12 Lesbian Sex Questions You've Had But Have Been Too Afraid To Ask

by Zara Barrie

Hey, perplexed "straight" girl. Greetings, curious straight boy. Welcome, my lovely closeted queer girl (it gets better, I promise). Haaaay, newly out-of-the-closet lesbian who’s curious as to how it all works (I was you not so long ago).

I see you. I'm here to offer a warm welcome to everyone who’s curious about queer girl love and sex.

I'm not claiming to be some sort of dyke authority. I'm not a founding member of The Justice League of Lesbians. I'm not a descendant of Sappho, Greek Goddess of all the lesbians in the sweet land.

I'm just an out-and-proud queer little Jewish girl who is happy to share her own experiences in the hopes that it will answer some questions you have.

Some people in my community don't believe in talking about queer sex with straight people. They like to keep what we do between the sheets a sacred secret, safe and locked away in the elusive LGBTQ+ underworld.

Which is totally fine. If your prerogative is to keep your sex life a secret, you go.

But it's not mine. I was born an open book.

And I'm not ashamed for having sex and falling in love with my fellow girl creatures. In fact, I would love nothing more than to shout my irrepressible lust for girls from the highest rooftops in Manhattan.

I'm the sort of lesbian who will passionately kiss my girlfriend at 2 am smack in the middle of the straight bar without apology, without holding back, without giving a f*ck about the sea of gawking eyes.

Gawk away, darlings. I don't care.

Because I think all of human sexuality is fascinating subject matter worthy of both celebration and conversation! I personally want to know how all of you do it. Whether you're a gay boy, a trans-guy, a straight man or a sexually fluid girl -- tell me how you like to f*ck.

It's recently come to my attention that a lot of my non-lesbian friends have been burning with questions about queer girl sex. Two martinis in, during a glitzy night out in lower Manhattan, everyone’s questions seamlessly poured in, like wine in a stem glass.

I was enthused to answer their questions, regardless of how graphic or silly they seemed (after all, there are NO stupid questions, especially when it comes to sex).

"Why didn't you ask me these questions before?" I slurred to my friends, now three drinks deep.

"We didn't want to offend you," my friends slurred back, also now three drinks deep.

I get being embarrassed, but no one is born knowing how all of this stuff works! I learned everything I needed to know about lesbian sex through trial and error! I would have LOVED to have had a more experienced lesbian break it all down for me, but I, too, was ashamed to ask questions.

It's 2015. Why are we still steeped in shame about sex? I say f*ck it. Lez talk about it.

I sent out an anonymous survey to a diverse group of Millennials (aged 18 to 34) who swing every which way on the sexuality pendulum. I asked them for all the questions they've ever had about lesbian sex but have been too afraid to ask. And, holy hell, did they have questions.

And, hey, if you have had different experiences, awesome! Comment! Write to me! Write about your experiences. I’m all about creating an OPEN dialogue lovelies. These are just my answers.

1. What even counts as sex in the lesbian community?

Oh, kittens. Let us begin with the age-old question. What the f*ck is lesbian sex?

Is it oral sex? Is it scissoring? Dry-humping? Fingering? Banging with a strap-on?

Why do I all of a sudden feel like this is a dark version of lesbian "Jeopardy"?

To be honest, you could ask six different lesbians what lesbian sex is and get six different answers. My friend Jackie says penetration (fingers or dildo). Sally told me via text message that it's when her girlfriend sits on her face. Lisa wisely said, "You'll know when you have it."

I say it's anytime either my girl and/or I have a glorious orgasm.

2. How is using a dildo with a female partner different than f*cking a dude?

I get it. You're sorely flummoxed. And that's quite okay, sweet kittens. Nobody gets handed a guidebook at birth, acutely explaining the sexual prowess of lesbian sex.

I've heard it a million times: If you're f*cking a girl with a strap-on, why not just “use the real thing” and f*ck a dude? It's about time I set the record straight (er, you know what I mean).

I'm attracted to a woman's body. Her smell. The very essence of a woman drives me wild and leaves me TEEMING with relentless desire.

Think about it. Men and women have vastly different bodies. They kiss differently. They taste differently. They just f*cking move differently.

For instance, a man's hairy chest just doesn't quite do it for me. The thought of running my fingers through a jungle of wiry hair makes me dry heave. No disrespect.

A woman's chest, on the contrary, turns me on like a hot mid-summer night in Brooklyn.

However, that's not to say that a little penetration with a pretty little sex toy doesn't feel amazing when it rubs against my G-spot. I just don't want it from boy creature body parts.

In simple terms: I don't want a dick. A dildo isn't a dick.

3. How does the lack of literal physical connection, AKA a dick inside a vagina, impact the emotional connection?

Before I crossed over to the other side and realized I'm not indeed bisexual and am a full blast lez, I had sex with men (it’s true, kittens).

For me, sex with women has a much more intense physical connection than it does with men. After all, a girl doesn't have a dick she can mindlessly stick inside of you. A girl has to work a little harder. You get up close and personal during girl-on-girl sex.

