Lez be real: There are going to be times in our lives when we all need a good old fashioned f*ck buddy. And guess what baby? It's 2016. The landscape has changed. Girls want f*ck buddies, too.
I know, I know, movies and songs make it look like all girls just want to FALL IN LOVE. And yes, some do, but sometimes girls just want to f*ck, for f*ck's sake. There is no shame in the sex game. Not here, at least.
However, navigating the whole casual hook-up charade can be as tricky as unhooking a bra in a pitch black room.
I mean, it's hardly your fault; men and women speak entirely different languages. It's like getting two foreign aliens from two different planets together and expecting them to not only seamlessly communicate, but date, f*ck and fall in love.
I really don't know how you straight people do it ('tis a blessing to be a lez). But lucky for you, I'm here to bridge the gap. Think of me as your loyal translator here to help YOU navigate the language barrier.
Look, I'm not a prude (That ship has sailed.), and I confidently believe everyone has the right to a successful f*ck buddy. But I can't sugarcoat this for you: You guys really f*cking suck at it.
See, there is a proper etiquette guide that you must follow with your f*ck buddy, otherwise you will just be deemed another assh*le, and you're better than that.
I can no longer sit quietly and watch you continue to piss the cool, badass chicks you're hooking up with off. Trust me. I work at Elite Daily -- a thriving Mecca of cool, badass chicks -- and they tell me things. All kinds of things. About you.
So I'm here to teach you how to have a f*ck buddy without being a f*ckboy.
Don't make dumb assumptions.
I've seen this a million, zillion times. You're interested in hooking up with a girl (nothing more), but you can't wrap your brain around the idea that SHE might just be interested in only hooking up with you (nothing more).
I hate to break it to you, but not every girl who is attracted to you wants to date you, either. She might think you're cute, but maybe you're not boyfriend material. Maybe she's not looking to be cuffed. Maybe she wants to be a free gorgeous bird, running wild in the city streets without having to answer to a "boyfriend."
Don't assume that just because she wants your body, she wants your brain, too.
However, there will, of course, be times she DOES actually like you. And you're aware of this, but you want to sleep with her SO BAD that you make a big show of pretending you want something more, as a tactic to get her into bed.
Don't do this. This is f*cked up, and when she slashes your tires a month from now, don't expect me to come to your rescue. Not this time. I will leave your ass on the cold, city streets.
Look, you have to lay your cards out on the table right in the very beginning. Don't "woo her" romantically because you want sex. Tell her exactly what you want out of this dynamic. This way, she can decide what she wants.
And if she won't sleep with you because she's looking for a deeper connection, she can get out without getting her heart crushed into a million little pieces.
Don't be a f*cking DICK about it.
BE UPFRONT like I advised, but don't be a f*cking dick about it, dudes! You don't need to go saying sh*t like "you're not girlfriend material," or "I'm actually not over my ex," or "I'm waiting for this one chick I like to come around." Don't over-explain yourself. She doesn't need to know the details, and even if she's just looking for sex, no girl wants to hear about your ex.
"So what do I say, Zara?" you ask. "YOU TELL US WHAT WE CAN'T SAY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US WHAT TO SAY!"
Relax boy creatures. I've got you.
Tell her she's awesome, but you're just not in a place for anything more than a one-night stand. Make sure she's cool with it, and make sure you let her know that while you want to have sex with her, you totally respect her and her boundaries.
Also, you don't have to constantly remind her you're just "hooking up." Sh*t is SO condescending. Have the conversation, set some boundaries, be polite AND GET ON WITH IT.
The whole point of a f*ck buddy is being free to have hot, steamy, mind-blowing sex without these kinds of annoying conversations. Have "the talk" once, and get down and dirty.
Don't treat her like a girlfriend on demand.
Look boys, I get it. Sometimes we all just want to crawl into a warm body and enjoy a gorgeous, glorious date. Sometimes we are just struck with an inexplicable desire for romance.
I will throw myself under the bus here:
I've been the "assh*le dude" in this situation many times, back in my f*ckgirl past. I would suddenly crave an old-school romantic date, so I would invite my casual hookup for a night out. We'd drink wine, cross boundaries and have a beautiful evening at an expensive restaurant together until we become fully caught up in the heat of the moment. The "girlfriend" word would get recklessly tossed into the boozy mix.
And that's totally my (and your) fault. We can't drunkenly call someone our "girlfriend" and then treat her like she's crazy when she acts like one.
You can't have a girlfriend on demand. It's such a dick move. I get the tendency. But it just doesn't work like that with women. Women are too smart. They will catch on, and it won't end pretty.
However, if you are catching feelings -- totally take her out! Just don't get pissed and resentful if she doesn't catch them back. She might be better at f*cking without feelings than you are.
Let her stay the night (if she wants to).
Any way you slice it, sex is a wildly vulnerable act to engage in. You are literally INSIDE of another human being. Don't have sex with anyone (male or female, in case you switch teams, because who knows?) and kick her out afterward.
You were intimate with her. You can share the bed for a night. If you're comfortable enough to be inside of her, you should be comfortable enough to snug (again, only if she wants to).
If you're repulsed by the idea of her in your bed, you got some f*ckboy issues you need to get over before you're ready for a f*ck buddy.
Return the oral sex favor, please.
"I gave him the best head of his life, and he didn't even TRY to go down on me, what a total joke! That's the last time I hook up with him! What a little bitch," my gorgeous straight-girl friend loudly exclaimed to me the other day.
Maybe you've hooked up with a lot of girls who have claimed they "don't like it." That's fine. If she doesn't want it, don't ever pressure oral (or anything for that matter). But boys, at least TRY! Most girls I know love when the boy goes down under.
If she puts her precious lips on your dick, you can certainly go down on her gorgeous girl parts. Don't know what you're doing? READ MY ORAL SEX GUIDE. NOW.
Look, girls talk. You don't want to be the guy who is known as the piece of sh*t who didn't go down on the girl. It's a reputation that will cause pretty girls to snicker in your presence, and that's no way to live.
Don't talk to her about girls you like and/or are hooking up with.
Even if the girl bears ZERO emotional feelings for you and is simply using you for your boy body, she still doesn't want to hear about other girls you're f*cking, talking to or "like."
WRAP YOUR D*CK UP!
It's not the girl's responsibility to carry a condom around with her. She's already got a sh*t ton to deal with: pregnancy scares, periods and birth control. Reproductive health is a full-time job. The least you can do is provide the condoms!
And don't ever, ever get lazy about the condoms and try to stick it in bare. Don't even suggest it, you dirty little animal.
Remember: There might be a morning-after-pill for pregnancy, but there is NO morning-after-pill for STDS.
BE A GENTLEMAN.
Look, even if it's just a f*ck buddy, you need to respect the hell out of anyone you're having "sexual relations" with.
Casual or not, you're still being intimate with another human being with a soul and feelings and all the rest of that sh*t.
Just. Be. Nice. Offer her a glass of water (or wine, or beer, or a cigarette, or whatever the hell you crazy kids are into). Offer to pay for her Uber home. BE THE GENTLEMAN MAMA RAISED YOU TO BE.
And if you end up catching feelings, don't freak the f*ck out and push her away.
Some of the best relationships are born directly out of a seemingly meaningless f*ck buddy sitch.
See you next time!
Zara, your lesbian wingwoman XO.