If when you think of St. Patrick's Day, you think of the patron saint of Ireland to whom this feast day is dedicated in the Catholic Church, you're probably in the minority. Truthfully, when most people think of March 17, they think of drunken parades through the streets, obnoxious face paint, and Shamrock Shakes at McDonald's. Capitalism, am I right? With that in mind, what better excuse to get festive than coming up with dirty texts for St. Patrick's Day?
Basically, the goal is to think of as many St. Patrick's Day puns as you can and then make them sexy, which shouldn't be too hard. See what I did there? Think 2011's Hall Pass when Owen Wilson (who plays Rick in the movie) and Jason Sudeikis (who plays his best friend, Fred) go over pickup lines like, "You must be from Ireland because when I see you, my penis is Dublin," but less gross (and more inclusive!).
To help you get lucky on St. Patrick's Day, I put my stereotypically vague knowledge of the holiday to use. Luck of the Irish, top o' the morning, pot of gold, Guinness — everything I know about being Irish (which I am not) and celebrating St. Patrick's Day (which I sometimes do) is in these dirty texts that'll make you luckier than a four-leaf clover. Are you ready to paddy?
1. Let's make my ex green with envy tonight.
2. I'd love to get lucky with you.
3. I go down like Guinness — smooth and easy.
4. It's St. Patrick's Day, which means I'm about to make you say, "O'Yes."
5. Kiss me, I'm part-Irish. Want to know which parts?
6. Heard you're Irish and I've always wanted to see the luck of the Irish, if you know what I mean.
7. I've never found a four-leaf clover but I did find you so make me lucky?
8. Guess what we're going to do later tonight. Here's a hint — it rhymes with "luck."
9. Want to see my good luck charm?
10. Are you Irish? Because Irish cream is my favorite.
11. I'm going to shamrock your world tonight.
12. Happy St. Patrick's Day! Are you up for some shenanigans?
13. I don't know how to do an Irish jig but I know a few other moves we can try.
14. Shamrock me all night long.
15. Is there a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow?
16. This pitcher of green beer looks like you're getting lucky tonight.
17. If I don't wear green tonight, will you pinch me? If I do, can you pinch me anyway?
I think it's safe to say you're ready to have a shamrock-ing good time now. Before you run off to paint a shimmery four-leaf clover on your cheek for bae to kiss, there are a few more things you should know.
Firstly, you don't have to like beer to get in on the fun on St. Patrick's Day but if you do, make sure to call an Uber to pick you up at the end of the night instead of getting behind the wheel. Leprechauns might have magical powers but you do not.
Secondly, although you don't have to be Irish to celebrate, you should always be respectful of those who are and how they feel about the holiday. As fun as it is to drink green beer while coming up with witty St. Patrick's Day Instagram captions and punny sexts, it's important to remember that the holiday holds religious and cultural significance for others.
For every St. Patrick's Day reference you make this year, challenge yourself to learn one fact about the holiday! Like, did you know that St. Patrick was actually born in today's England around the year 390? After being held captive as a slave in Ireland between the ages of 16 and 22, he escaped only to return voluntarily as a Christian missionary. Later on, knights in the Order of St. Patrick wore blue, not green, to commemorate his life. The color green wasn't associated with St. Patrick's Day until the 18th century when Ireland used it to represent their fight for independence.
Lastly and most importantly, if you do meet someone who's Irish on St. Patrick's Day, don't forget to kiss them — after you ask if it's OK, of course.
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