Lez Get You Laid: How To Give A Woman Oral Sex, As Told By A Lesbian

Hey boys, I'm back. It's me, Zara, your trusted lesbian Internet wingwoman.

We met a few months ago after I offered you my unsolicited dating and sex advice, in an article entitled "Lez Get You Laid: Sex And Dating Tips For Men From A Lesbian." If you read that gorgeous, wise little article, then you know me, and you know I'm totally on your side.

If you don't know me, let me give you a brief introduction: My name is Zara Barrie, and I'm a full-blast, lady-loving lesbian. I love girls as much as you guys do.

It's recently come to my attention that some of you may be a little intimidated about going down on a woman...or just not know what the f*ck you're doing. Hey, I get it. The first time I ever went down on a girl (sophomore year of high school, I think?) I was sh*t scared. I mean, the vagina is like this mystical holy grail that unlocks the secrets to the ever-expansive universe.

But you know what I've learned after a decade of giving -- and receiving -- oral sex to and from women? It's actually really not that hard to get a girl off. It's not as easy as getting YOU off, but as long as you follow some basic guidelines -- it's fun and super addictive.

Besides, who understands a woman better than a lesbian? We lesbians might as well have honorary doctorates in the art of le girl.

With that, I proudly present to you Zara's simple five-step guide to going down on women. You're welcome, boys.

1. Make the girl feel hot as f*ck.

Men, hear me when I say this: Step one is the key to not only being better at oral sex, but the key to a less stressful life.

We girls have been trained by society to believe our vaginas are ugly, vile places and men don't like to go down on such dirty, salacious parts of the girl body. We are made to believe boys just want tits and lips (mouth lips).

Not true! I know this as well as you do! Vaginas are glorious places. A vagina is the expensive, five-star hotel in a world of sh*tty motels. Vaginas are the reasons buildings are built and the world f*cking rotates.

Also, it makes us hot to make a girl feel hot, right? And nothing can make her scream with passion like oral.

However, I AM a girl, and due to our f*cked-up society, I get really self-conscious, too. I used to be one of those girls who was like "No, it's OK. I prefer to go down on you!" Which was a bold-faced lie. I just thought she didn't like going down on me.

And girls cannot, I repeat, cannot, come when they're feeling self-conscious. This is when fake orgasms come into play. And don't think you're the exception to the rule. No one is. Girls fake orgasms all the time.

Girls need to be told they're hot, sexy and turning you on incessantly. I know, I know. We should already know. But here is the stone cold truth: It's not enough for you to be down there. We have to know you want to be down there, you like it down there, and we're f*cking gorgeous creatures with magical vaginas.

Before you dare to go down, make sure you make us feel super sexy. Validate the f*ck out of us. It's easy.

So before it's gotten even close to oral time, when it's still in the make-out phase of the hookup, take breaks and say things like "You're so f*cking hot." "You're so gorgeous." "I love your sexy body."

When I'm told VERBALLY that you desperately want to f*ck me, I can relax. And girls need to feel relaxed in order to enjoy oral SEX.

2. Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay.

Sometimes I will be so sexually aroused by a woman that I just WANT TO DIVE IN AND EAT HER OUT. AGH I'M SO TURNED ON I JUST WANT TO SKIP THE BULLSH*T AND GO FOR IT.

But then, I take a deep breath and ask myself this pivotal question: Do you like it when someone just goes right down there with a reckless abandon, Zara? No, you don't. Slow. The. F*ck. Down.

Boys don't mind if a girl just goes straight in for the blow-jay (Note: I used to sleep with your kind). It doesn't matter if the entire transaction lasts all of five minutes. You just want to come.

Girls are a far more complicated story. You need to warm a woman's body up. Think of me like a cold piece of bread you pulled straight from the fridge; you have to stick me in the toaster and warm me up so I'm all golden and crispy before you eat me.

Otherwise the experience just isn't as pleasant, right? Cold toast is gross. Cold box is worse.

Kiss our entire bodies up and down, head to toe, BUT don't touch the clit (yet). Also, at this stage, feel free to throw in the occasional moans and "I want you so bad."

However, don't do it too much because that gets f*cking annoying -- just pepper it in here and there. Use your instincts.

All you boys have instincts, I promise. Trust them.

3. Master the art of the TEASE.

The trick to going down on a girl (and again, to girl world, in general) is to tease her. You don't want to venture down under, until she's dripping wet and begging for it. She should be pulling her hair out of her head, willing and eager to sell her first-born child just to have your precious lips and tongue on her precious parts.

Girls love anything that's hard to get. If it comes easy and quickly, we deem it cheap (this is why girls have an adverse reaction to the sale rack).

Start off with just a little hand play. Slowly touch the top of her with your hands LIGHTLY over her underwear. Take her underwear off. Go back up to the top and kiss her on the mouth again, and then kiss her entire body, slowly and sensually.

Not like hard bird pecks. That just feels weird.

Then before you even get to her clit, kiss her inner thighs and pelvic area. Go slowly. Get into it. Keep teasing. You can tell how excited a girl is by putting your finger down there. Is she wet? She should be dripping by now... and if she isn't, keep teasing, boys.

And before you go in for the kill (she better be breathing heavily and in a full-body tremble), breathe a little hot air right on the clit.

It's a little trick of the trade I learned in my years of hands-on studying oral.

4. Get down there, and don't be a wimp about it.

Going down on a woman is not scary; it's actually a wonderful experience. Look at the vagina. This is very important: You must not be afraid to look at it. If you're afraid to look at a woman's vagina, dead on, you have no business being down there.

Start by slowly using your tongue. Don't go at it like it's a slice of teeming hot pizza you would pick up at the bar at 4 am. Circular motions are nice. Play around -- ASK what feels good. Which leads me beautifully into my final, most important point...

5. Listen to her body, and remember NO TWO WOMEN ARE THE SAME.

OK, so you've been down south before, have you, big guy? You made your last girl have earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasms, so this one should be no problem. You know what the f*ck you're doing.

No you don't. And neither do I. No two women are the same. All women like different things. Some women like it soft and gentle; other women like it hot and fast. Some of us (like me) like both and are total wild cards depending on the day.

You must listen to her body. Don't just recklessly start playing around with something because your last girl liked it. We all have different sensitivity levels and triggers spots. If she's breathing heavy and making sounds, it's good. Let her body be your tour guide.

And don't be afraid to communicate: "Babe does this feel good?" "Do you like it here?" Are totally valid questions. If she isn't comfortable communicating what feels good, she's got some deeper issues that you might not be able to rectify.

PRO TIP: Put a pillow under her lower back. This elevates the pelvic area and will give her a deeper orgasm. Also -- try sticking your finger inside of her, and finger f*ck her (if you're coordinated enough) while you're going down on her -- especially when she's about to come.

Again, you're welcome.

Lots of love,

Zara, your new lesbian wingwoman XO.