Hey boy creatures, it's me, Zara, your very own lesbian wing woman! I'm back in business and ready to help you navigate the wild and wonderful world of WOMEN.
I'm here and I'm queer and together we're going to find you everlasting love and mind-blowing sex with gorgeous, multifaceted, fascinating, ~dynamic~ women. Because I'm sick of seeing the douchebags win, if you want the truth. I want to see cool, smart, interesting men like YOU get the girl for once.
How do I know you're cool? Well, you clicked into my article, so of course you're cool, babe. And you're under my protective lesbian wing today.
Today, we're going to get down and dirty with straight boy Tinder.
If you're not already on Tinder, I'm going to kindly ask you to drop whatever the hell you're doing and hop on the Tinder train (if you're currently sexless and single) right now. I know, it sucks. I miss the days of meeting women in bars and clubs and in school, too (but school's out for good, honey. Stop living in the past). I just, like you, feel wildly disconnected in this isolating age of the internet.
But this is just the way things are now. You can either move with the times, or bitterly sit in an uptown bar waiting for some random goddess to swoop down from the high heavens and ask you what kind of beer you drink. It won't fucking happen.
Our generation has developed acute anxiety surrounding human interaction because we're hooked up to computers all day long. She won't approach you, and you won't approach her. And then our generation will be even more screwed, because we'll all be single forever and ever. And then we'll stop procreating and start watching VR porn in place of actual sex, and we'll start having life-sized sex dolls instead of girlfriends, and things will get really, really, really, really weird. I don't want it to get weird. At least not that kind of weird (kinky weird is strongly encouraged).
So quit your moaning and jump on the Tindz.
"I'm just not matching with girls, it's a bore, blah, blah, blah," this cute new guy at work lamented to me over an after-work adult beverage. I gazed at him long and hard through my wine haze. He was totally good-looking. He's employed. Dude is in shape, too. If I played for the straight team, I would swim in his pond.
It suddenly occurred to me that there was no reason in the world that this strapping young lad should ever be struggling in the Tinder department. Come on boys, lez be real: If you're not a toothless, jobless psychopath, there is no reason you shouldn't be matching with girls.
In fact, if you're mildly sane, I would go as far as to say you've got a leg up on 90 percent of the population! It's rough waters out there. Most girls I know are relieved if they meet a guy who's not insane, let alone cool and employed.
So I decided to do some good old fashioned journalistic research on this dear new boy at work and get hands on with his Tinder. I quickly realized exactly why he wasn't getting the matches he oh-so-deserves. He was doing it all wrong, guys! He wasn't marketing himself correctly.
Now that I took over, he's matching left and right at lightening speed. So here's my official guide to navigating the dark and stormy waters of TINDER.
You're only as good as your profile picture.
Think of your profile picture as your headshot if you were an actor. It's the first thing the ladies see, and power babes don't have time to sort through your other pictures, if your profile picture is lame.
You're only as good as your profile pic. Sorry.
FYI, I'm going to objectify you through out this entire article. You're no longer a person; you're a product (sorry, this is business, darling).
Choose a picture just of you. When it's you and a friend, the girls don't know who is who, and by the time they try and figure it out, the Adderall will have already worn off and they'll be on to the next.
You're only as good as your profile pic.
Make sure you're NOT wearing sunnies (sunglasses). If you're wearing sunnies, you look like you're trying to hide something, you sketchy boy creature. We need to see your eyes, your face (clearly) and please try to look pleasant.
I'm not saying you have to smile hugely and show off your thousand-dollar smile, but don't look miserable or like you're trying to hard to be suave (that shit makes girls over the age of 18 vomit in their mouths). Just be authentically you, sweet pea.
The rest of your pictures should be a variety.
OK, so now your profile picture looks cool, but you need to have a slew of other pictures to show that you're a multifaceted human being. You might be a sucker for just a pretty face, but hey -- girls need substance. We need to know you do other things besides gaze those gorgeous eyes into a camera lens.
These are the following types of pictures that you need in this exact order AFTER THE PROFILE PICTURE.
- A picture of you with some friends, but not a picture where you're all blacked out and vile. Maybe a picture of you guys on vacation somewhere by a pool? Maybe show a little ~skin~? Unless your friends are all in better shape than you. Then keep your clothes on. It can be a party picture, just not a gross black out picture. Do you get what I'm saying? (Message me if you don't.)
- A picture of you that shows what you're into. Like you surfing, hiking, whatever vibe you want to give out to the girl creature. Show yourself in your natural element. Don't do some false advertising garbage and put a pic of the ONE time you volunteered with animals at the shelter if that's not what you're into. You will attract all the animal chicks, and then they'll be pissed when they realize that's not who you really are.
- A low-key body pic. Don't do a mirror selfie. I KNOW, if you go through my Instagram it's all mirror selfies, but I'm a vain douchebag, so do as I say, not as I do. Post something where you're by a pool or at the beach, or even doing something active. ATTENTION: You don't need a perfect body to get a girl. Just show that you don't have some bizarre addition, like a third leg. Girls aren't that picky, and most are into the dad bod anyhow.
- A family pic. We like to see where you come from. And if you have a totally whacked-out fam that you don't talk to, don't fret. Take a picture with your best friend's family, and when she asks you about it, say, "They are like my second family , since I don't really have one of my own." She'll melt. You'll be locked in. You're welcome.
Stay away from the following pictures.
Mirror pics, too many group pictures (it gets confusing), selfies (unless they're amazing), Snapchat pics with dumb captions or filters, anything that makes you look like a loser who's trying too hard, too serious pictures, pictures of you with a girl who may or may not be your girlfriend, and pictures of YOU AT A CLUB WITH BOTTLE SERVICE (THAT IS A DEAL BREAKER).
Your bio is actually important.
Say what you do for living -- this is very important. You don't have to be a BANKER WANKER (get that out of your head). But show that you're employed.
And if you're not employed, say you're a writer or something. Acknowledge that jobs are real, and that you're into a career. Career girls like career boys, and career girls will keep you stimulated both in and out of the bedroom, because they've got active minds and need sexual releases.
As far as the bio -- if you're funny, be funny. If you're witty, be witty. Just don't try too hard or say a stupid one-liner. Keep it simple and confident. Girls can see through any sort of bullshit, so just be yourself. Even if yourself is nerdy. There are plenty of hot nerd babes in the Tindersphere who will be into you.
Don't link your Instagram or SNAPCHAT.
It's just thirsty. (BTW, I do all of these things, but I'm a lesbian. Straight girls aren't looking for vain lesbians; they're looking for MEN.)
Also, Snapchat makes girls think that you want nudes. At least that's what I've heard flying around the straight girl rumor mill. Don't quote me on that one.
OK, so now you're ready for the fun part. You're ready to converse.
Always lead a conversation with a question.
Don't ever just say "hi" or drop some dumb one-liner. Be a human, but never leave without asking her a question. This will make it seem like you're actually interested in what she has to say (which is sadly refreshing), and leave room for her to answer. GIRLS HATE TO BE LEFT HANGING WITH NO QUESTION.
For example, "I'm having a good day" = bad. However, "I'm having a good day, how about you?"= good (just try to use less basic adjectives, OK?)
Ask her out on a IRL date within three days.
I'm sorry, but what's the fucking point if you aren't going to ask her out? Do you want a texting buddy? No, you don't and neither does she. Within three days, YOU MUST ask her for a drink. Don't get all crazy and ask her to dinner, but a nice, civilized drink at a non-bro bar.
Alright boys. Now you've officially got this. I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you (not sexually, but I have a deep affection for you).