I'm A Lesbian And I Never Watch Lesbian Porn

The first time I ever thought about lesbian sex was when I watched lesbian porn. I was probably 10 years old. I already had an idea about what sex was (many thanks to my older sister's Cosmo subscription), but not so much about lesbian sex.

In fact, I didn't know much about lesbians at all, other than this one babe who wore combat boots and was a chef at my parent's favorite restaurant who was apparently a lesbian. I thought she was so cool and didn't seem to do dumb shit like bat her eyelashes at gross old men like all the other women who wined and dined in the exclusive Hamptons restaurant circuit did.

I knew she dated girls or whatever, but I hadn't thought too much about her actually having sex with girls. I mean, I was 10. I was only just starting to come into my own pervyness.

The summer between fourth and fifth grade, I was in this new groove where I would stay up late and flick through the "adult" channels after my family had gone to bed. Honestly, this was the peak of my sex education, which is scary in retrospect. Because everything I learned about sex, I learned from watching fake tits and shaved male chests get it on in porn.

And I think that's true for most Millennials who came of age during the Bush Administration, a dark time when sex education was literally nonexistent in schools. No wonder we all have eating disorders and unrealistic expectations about what sex is like. We graduated from the elitist University of Internet Pornography.

I found most of the porn I watched to be a combination of eerily repulsive and wildly fascinating. I wasn't sure if I felt sick from it, or turned the hell on.

Well, one night as I was secretly perving out on the basement couch watching some 90s porno on the late night cable network, I saw two girls going at it. Twenty years later, the visual is still as clear as day in my mind's eye. It's one of those things you can never un-see, like your boyfriend or girlfriend's sext to someone else when you go through their phone deep into the night.

Both girls had acid-bleached blonde hair down to their pointy hips (heroin chic was all the rage back then). They were wearing matching over-the-knee, white, faux leather combat boots that I, even at 10, knew were cheap shit that probably smelled like sweaty plastic. They were moaning outrageously, and one kept spanking the other with black leather riding crop, punishing her for being a "bad student."

Was I turned on? Did I have a groundbreaking ~sexual awakening~ the first time I was exposed to "lesbian sex"?

No. I found the whole charade hilarious. These two over-the-top women were rubbing their silicone boobs up against one another and squealing in these nasal baby voices. It just looked like a lot of pancake makeup and sounded like a lot of irritatingly high-pitched cooing. It reminded me of two fake acrylic nails scratching up against a chalkboard. Sort of pretty in an overtly fake way, but so annoying you have to cover your ears and run away because it makes you feel so weird.

"Well, if this is lesbian sex, I'm certainly NOT a lesbian!" I smugly thought to myself, taking a deep sigh of relief and retiring to my pink, frilly Laura Ashley bedroom. I slept soundly that night. More soundly than I had slept in months.

I was full of anxiety as a kid. First, I had convinced myself that I had AIDS from masturbating, and once that was cleared up, I had a sinking fear that I was a lesbian. I had a big crush on Clarissa from "Clarissa Explains It All," and I was pretty sure it wasn't a "friend crush" because I fantasized about kicking her creepy dude friend off the latter and sneaking up into her bedroom to kiss her instead.

But hey! I had watched lesbian sex and found it not hot, but funny, so all was right with the world! I was safely a straight child of Jesus now. I would go to heaven and bat my lashes in the Hamptons and marry a man with a shiny, red car like all the other good Christian women (even though I was a little Jew kid, I had this weird obsession with being Christian).

Cut to, oh, let's say 5, maybe 6 years later, and I'm finding myself not just having regular sex, but scissoring (advanced, I know!) with a 17-year-old girl in the guest room of my parent's house during a raucous house party I threw because they were away in Mexico.

And I'm not staring at the cracks in the ceiling praying for whole thing to be over like I did when I gave my ex-boyfriend a hand job. No babes, I'm super, super, super into it. Like, fervently into it, and I don't want it to ever stop like ever.

So I guess, unlike my little 10-year-old self thought, I was a lesbian who was not destined to be a straight child of Jesus. But luckily, by that point, I didn't fucking care. I mean, I was worried about coming out, but I was a goth alt teen, so I thought it was kind of cool to be a lesbian. I found straight men pretty irrelevant anyway, much preferring the company of funny gay boys and girls.

Thus began me revisiting the world of lesbian porn. I wanted to ~explore~ my sexuality, and since scandalous low-key girl-on-girl hookups were an increasingly rare event in my teenage life, I thought porn would be the next best thing!

I went to one of those porn sites and looked up some dyke porn, hoping to learn a thing or two. Then, I would move to San Francisco or LA after high school and be, like, a lesbian sex expert because I had watched so much lesbian porn. All would go according to plan.

HA! The porn I found was the same bullshit I had watched at 10 years old. And now that I had experienced real lesbian sex (albeit only a few times), it was even more hilarious. Two really cartoonishly femme girls making baby sounds while theatrically going down on each other? Where were the sex eyes and the swag and the intimacy and the power dynamics?

What I love the most about real lesbian sex is that even though it's two women, a power dynamic still exists. Only it's so sexy because it's more complicated than just you're a TOP because you're a MALE and you're a bottom because you're a FEMALE.

Even if it's fluid between the couple, one woman will take on a dominant role and another woman will take on a more submissive role. It's sexy to be thrown down on a bed by a woman who is close to your size. She's not throwing you down because she feels like she has to since she's a guy and has muscles and society told her that's what men do. She's doing it because she WANTS you so bad, and it's such a raw, authentic feeling that throwing you on the bed is just irrepressible.

And never have I EVER had sex with a woman who makes all those baby-sounding Kardashian girl moans (and I've been around the block, babes). Nor have I ever jiggled my tasseled boobs up against another tasseled-boobed girl.

Those things exist in lesbian porn because those are things that men find attractive. Lesbian porn is designed for men.

The girls in lesbian porn don't objectify each other because they actually want each other; they do it because they're performing for a male audience. And when you've been on the real end of lesbian sex, the whole show is just funny. It's probably like watching an overdone Shakespeare performance at a community theatre in Paramus, New Jersey when you played Juliet in a classic British theatre.

The women in lesbian porn are entirely the types of women that men find sexy. Big-lipped, bleached blondes who pretend to be dumb and doe-eyed. I would rather screw a dude than screw a girl who looks like a Barbie doll. (OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get the point!)

When I do watch porn, which is rare, I watch straight porn. Because it's got more of a real power dynamic, and real power dynamics are what gets this girl hot and bothered. Yes, I do get grossed out by the body parts of a man, but I can get lost in the heat of a woman being sexualized and dominated in a real way. That's what's missing for me in lesbian porn. Real domination. Performance domination doesn't get me excited.

I like strong women who are smart and witty and ew, don't ever come at me with a baby voice, girl (which I know you would NEVER). To be honest, I just like real queer girls. Queer girls have a sex appeal that's so intoxicating because they don't give a shit about pleasing men. They exude a confidence and own their incredible power because they're not worried about threatening a man, let alone performing for one.