All right. Lez get real, kids. No one is more terrified of picking up a girl at a bar than I am. In fact, I'll just throw it out there: I'm afraid of women.
Who can blame me, really? Women are complicated, mystical creatures, gorgeously multifaceted and wildly complex. Women are born with an innate bullsh*t radar and can tear down your ego in seconds with an ice-cold gaze and subtle roll of the eye. They can smell inauthenticity and sense an ulterior motive before you've even had the chance to explain yourself.
Who wouldn't be afraid of a WOMAN? Only a fool. And any woman who knows her worth isn't going to f*ck around with a fool.
But even though I might be completely overcome with shyness when it comes to even making small talk with my own kind, I still know what women like.
First of all, I am a woman. Like all women, I've been hit on by a few men in my day. I've also had the unique pleasure of being hit on by women. And let me tell you: Wipe sexual attraction out of the equation, and 9 times out of 10, lesbians have a way smoother, more effective approach than men.
Did I just make a sweeping generalization? Yeah, I DID. And I don't feel like apologizing for it. Because it's just true.
A lot of my straight girlfriends agree. Just the other night, I took a hetero lady friend of mine to a lesbian party, and she was so enamored by the lesbian prowess pulsating through the air that she momentarily contemplated switching over to the dark side with me. I'm pretty sure I saw her blush. Twice. And this babe isn't a blusher.
And while, yeah, I do find it scary to hit on women, I've grown bolder and wiser with age. I've implemented the advanced lesbian flirting tactics I've keenly observed over the years into my own pick-up approach, and sh*t works. Evidence is in this video I made just last month:
So I'm here to help you straight men.
It's hard to pick up a woman in a bar without seeming like a total f*cking creep. It takes a master's degree to even remotely understand the inner workings of a woman. Plus, truth be told, there really are a lot of creeps out there roaming around the wilderness. The ladies have their guards up, and it takes a f*cking bulldozer to break down those epic walls of steel.
Here are some tips and tricks to help YOU pick up that gorgeous, fascinating girl in the back of the bar without seeming like a serial killer. Because no one wants to go home with a serial killer.
Remember that the first pick-up line is not a pick-up line.
Boys, you need to master the art of eye contact before you swoop in for the pick-up line kill. This is how you can tell that she even wants to be approached at all.
Now, I'm not the best with my words, but I'm excellent with my eyes, so I can really help out on this one. You don't want to go in for the eye f*ck right away. That's creepy.
Start by just catching her eye and smiling. Not a creepy predator serial killer smile; just an authentic, small smile. It's all about being subtle.
If she smiles back or even meets your eyes, then you can let your eyes linger a little longer when they meet again.
It's a tease. Remember, girls don't like things that come too easily. We deem it cheap if it's overly available. I don't shop at the sale rack for this very reason. I think there's something wrong with it if it's cheap. Like it or hate it, that's just the way it works, babe.
So play around with the eye contact for awhile. And when the tension is hanging heavy in the air and a few personality drinks have been tossed back, slowly approach her.
Specificity is your best friend. Like I said earlier, women have an inherent bullsh*t radar. They know when you're using a "line" on them. I don't care how good you are -- you'll never convince a woman that you're being authentic if you're not really being authentic.
So how does she know you're just playing roulette with words and not paying her a real compliment? Because you're being so f*cking generic, that's why!
Don't just go up to her and creepily say, "You have pretty eyes." She will turn her back to you and pretend to text her friend.
A lesbian will take the same line and cater it exactly to the girl in question. She'll say something like, "Wow, you're eyes are really interesting. What color are they? Is that hazel? That's a really unique color."
This works because she's showing the girl that she really took the time to LOOK at her eyes and make observations. She's not just ogling her tits. You can't tell eye color from staring at a girl's chest, unfortunately (trust me, I've tried).
Play it f*cking cool.
Men are either like excited, puppy dogs with their tongues hanging out, slobbering all over you, clawing at you with their dirty paws -- OR they're cats. Shy, distant kittens who scurry off at the sight of a pretty girl.
Lesbians, however, understand balance. They know how to play it ~cool~.
Don't be super aggressive asking for her PHONE NUMBER or anything crazy just yet. Take a deep breath. Relax. Start by asking her name.
I get it. She's stunning, and it's hard to not start wagging your tail, but channel your inner power lesbian if you can.
As long as you listen to her and play off of her commentary, you'll be totally fine.
Pay attention to body language.
Women don't like to be crowded. High school was full of poor female/male boundaries, and we've been traumatized. Women appreciate a man who respects personal space.
The trouble is that sometimes when boys are too liquored up, they lose sight of their spacial relationships. So let HER ~cozy up~ to YOU.
When her entire body is directed toward you, and she's batting her long, lush lashes into your eyes and smiling, it's OK to move in. But again, go in slowly.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Women. Love. A. Tease.
If she's stiff and radiating ice-cold beams of energy, she's either not interested or has a boyfriend. Don't let it put a dent in your self-esteem. Move on!
Find a lesbian wingwoman.
Lesbians make for some pretty badass wingwomen. Because if you're a dude hanging out with a lesbian, you're letting all the straight women in the bar know that you're capable of being friends with a woman even when there is zero chance of sex.
Also, we'll keep you in check. My kind is outspoken by nature, and we'll let you know when you're breaching creep territory.
The tricky thing is that sometimes, our skills can turn on you. And the girl will decide that maybe she's more interested in us. Even if she's "straight."
I mean, come on! I was "straight" once...