Lez Get You Laid: Sex And Dating Tips For Men From A Lesbian

by Zara Barrie

No one understands a woman like a lesbian. No one.

Because not only are we lesbians crazy (the good kind), complicated, multi-dimensional women, but we also happen to exclusively date, f*ck and fall in love with other crazy (the good kind), complicated, multi-dimensional women.

We are blessed with a bird's eye view into the underworld of woman-ness. We experience all ends of the girl spectrum. We know what it feels like to be a female in this cruel, cold world and to also have weathered the storm of dating a female.

Basically, lesbians are certified girl experts. We might as well all come equipped with an honorary master's degree in WOMAN from Harvard University.

Every time I listen to my straight female friends bitch about the (innocently) dumb things men do, I can't help but think, Damn, it's rough waters out there for heterosexuals.

Straight men are completely and utterly clueless when it comes to women. And this is hardly the fault of men, because herein lies the truth: Men and women are entirely different species from one another.

A straight male and a straight woman are like two aliens from two opposite sides of the galaxy who speak entirely different languages and attempt to not just communicate, but date, fall in love, have SEX and share their lives together.

Sh*t is real.

So boys, lez me help you understand the art of girl.

Because of my lesbian-ness, I've been provided with a unique perspective, an insider's glance into the female mind. I know what women want, and I know how to give a woman what she wants. I know how I want to be pleased, and I know how to please.

So on this fine day, I'm going to put my expertise to good use. Because, boy-creature, as harrowing as it sometimes appears, it's actually pretty f*cking easy to make your girl happy and sexually satisfied.

Once you understand how a woman's brain works, you will come to find there are simple, effortless tips to abide by that will keep your lady perpetually content.

Tip 1: A woman isn't beer; she's wine.

To explain the complexity of a woman, let me use an approachable metaphor for you.

You are beer. Beer tastes good. It's easy to drink. You can recklessly toss back a sh*t ton of it while watching football with your bros without getting too sauced.

Women, on the other hand, are wine. Wine is velvety and smooth. It can be bitter if it's left overnight without a cork. It's rich with notes and intricate flavors.

And if you drink it too quickly or get cheap with it, you will undoubtedly be punished with the worst hangover of your life the next morning.

Tip 2: Don't get discouraged when pursuing a woman.

Pursuing a woman is like hacking through a wild jungle of discouragement with a dull machete. We are elusive like the endangered black jaguar. We are coy. We are mystery, personified.

If she likes you, she’s most likely not going to hang all the f*ck over you. She may act completely uninterested in you. You might even think she hates you.

However, do not be discouraged by her aloofness.

Fight for her. Nothing in the world is sexier to a woman than a man who is assertive in his pursuits for her attention.

In short, stop sulking. Stop being lazy. Ask her out, and get on with it. Because nothing is less sexy to a girl than when you ask, “Can I kiss you?”

Tip 3: Don't take anything she says at face value.

Just because we say we want to be alone doesn't mean we want to be alone. Just because we say we’re "fine" doesn't mean we're actually fine (in fact, "fine" usually means our lives are falling apart).

There is almost always a subtext, a hidden meaning behind our words.

My best advice is to read a woman's body language. The body doesn't lie. If she tells you she wants to be alone and peers out into the distance while sticking out her bottom lip, she doesn't want to be alone. She wants you to stay and tell her everything is going to be okay.

If she says she's fine and turns her body toward the door, don't hesitate. Immediately ask her what's wrong and how you can help.

Tip 4: Everything means something.

Guys go about their business and live their lives in ignorant bliss. If they don't text a girl they like back, it's probably because a) they can't find their phone, b) they're playing video games with their friends or c) they're generally not paying attention to anything.

Oh, how different for women. If a woman texts you back right away, it's a bold, calculated move. If a woman doesn't text you back, trust me, she didn't "lose her phone" (it's against our inherent nature to lose our phones). She's either pissed at you OR she really likes you and is playing it cool.

You know what? Now that I'm thinking about it...

Tip 5: Play it f*cking cool.

Seriously. With everything. I get that you’re excited -- there is a beautiful, stunning girl right in front of your eyes. Your hormones are running wild, and she's making you nervous. I GET IT.

But girls really want someone who knows how to play it cool. Make the reservation. Ask the waiter to fill up the waters. Take a deep breath.

Tip 6: Master the art of the tease.

Men are ready to go all the time at any given moment. A gust of wind blows up your shorts, and BAM, your boner is ripe.

Girls are a little bit different. We need to be warmed up. I understand you have a hot, sexy woman in front of you, and your diamond-hard dick is painfully pressing against your jeans, but wait. Tease her. Make her want it. Go SLOW, no matter how excited you are.

(And the best part is, if you go slow and get her really, really excited, the sex will be SO MUCH better. For BOTH of you. Trust me on this one.)

Tip 7: Women really, really, REALLY like actions.

Talk is cheap. Pick the spot, make the reservation, and show up on time. It's easy, really.

Tip 8: Specificity is your friend.

My girlfriend complimented me on my eyelashes on our first date, and I literally melted.

"Beautiful" doesn't cut it. "Beautiful" is vague. Get specific. I know it's not in your nature to notice details, so pick anything, and compliment the f*ck out of it.

When in doubt, "I love your eyes" or "You have amazing cheek bones" works like a charm.

Tip 9: Validation is your best friend.

Don't be afraid to tell a woman she looks amazing, is killing it in her career and teeming with potential to take over the world.

I know you THINK all of these awesome thoughts, but those thoughts are useless unless you say them out loud.

Once she has been indulged in this way, she can relax and have a good time with you.

Tip 10: The clitoris is your best friend in the whole wide world.

Find it. Understand it. Master it. Live it. Love it.

Tip 11: Don't shy away from mild PDA, especially when talking to other girls.

Unless they’re insane, chicks won’t actually get pissed and cut your balls off because you had a friendly conversation with another girl, as long as you abide by this simple rule: While you’re talking to that girl, put your hand on your girlfriend's leg or your arm around her shoulders.

I've made this mistake many a time and gotten into heaps of trouble with past girlfriends. It will save you a lifetime of arguments if you just let the world know you're in LOVE with your girlfriend by displaying a small smattering of public affection toward her.

Tip 12: Calm her down WITHOUT telling her to calm down.

If you want to calm a girl down (which you do because we’re perpetually teeming with nervous energy), the worst thing you can do is tell her to calm down. Nothing enrages us more.

The way to calm us down is by listening to us and being that nice, calm energy that balances our neuroses out.

Tip 13: When she starts getting pissed at you, she likes you.

When she starts getting irrationally jealous or mad as hell for you not calling her, you're in. When she's pissed at you for anything, you're in, bro.