"Zara, you're a f*cking man-hating, goddamn lesbian BITCH!"
I hear you shouting at me through the static screen of my laptop! And look, I get it. I'm setting myself up for this. I'm about to make a sweeping generalization.
But honestly, this article isn't about hating men. I mean, I hate some men (cough, Ted Cruz, cough), but I don't hate all men. This little rant is just pointing out all the times CERTAIN men, have made me feel, just, well, BLESSED to be a lez.
And in a world where us queer folk are forever battling incessant hatred, death threats, discrimination and endless hardship, let me have my sweet moment. Plus, let's get real: If you're a dude and you're finding yourself outrageously offended by all this, chances are you're a douchebag guilty of doing all the sh*t I'm writing about in this article, and it's all just hitting a little too close to home.
Because herein lies the truth: There are several times through out the day that I quietly whisper to myself, "Thank god I don't have to sleep with one of these vile creatures." I will usually then turn to the straight woman to my left and ask "How the hell do you sleep with these vile creatures?" to which she will almost always shake her head, look me dead in the eye and reply, "I have no f*cking idea."
Again, to my KIND, delicate boy creatures, this is not directed toward you. This is only directed toward sh*tty men. I have lots of male friends. (Most of them happen to be gay, but whatever! Gay men are men too!).
Also, it goes both ways. Do you know how many times a crazy, stalker-ish, hyper-intense lesbian has made me think, "F*ck, I wish I wasn't so attracted to these melodramatic, complicated-yet-gorgeous creatures. Why can't I be straight?!"
However, this is a fleeting moment because it's almost always followed by an action from a MAN that circles me right back to being filled with gratitude for my gayness.
Here are all the times men made me thankful to be a lesbian.
1. When I read comments on the Internet
Look, I've definitely received a healthy smattering of bully-ish comments from girls, but it's SMALL POTATOES compared to the cruel, sometimes terrifying threats and daily sexual harassment my female writers' and I receive from men. Every. Single. Day.
Are we writing evil, viscous essays plotting the death of helpless, innocent animals? No. We're simply women with opinions about sex, love and politics. God forbid we have opinions beyond traditional mommy-hood and floral arrangements!
Just yesterday Gigi Engle, Sheena Sharma and I received this lovely, sweet bit of feedback after Gigi controversially commented "You girls are awesome" on a video the two of us made. Surely we deserved this:
"You, are hilarity posing as self important twenty something std twat swappers, encapsulated. Find Jesus, repent from your satanical secular pursuits and disgusting dirty devilish debauchery. Oh, and wash & douche your sperm crusted vaginas. Eww. Your fathers must be real proud."
For the record, not only has my vagina not ever been "encrusted with sperm," but also my father is super proud of the work I do. And I think the better question is, is YOUR mother proud of you, kind sir?
This was quickly followed by another comment from a man who felt deeply compelled to bestow me with the following words wisdom:
"You are a pathetic delusional loser who clearly need therapy. Amazing."
I've been in therapy for a decade, but thanks dude!
My last scan of the page was a sweet and subtle:
"Take off your clothes and let me jadge"
Yup, I'll let you "jadge" me anytime.
And this is just halfway through a Wednesday.
2. When a straight friend tells me her boyfriend won't give her oral sex
I recently had a dear friend confess to me that her boyfriend of over a year doesn't go down on her, nor has he given her an orgasm. And you wanna know the kicker? He doesn't seem to care. He's never once asked her if she came after sex.
I've been sleeping with women for over a decade. Some have been wonderful, amazing women, while others have been total f*ckgirls. Regardless, they've all gone down on me, and if they haven't made me come, they've been deeply concerned and invested in my orgasm.
3. When I'm made to feel dumb when I ask a question a male higher-up can't answer
I will never forget the first time I discovered the male ego in the work place. I was 19 years old and working at trendy West Hollywood boutique. The manager was a total wannabe actor f*ckboy with an ego as fragile as shattered glass.
