Here's How To Deal If Your Partner Doesn't Seem Physically Into You
It's natural for desire to fluctuate over time, so don't freak.
The beginnings of relationships tend to be pretty electric. Everything is new and exciting when you’re getting to know someone new, and while it would be wonderful if that attraction lasted forever, it doesn’t. Once you become intimately familiar with each other’s bodies, habits, and routines, it’s natural for couples to have a cooling-down period, when you no longer feel the need to constantly impress. And while there’s no feeling like totally being yourself with the person you love, there’s a chance you’ll start to think, “My boyfriend isn’t attracted to me anymore, is he?”
Chances are, if your partner truly loves you, then they’ll love you just as much when you’re wearing your retainer and an oversized sweatshirt as they do when you’re rocking a cocktail dress and a fresh blowout. And when you’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, chances are you won’t feel like making out with them 24/7, either. As Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast, previously told Elite Daily, “Levels of sexual desire fluctuate over the course of a lifetime and ebbs and flows are perfectly normal. A decline in desire is not necessarily an indication of a problem and there is no ideal baseline for levels of desire.”
But if you feel like your SO just isn’t showing you as much physical affection or showering you with as many compliments as they used to, then there are ways to bring that to their attention. Here’s how you can spice things up if it feels like your partner doesn’t seem sexually attracted to you.
Talk To Your Partner About How You’re Feeling
Even if it makes you feel silly or needy, you are entitled to let your partner know if you’re feeling a bit neglected. “Do not hurl accusations or make demands. You are not a victim, but you have a right to talk about how you feel,” O’Reilly previously said, adding, “Be mindful of the fact that neither one of you is right or wrong. Neither one of you is broken. You can be healthy and want sex every day and you can be healthy and never want it. Rather than looking to place blame, look for solutions.”
Be clear with your partner about what it is you want. If you wish they would initiate sex more often, then respectfully express that. If you wish they would hold your hand more often, then let them know. If all you’re looking for is for them to compliment your fit once in a while, then by all means, tell ’em. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and they won’t know what it is you feel you’re missing from them until you make it known.
Tell Your Partner Why You Find Them Attractive
Some people learn best by example, and if you wish your SO expressed their attraction to you more often, then try showing them some love first. A person who’s feeling sexy and appreciated is much more likely to make their boo feel sexy and appreciated, right? “Make sure you’re stroking their ego and making them feel sexy,” Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Online Life Coaching, previously told Elite Daily. “Give what you’re hoping to get and it will pay off.” When you start showering your SO with attention — both emotionally and physically — they’re far more inclined to return the favor.
There are endless ways to let your partner know you’re into them. You can tell them their hair looks nice, or you can give them a massage while you watch TV, or you can simply bring them with a coffee without them asking for it. But if you’re looking to turn up the heat in your relationship, don’t be afraid to lay it on thick and tell them exactly what turns you on about them. Once you get them hot and bothered, it’s usually only a matter of time before they’re feeling pretty turned on by you, too.
Change Up Your Routine
Whether you’ve been with someone for 10 weeks or 10 years, it’s easy to fall into a routine. And while there’s nothing wrong with predictability, there’s nothing particularly hot about it, either. “If you've been together a long time or have started to live together, you must remember to continue dating,” Martinez previously said. “Especially if you’re living together, you need to remember that your partner is not your roommate.” And of course, if you act like you and your boo are merely roommates, then that’s what it’s going to feel like.
An easy way to feel more attractive is to do something out of the ordinary. Rather than ordering in Thai food and eating it in your sweatpants, suggest to your boo that you go out to eat. Surprise them with a fancy date night, or new lingerie, or a fantasy you want to try out in bed. The more often you remind your SO you’re not their totally predictable roommate, the better.
Try To Initiate Sex More Often
When your partner doesn’t seem all that physically into you, then initiating sex can be a little scary. No one wants to feel rejected, but as Kayla Lords, a writer and sexpert for Jack and Jill Adult, previously told Elite Daily, it’s natural for one person in a relationship to initiate sex more often. “You may feel more comfortable expressing your sexual desires than your partner. It could also mean that you have a higher sex drive than your partner,” she said. “This doesn't mean they don’t want you, only that your desire for sex is easier to express than it is for your partner.”
Sex is sexy, and if you feel like your SO isn’t into you, then getting out a dry spell may just be the cure you need. And as Dr. O’Reilly previously pointed out, sex also isn’t the only way to feel closer to your partner. “Even if you’re not having sex, schedule time for other types of affection and connection,” she said. “Sexless need not mean loveless, so look for other ways to connect physically, intimately, and emotionally so that you have a foundation for sexual connection.”
Find Other Ways To Feel Sexier
While it’s always nice to have an SO who makes you feel hot, you shouldn’t be dependent on your partner to make you feel sexy and worthy. “The most important thing to remember when you have a partner who has a lower sex drive than you, is that you are not the cause,” Stephanie Alys, co-founder and chief pleasure officer (CPO) of MysteryVibe, previously told Elite Daily. “Everyone is wired a bit differently when it comes to sex drives, and it's not necessarily a reflection on your attractiveness or your bedroom moves.”
Whether you take up a new activity, get a fresh haircut, or simply spend some time reflecting or meditating, there are plenty of ways to give yourself a confidence boost without your boo’s help. Yes, pretty much everyone likes to feel sexy, but confidence comes from within, and when you start to radiate it, your partner won’t be able to help but notice.
Here’s hoping it’s only a matter of time before you two get your mojo back.
Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast
Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Online Life Coaching
Kayla Lords, a writer and sexpert for Jack and Jill Adult
Editor's Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.
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