Experts Settle The Debate: Should Charlotte Have Lent Carrie $30K?

Sex and the City gave us iconic looks, unforgettable one-liners, and some of TV’s most fiercely loyal friendships. And it continues to resonate with newer generations with the spinoff And Just Like That… (R.I.P.)

The original SATC also sparked debates that still get people heated today. Case in point: the infamous Season 4 episode “Ring a Ding Ding,” where Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) asks her friends to help her buy back her apartment.

After a breakup with ex-fiancé Aidan Shaw (John Corbett), Carrie finds herself in financial trouble in Episode 16. With no savings and a rejected bank loan, she turns to her inner circle for help covering a $30,000 down payment. Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), and even her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Big (Chris Noth), offer to chip in. But Charlotte York (Kristin Davis) stays silent. Eventually, she steps up — selling her engagement ring to help Carrie out — but not before a brutally honest argument. Her now-famous line: “It’s not my job to fix your finances. You’re a 35-year-old woman. You need to learn to stand on your own.”

But the question still haunts the group chat: Should Charlotte have lent Carrie the money? Or was she right to set a boundary?

To break it all down, Elite Daily spoke to three financial experts — Mandi Money, Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, and Aja Evans — via separate interviews about the episode, why friendships and money get so complicated, and what Gen Z can learn from Carrie’s financial meltdown.

Meet The Experts

Mandi Money

Mandi Woodruff (aka Mandi Money) is the host of the Brown Ambition podcast, which aims to help women build financial independence. Previously, Woodruff was the editor of Business Insider’s Your Money vertical and a personal finance writer at Yahoo Finance.

Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, LMSW

Lindsay Bryan-Podvin is a financial therapist and founder of Mind, Money, Balance, a financial therapy education business that emphasizes the emotional and psychological side of money, by checking in with patients’ thoughts and feelings before, during, and after analyzing the numbers part of money.

Aja Evans, LMHC

Aja Evans is a therapist, speaker, and consultant specializing in financial therapy. Apart from her practice, Evans is the author of the book Feel-Good Finance: Untangle Your Relationship with Money for Better Mental, Emotional, and Financial Well-Being.

What’s your take on Carrie and Charlotte’s argument?

Mandi Woodruff: It’s not that Carrie went to her friends and asked for help. Her actions said, “The help is money, and I need the money.” I don’t know that money was exactly what Carrie needed in that situation. Carrie needed a financial planner. Carrie needed a budget. Carrie needed someone to coach her on how to better monetize her skills as a writer and a columnist.

Lindsay Bryan-Podvin: The reason that particular episode is so tense, but hard for so many of us to pinpoint why, is that it brings all of the issues that we have about money, like shame, friendship dynamics, being judged, and unspoken expectations, to the surface. Money and friendship, especially the way that we talk about them in our culture, should always be separate, but it isn’t always true. Money and friendship can intersect, but they can also really go off the rails, especially when there aren’t crystal clear boundaries.

Aja Evans: The fact that Carrie recognized that she needed help and started to get honest with herself about money is one of the top things that people struggle with. I applaud Charlotte, too, for saying why she didn’t hop to give Carrie the money. Even though it was difficult, they did have a conversation about it.

An actual boundary is not to assume they can read your mind, which is what Carrie did.

Who was in the wrong?

MW: Carrie. The showrunners never really allowed her to be financially humbled. She couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t even take a bus. It’s embarrassing to see her struggle. Charlotte was well within her rights not to give her friend tens of thousands of dollars and suggest that they go to Barnes & Noble and pick up a financial self-help book instead. That would’ve been empowering, but that’s not how it played out on the show.

LBP: Carrie’s reaction wasn’t super fair, especially because many people offered her money. She turned down the offers from her other friends, but she was really upset with Charlotte for not offering. There’s so much confusion online today about what a boundary is, and this encapsulates how we misuse that word. An actual boundary is not to assume they can read your mind, which is what Carrie did. She assumed that Charlotte could read her mind. Without Carrie telling Charlotte that her feelings were hurt and she wanted Charlotte to show that she supported her, she kept it all in her head and then exploded.

AE: Carrie was in the wrong for expecting Charlotte to offer the money or being offended that she didn’t offer. I can understand her feelings, being a little hurt. What she did right was to go to Charlotte and tell her that her feelings were hurt after she didn’t offer when everyone else did.

Yes, it would’ve been kind for Charlotte to offer the money to Carrie, but if it didn’t feel right, that’s OK for Charlotte to say, “No, I just don’t feel comfortable doing this for you.” However, for Carrie to be furious at Charlotte for not doing it, almost as if she’s expected to do it because she’s in that position, is not fair.

If someone in Carrie’s situation reached out to you for help, what would you tell them?

MW: “I think you have time on your side. It may feel like the end of the world to not be able to purchase the dream apartment that you had your heart set on. It’s a great lesson to experience what it’s like to be financially insecure and to use that as the fuel in your engine to reach financial security and independence.”