It was my first day, and I simply asked him a question about customer policy regarding returns.
"Zara you're just thinking too hard about it," he non-answered, going back to pretending to furiously text on his phone.
"Hm, I just really need to know the return policy so I can help this customer out."
"Zara, it's all fine, just don't overthink it. I know it's YOUR FIRST DAY AND YOU'RE YOUNG, BUT YOU WILL GET IT," he loudly proclaimed, as he spoke in circles while attempting to make me feel like a f*cking idiot for asking a question he DIDN'T KNOW the answer to.
Meanwhile, the poor customer left the shop, irritated, and gave us a scathing review on Yelp.
What is wrong with certain men that they can't just admit they DON'T KNOW and ask someone who DOES KNOW for an answer? This pattern has repeated itself through out my entire career, whether it's taken place in a fashion showroom or a corporate board room.
Men, it's OK to say you don't know the answer. It's also OK if your female co-worker DOES KNOW the answer. The entire business suffers when you let your ego run the race.
4. When I'm asked if I'm "on my period" after expressing an emotion
Recently I was watching the heartbreaking Amy Winehouse documentary with a group of friends when a fratty-looking bro turned to me, laughed and said: "Ha, you're crying. You on your period?"
Really, dude? I wasn't dry heaving or punching walls in an irrational fit of rage. A lone tear had made its way down my face as I watched the tragic downfall and sudden death of one of the most talented young women of our generation. Why aren't you crying, you f*cking sociopath?
5. When I'm asked if I'm gay because I have "daddy issues"
No, I don't have "daddy issues." I just really, genuinely am appalled by the idea of dick.
A man's foot is just not a pretty sight for anyone. Every time I get a glance at the hairy fat toe of a man in open-toed shoes, I am filled with great sweeps of joy that I never have look at one up close.
7. When I'm called "intense" for having an opinion
About a year and some change ago, I was at a dinner party in a posh restaurant in Florida. The men were all dressed in navy suits, and the women were all adorned in gorgeous cocktail dresses. The men in the navy suits began discussing a current political issue, one that affects our entire country and, in particular, women.
The men had been yelling their opinions back and forth so loudly that the people in the restaurant were starting to stare. When I calmly stated my opinion (I mean, it's a group dinner, shouldn't we all speak up?) that differed from theirs, I watched beads of sweat collectively manifest on their foreheads.
The leader of the group, an adult f*ckboy who looked like his fat head had been overstuffed into his collared shirt, looked at me for about five seconds before saying:
"Wow, Zara. You're, like, a REALLY intense girl, huh?"
Later that night, his wife actually texted me: "Alex* likes you but thinks you're like super INTENSE!"
Men will always call you "intense" or "difficult" or "complicated" anytime you speak up. Just remember, political discussion isn't just for boys. Whether you're a Democrat, Republican, Socialist, Independent or anarchist, speak your glorious mind, darling. If having an opinion makes you "intense," then stay "intense."
8. Donald Trump
Every time I look at that bloated, misogynistic HATEFUL face, I thank the sweet Lord AND Baby Jesus that I get to make sweet, sweet love to women and only women.
9. When men feel the need to insert their "expert opinions"
Look, I don't know sh*t about sports, real estate or technology, and I suck at giving directions. Never in my life will I interject my opinion on any of those subject matters.
However, some men seem to think they're experts at everything.
"Hey, girl, you're beautiful -- but that outfit you're wearing really doesn't flatter you," a guy wearing a f*cking wallet chain once said to me at a bar at 2 am.
Not only did I NOT ask you for your perspective, but what makes you think you know anything about style? You're wearing a wallet chain, dickhead.
10. When they try to put their laws on my body
I'm sorry, but you have no idea what it's like to be f*cking pregnant. Until you know what it feels like to be forced to carry a child for 9 months, keep your laws off a woman's body, thank you very much.