And, in turn, the emotional connection during sex is stretched to new heights because you're exploring each other's bodies with hands and mouths.

It's a very, um, hands-on experience, if you catch my drift.

4. What exactly is scissoring?!?

Oh, the wonderful, glorious, complicated art of scissoring. According to our trusty Urban Dictionary, scissoring is as follows:

A lesbian sex act [in which] two partners interlock their spread legs (like two pairs of scissors) and grind their vulvae together to stimulate each other's clitorises to orgasm. Also called tribadism, the practice has many colloquialisms. In some Central American countries, it is called "making tortillas," and the Chinese refer to the act as "polishing mirrors."

So, in a nutshell, scissoring is when you rub vulva up against vulva. Yes, it can be tricky. I've been kicked in the head a few times in the act.

No, not all lesbians scissor, and it's definitely not the only way we have sex. There are many ways we have sex.

However, when you get in the right scissoring groove and are moving cohesively with your partner, scissoring is f*cking HOT.

I hear lesbians say all the time that "scissoring isn't a thing," but for me, it's most definitely a thing, a thing I like a lot.

It's worth the occasional awkward foot in the face, as far as I'm concerned. Girl-on-girl cultural website Autostraddle has created a great guide on scissoring that I highly recommend.

But, just like straight people, we all have the positions we prefer.

5. Are there gender roles? Does one partner conform to a more stereotypically female role and the other to a male one, or is it just dependent on the relationship?

Ooh, this is delicate. Very, very, very delicate.

I would say it depends on the couple. There are definitely some relationships in which one woman takes on the more masculine role and one woman takes on a more feminine role. Definitely.

You might have overheard the terms "butch" (referring to masculine women) and "femme" (referring to feminine women). Or "pumps" and "pants." Or "studs" and "lipsticks." Or "tops" and "bottoms" (that's a term not just for the gay boys, sweet peas).

This masculine/feminine dynamic can occur in a lesbian relationship. Some women feel more comfortable taking on traditional male roles, and some women feel more comfortable taking on traditional female roles.

In some relationships, it simply shifts according to whatever is your personal strength.

For instance, I love to decorate a home. I like to buy fresh flowers. Both of these are considered traditionally "feminine" qualities.

But I can shift into male roles too. I like to take control of the date, choose the restaurant and order the f*cking wine.

The gender roles are fluid, which I think is pretty awesome. There isn't pressure to conform. You can just play to your strengths.

6. Who gets to O first?


7. Is your partner more intuitive to know how to get you to orgasm given they have the same parts? Or do her own preferences get in the way?

I find women to be incredibly selfless lovers. We, indeed, are very intuitive at giving orgasms because we know what women like in a way men can't understand. So girl, cross over to the dark side.

8. Do you enjoy lesbian porn?

No. I find lesbian porn hilarious and not even slightly representative of real lesbian sex (sorry to crush any fantasies, ladies and gents).

In fact, I've come to find in my searching that the most avid watchers of lesbian porn are heterosexual women. Interesting, eh?

9. Do lesbians wear sexy lingerie? Or is there more of a feeling of "I'm a chick. You're a chick. We both know we want to just wear gross sweats and stuff”?

Some lesbians wear sports bras. Some wear padded push up bras. Some don't wear a bra. It's very lesbian-to-lesbian.

But I will say one thing: We strive to turn our partners on just as much as any straight girl. I've never thought, "Oh, we're both chicks, so I'm going to just not make an effort." Hell no. I want to be the sexiest, most dangerous cat on the block for my partner.

And this lesbian is all about the lingerie.

10. How does one of you chill the other the f*ck out? In my experience, girls constantly need to be chilled out, and I can't imagine how that would work if there are two of you. Do the two of you cry all the time, nonstop?

A lesbian relationship can be intense as all hell. We girl creatures are beautifully complicated. We're direct in our demands. We feel things. We can't and (don't care to) suppress our vast array of emotions.

Girl romance can result in a wild whirlwind of feelings. But to be honest, I enjoy the dangerous hurricane. It makes me feel alive.

Plus, the insane connection and crazy passion results in mind-blowing, backscratching, hair-pulling SEX. And the occasional fight is so worth the hottest makeup sex.

As for the crying: Well, all we do is cry, pet our adopted cats and dream of a relaxing weekend spent mowing the lawn (if you don't know I'm kidding, I'm worried about you).

11. What do you guys do about LONG FINGERNAILS during fingering?! (AKA any straight woman's worst fucking nightmare)

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? SINGLE.

We tend to cut our nails short and keep them that way. Though if you're a fashion femme (like myself) and your partner doesn't like you to penetrate her with your fingers, you can keep them long and glam. You just have to make sure you're using the outside of your finger when stimulating your partner's clit.

12. What’s your number-one decision maker in trying to tell if a girl is gay or not?

I was born with excellent gay-dar. However, even I have been sorely mistaken from time to time. Girl, when in doubt, just ask!