we kill] the connection and passion. [Taking it slow] works because, when we slow down, we can re-establish connection and infuse more passion into sex,” she explains “That presence and connection can turn up the heat and passion by a thousand degrees.”
If you've been holding back in the bedroom because of fear or embarrassment, Fehr says it's time to let that go and just be present. “Get vulnerable with each other where you’ve been holding back, like doing something that you’ve been wanting to do with your partner (or to them),” she suggests. “This works because it re-introduces vulnerability and openness into the relationship and builds connection and desire. It takes tiny moments of risking vulnerability to create big sparks in passion.”
An easy way to switch things up and add some more excitement and passion is to try alternating who's in control in the bedroom. “Take turns leading and following,” says Dr. Michael. “It can be as simple as telling the other person what you want them to do with you sexually when it's your turn, and then when it's their turn they can do the same. This also takes the pressure off of a sex life where one person's always leading and the other person's always following."
Adding a touch of sexy talk is one of the the simplest and easiest ways to spice up your sex life, says Dr. Michael. “Tell them what you want them to do, or wear, or a new position — or simply that you desire them,” she advises.
If you’re not sure what to say, Fehr suggests talking about what you enjoy in the bedroom. “Talking about and imagining what feels good to you in sex is a major aphrodisiac. Share what you like about each other’s touch, how it leaves you feeling, and what you want more of,” she says. “Do this outside the bedroom, as part of building up sexual tension and flirting. Do this genuinely and avoid sharing for performance.”
Something as simple as changing when you have sex can add some variety and spice to your sex life, according to Dr. Michael. “Change the time of day that you normally have sex. If you do it in the morning, try it in the afternoon or in the evening," she suggests.
Routine can be a real passion-killer, sex expert and Good For Her founder Carlyle Jansen explains. One low-effort but effective way to add some variety and excitement into your sex life is to try and break out of that routine. “Re-discover your partner every time,” Jansen tells Elite Daily. "When you approach your partner in the same way as you did the last time you had sex, it becomes robotic. See what's new or different in your partner's responses to your touch. Notice a new sensitivity or freckle or place that feels good to touch for you,” she suggests. “Even a small difference can affect the whole experience and make it intense and memorable.”
The takeaway here is that reigniting and maintaining passion really doesn't have to be that hard. It also doesn't need to involve a long, sexy shopping list (though toys are fun and you can totally add them into your play if you want too!) or even particularly advanced moves. It really just comes down to being present and connected with your partner.
Fehr adds one last element to this equation: Curiosity. “When you learn to get curious about each other (and about your own body and what it wants), things become new. Learn to do this, and you will learn to infuse your sex life with passion and excitement forever." Spicy, indeed.
Experts cited:
Dr. Dawn Michael, relationship expert and certified clinical sexologist
Irene Fehr. sex and intimacy coach
Carlyle Jansen, sex expert and Good For Her founder