LBP: I would unpack what their beliefs were about friendships and money. I would say something like, “It sounds to me like you believe that if your friends have something extra, you should be able to have access to it. Is that true?” I might go into, “Outside of the financial support, what are the things that you want your friends’ support on at the moment? Are there other ways your friends can support you? Could they maybe help you sell your designer shoes and get some money back?” If your friends are not gifting you this money, you need to be crystal clear about when you will pay them back, how much you will pay them back, and this must be in writing.

AE: I would say, “First, let’s process the feelings. You need to come up with this money, and you don’t have it. That’s financial stress 101, happening to you right now, and I’m sorry. What are we doing to take care of ourselves during that time?” Labeling the feeling and understanding where it’s coming from is very important. And then the next step is creating a plan to make sure that we’re coping with that stress.

If my client wanted to ask their friends, I would ask, “Are you prepared to potentially have to pay back this money to your friends? Are you prepared to honor their wishes in how they want to be paid back?” And then, “How are you going to feel around the potential awkwardness that could come up with it?” If somebody lends somebody else money, it’s almost like the person who owes the money is watching how they spend it.

What if they were in Charlotte’s shoes and asked for your advice?

MW: They have more flexibility in being able to help a friend financially. As long as it’s not jeopardizing their immediate needs and comfort, I feel like it could be even easier for them to say, “Yes, here’s what I can afford to give you.”

If their situation was like Charlotte’s, where they didn’t work for their wealth, then I could see myself sharing that wealth with my friends. What’s mine is yours; everyone can move in with me, let’s take full advantage. It might be a little bit easier. You have less to lose.

LBP: If you have more than enough and your friend is struggling, yes, you can offer them logistical help. You can offer them emotional help. And if it’s aligned with your values and you think it feels good, can you have a friend emergency fund? You could keep $500 there, $1,000 there, and if a friend is struggling, you can feel comfortable giving up to whatever’s in that account as a gift.

Be gentle with one another. If you find yourself getting upset or judging them, take a step back.

There are creative ways to support your friends. I would focus on, how we can preserve the friendship? And often that means clarity, transparency, and boundaries. You have to be clear about expectations.

AE: If you’re uncomfortable, do not do it. You are allowed to say no. You also need to prepare yourself for how your friend will react. So, if you already know they’re angry with you because you didn’t offer in the beginning, how are you going to be prepared when they’re mad at you? We would then go through it and dissect what’s happening for you emotionally, why it feels uncomfortable for you to lend it, and why it might feel uncomfortable for you to stick to your boundaries as well.

How can friends set financial boundaries?

MW: You have to be able to have tough conversations with your friend. Ask them: “Is this a one-time thing? How much am I willing to give? What feels right to me?” And it may not be what that friend is expecting, but it’s a good opportunity to, again, stand on business and stand firm on what works for you.

But it could get awkward if the friend who’s asking for money is upset or wants you to give more. And to that, I would say your 20s are also a time to weed out some friends who are not meant to last until your 30s, and this could be a way to slim the bench a little bit.

LBP: I would welcome friends to get comfortable being uncomfy again. That means not co-signing anything harmful, and trusting themselves enough to acknowledge their boundaries and voice when they’re uncomfortable or frustrated. That’s an important skill set to have.

But if you’re loaning a friend money, you need a signed contract and a notarized agreement, which sounds scary. But what would be even more terrifying is if you lose your friendship because you don’t have a clear agreement. Can you do something symbolic that reminds the two of you of your commitment to each other as friends after signing and getting a document notarized, like going for a walk through the farmers market together? There are ways to create a net, and it just depends on the person’s personality.

AE: If you are being asked for money, do not approach this as a joke or take advantage of your friend’s vulnerability. Everyone should have grace for each other. Everybody’s going to have different feelings that come up. If you find yourself getting upset or judging them, take a step back. If you are not comfortable potentially losing that money, then you probably shouldn’t do it.

Can friendships survive a wealth gap?

MW: What’s the core and foundation of your friendship? If their lifestyle doesn’t align with your values and your current life stage, then that’s a friendship that probably can’t last. It’s deeply uncomfortable to be the friend who feels they’re having to compromise their values and their finances to keep up with another friend. If that friend isn’t willing to meet you where you are, then that’s not a great friendship, and you may be better off.

LBP: As long as you’re open about the wealth gap, you absolutely can maintain it. It doesn’t mean it won’t feel weird or uncomfortable sometimes, but it’s also essential, especially for younger generations, to get comfortable tolerating discomfort. If you care about this person and they care about you, trust yourselves enough to be able to say, “I can have an uncomfy conversation and we can get through it.”

AE: If you feel bad that you can’t afford the same luxuries as your friend, it will be very difficult if you don’t talk about it. But if you propose more affordable options and your friend is game to meet you in the middle, you’re set.

And whenever your friend wants to be generous, they’re allowed to be generous. But you’re not expecting them to be generous. You’re not signing up for things, hoping and wishing that they’re going to pay, and then being angry if they don’t.

Interviews were conducted separately and have been edited and condensed for clarity.