5 Ways To Relax When Your Partner's The One Putting The Moves On You
by Jamie Kravitz

In a perfect world, getting comfortable enough to actually enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex shouldn't be so difficult. After all, when performed correctly, it can bring you extreme pleasure. But many people can't help but experience strong self-conscious feelings about their partner going down on them. Oftentimes, women in particular are so preoccupied by these thoughts that they can't fully focus on the experience. Learning how to relax during oral sex takes time and effort, but this common roadblock shouldn't stop you from ever enjoying cunnilingus.

If you find that you're too stuck in your head to actually relax and enjoy someone going down on you, there are a few different solutions you can try. I spoke to two sex therapists about the reasons why you might be unable to relax while someone goes down on you, strategies for feeling more comfortable, and when and how you should discuss your concerns about oral sex with your partner.

Here are five expert-approved ways to feel more relaxed when your partner's the one putting the moves on you, because you deserve to experience every delicious moment.

Consider why you're feeling anxious.
Stocksy/Alexey Kuzma

The first step toward feeling more comfortable when receiving oral sex is to figure out where your discomfort is actually coming from. Once you find the root of the problem, you can implement the right solutions to help you work through it.

"Many women feel that receiving oral sex is more intimate than intercourse as their partner is getting an up close and personal look, smell, and taste of their vulva," says Rachel Hoffman, sex therapist at Union Square Practice. It's common to be self-conscious about the way you look, smell, or taste, and therefore resist oral sex.

Another possible reason for hesitation could be that you aren't getting much out of the oral sex. "Some women have difficulty communicating what they find pleasurable," says Hoffman. "Depending on the relationship ... the woman could also feel anxious about what will occur next, [like] if the partner is going to assume they will be having intercourse."

If you're feeling general anxiety, Hoffman suggests doing some sensate therapy. Breathe in and focus on where you are at that particular moment. Pay attention to how the sheets feel on your body. Is the air cold or warm? Can you hear music, birds, or cars? These thoughts can help you stay present.

Trust that your partner enjoys bringing you pleasure.
Stocksy/Alexey Kuzma

In the event that you're worried about cleanliness, you can always excuse yourself before getting intimate. Hoffman says to avoid soap that could irritate the area, but that it's fine to quickly wash yourself with some water down there.

Being preoccupied with whether or not your partner likes the way you smell or taste is one of the most common reasons why women are unable to relax while receiving oral sex, says certified sex therapist and licensed mental health therapist Kristin Marie Bennion. "That is why some women prefer to receive oral sex right after they shower, but many don't feel the need to do so and learn to trust that their partner is enjoying bringing them pleasure," she says.

If your partner is choosing to go down on you, they're likely getting something out of it, too. The person giving oral sex tends to find the experience just as hot as the person on the receiving end. If you're feeling anxious, trust that your partner is getting pleasure out of seeing you enjoy yourself.

Learn to feel good about your own body.
Stocksy/Milles Studio

"Another reason a woman may be uncomfortable during oral sex is that she feels her vulva doesn't look the way that it 'should,'" says Bennion. "There is a popular misconception that there is an 'ideal' way a vulva should look, but that simply isn't true. There are vulvas of all shapes and shades, so developing a positive relationship with [your body] is a great way to begin feeling a lot more comfortable during oral sex."

Learning to love your body and understanding your capacity for pleasure are two ways to help make oral sex more enjoyable for both you and your partner.

Practice telling your partner what you like and dislike.
Stocksy/Leah Flores

If the reason you're feeling uncomfortable is that you aren't getting much pleasure, you can kindly communicate with your partner to help them better perform. "If you are able to feel pleasure from clitoral stimulation but your partner is not performing well, you can just give ... small cues during oral sex," says Hoffman.

She suggest saying something like, "Can you suck on the clitoris more?" Or, "Rub it with your palm at the same time." And if you get more pleasure from G-spot stimulation, you can ask your partner to finger you while they use their mouth.

Getting good at telling a partner what you do and don't prefer will help you to experience more pleasure and is a great way to feel more comfortable and confident when receiving oral sex.

Consider talking to a sex therapist.
Stocksy/Briana Morrison

If you're still having a hard time relaxing during oral sex, you should have a discussion with your partner sooner rather than later. "Finding out down the road that she hasn't been enjoying oral sex when perhaps they were under the impression that she was can lead to unnecessary misunderstandings and conflict," says Bennion. "Most importantly, talking about it as soon as possible provides an opportunity for things to begin to get better as there is more understanding and an opportunity to approach the concern together."

If you feel general anxiety and don't know why, bring it up with your partner outside of the bedroom. "Tell them that for some reason you feel anxiety or uncomfortable with oral sex and you're not sure why, but you are trying to figure it out. Assure your partner that it is not them (if that's the case) and that you will continue to be open and honest about how you feel," says Hoffman.

It can also be helpful to consult a sex therapist, who can work with you to sort through the the anxiety and give you exercises to determine where the discomfort stems from. "There is never a wrong time to seek help from a sex therapist," says Bennion.

It's completely normal to feel uncomfortable with oral sex, but anxiety shouldn't stop you from enjoying yourself. Implement these strategies on your own and with your partner, and if the situation doesn't improve, consider seeking outside help.

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