Guile Faingold

A Lesbian's Theory On Why More People Are Engaging In Same-Sex Hookups


So apparently, "straight" people are getting down (and DIRTY) with same-sex sex.

According to a new study from the "Archives of Sexual Behavior," the percentage of Americans who approve of same-sex sex has risen from a meek 13 percent in 1990 to a whopping 49 percent in 2014. That's some progress, baby. And progress is sexy. Purrr.

And while the acceptance of same-sex sex has gone up an impressive 44 percent among men, it's gone up an even more impressive 54 percent among the ladies. But I mean, come on. Let's not feign surprise here, kittens. Women have always been a far more evolved species than men, especially when it comes to matters of the bedroom.

Did you also know that the percentage of women who have had lesbian sex with at least one other woman has more than doubled between the early 1990s and the 2010s? That's right girlies, your number has gone up 3.6 to 8.7 percent, according to the researchers.

But boys -- your lovely little same-sex hookup number is up as well. I hate to alienate straight men, so thank God we're all in this together. You little tramps are up 4.5 to 8.2 percent. Not quite as good as the girls, but alas, boys never really are. It's OK, you'll catch up in due time. I believe in you.

And no, it's not just because more people are gay, you cynical little buzzkill. The increase in same-sex sexual relations has been entirely driven by people who had both boy and girl partners. Us gays, well, our number has stayed consistent over time because we've consistently been having a ton of mind-blowing sex with each other since the beginning of time (more on that later).

Truth be told, I'm not even slightly surprised by this study. As a long time lesbian I've experienced this scene a slew of times on "straight girls night out":

"If I was a leezzzzbiannnn, would I be your type?" the most conservative girl of the bunch will ask me after inhaling her third martini.

She will bat her mascara-laden eyes right at me, lean up against the bar, light up a ciggie and give me one of those drunken straight girl "come hither" looks (I'm not making fun, I think it's cute!).

I'll usually tell her I think she's "beautiful, but I'm seeing someone," whether I'm actually seeing someone or not. Because I've been down this road before, and let me tell you that road is paved with complicated bricks.

If she's batting her eyes at you after the third martini, well, then she's gyrating all over you after the fourth martini. And by the fifth, well, she's pulled you into the bathroom, has you pressed up against the wall and is attempting to stick her tongue down your throat.

Look, I'm not talking shit. I've had a straight girl romp or two in my day, and it's not really my thing anymore. But I still find it endearing.

And who can blame a girl for her curiosity? I'm a curious creature myself, so I totally get it. And really, let's not be sexist. Who can blame a boy for being curious about hooking up with another boy? They do say gay men are particularly talented lovers (and by "talented lovers," I mean they give great head).

Here are my personal theories as to why the numbers of "straight," same-sex hookups have soared through the roof in the past decade:

1. "The L Word" and other hot gay shows.

There is so much media out there depicting hot gay sex these days, it's no wonder the straighties are getting all riled up.

About ten years ago, I was watching The L Word (that show is responsible for a whole generation of women going gay) with my lovely mother. Not a wise choice, but I had no idea how much lesbian sex was going to be in that show.

The episode was a typical passionate lesbian love drama until BAM, the two lead characters are scissoring right there in the kitchen. Two women becoming one with the pots and pans. I could feel my cheeks burning. There is nothing worse than being stuck watching a sex scene with your parents.

"Well, even I could get into THAT, CHRIST!" mother darling clipped, taking a prim sip of her Earl Gray tea.

When your mother, who has been living a steadfast hetero lifestyle for 60-something years, is getting turned on by a lesbian sex scene, can you imagine what it's doing to the 22 year olds who haven't been corrupted by dick for that long? It has to be driving them wild.

Oh, and I watch the gay boy shows, too. Don't think for a second that some of those hot scenes in HBO's "Looking" haven't confused me a couple of times. No one is safe from getting turned on by the hot homo sex scenes in the media.

2. Gay sex is just better.

I know. "Gay people have better sex" is a sweeping generalization, but I've already thrown myself under the bus a few times here, so what's the point in pretending to be prim? But here is the truth.

I'm a girl, so I know exactly what a girl likes. This makes me a more superior lover to women than men. And same goes for gay men. End of story. And who doesn't want to experience the cream of the sexual crop, at least once? I mean, argue me all you want, but I have research backing me up here.

3. Society accepts our curiosity.

We are all naturally curious creatures. And since homosexual sex is no longer so sorely stigmatized, we're starting to listen to our curiosity more and more.

How can we pretend none of us haven't ever thought about sex with all the genders? At least entertained the idea once or twice? Wondered, "hmmm what would that be like?"

I used to wonder what it would be like with men. I tried it. It wasn't for me, but I'm going to lie and pretend my virgin mind never thought about it. We've all thought about everything dirty. We're all sinful animals overcome with sinful thoughts.

But rather than stuffing down our deeply rooted desires, we're starting to act them out. Which is healthy. Repressed desires are not good for one's health. And I want you to be healthy, because I don't know you but I love you, because you made it this far into the article.

If you're a straight girl hooking up with a lesbian, as long as you let that lez know you're just experimenting and don't play games that cause her to fall in love with you, then you GO AHEAD girl.

And the gay men I know are always super down for a straight boy hookup, so boys, I don't think you have to worry so much about their feelings. But lesbians can get attached quickly, so just make sure you lay it out there.

4. We're an open culture.

Let's be real. We've all been hooking up with all genders like wild animals since the earth first ignited.

You better believe old Bettie and Tina in 1952 used to do more than just "drink martinis" when their hubbies were away on business. They just kept quiet about it. They didn't want to be alienated in the community and risk not being invited to the neighborhood tupperware parties, so they just hooked up secretly.

We don't have to swallow secrets anymore. So we're fessin' up. We like to hook up with the same gender and we're going to gab to anyone who will listen about it. We will tweet about it. We will talk about it. We will fucking Instagram that shit.

5. We accept that sexuality is a spectrum.

Sexuality isn't black and white. And we're finally, finally accepting that. Sexuality is a gorgeous, sparkling, rainbow spectrum, baby dolls. If one day we wake up and are attracted to a boy we go for it.

Because labels only matter when it comes to my vintage Chanel collection. That's the only label that's relevant because when I sell that shit on eBay, that label better be intact if I want to get $1200 for it. And I live in Manhattan so I need all the money I can get.

But sexuality? Nah, who cares. Just do what you feel and be who you are and shamelessly hookup with anyone you want.

Ohhh, it's good to be a modern woman sometimes, huh?

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Citations: Acceptance of Gays and Lesbians Is at a Record High in the U.S. (Pacific Standard)