I came out to my mother about eight years ago over champagne at a chic little Italian bistro in Sarasota, Florida. After dramatically swigging back the rest of her drink, she looked me dead in the eye and told me she was totally "cool" about my homo-ness and that she wanted to meet my girlfriend.
After dinner we went to the theater, saw some musical about a dysfunctional family and the rest is history, baby. Both of my parents are open, loving and accepting of me and my sexuality (well, sometimes they're a understandably a little bit questionable of my life choices, but the girl-on-girl part they're super down with).
I was pretty sure I won the jackpot in the gay-friendly parent department. I show off about it all the time and incessantly whore them out to my friends who don't have such accepting parents. I mean, the last time my parents were in Manhattan they stayed out at the Stonewall Inn (the most legendary gay bar in AMERICA, duh) until 3 am with me. My mother was dancing with drag queens and flirting with lesbians like a pro.
So yeah, I have the GAYEST parents in the world and I thought I would never be beat (it's all I have going for me).
But now I'm pissed. See, I just caught wind of Kinsey:
Kinsey is a 17 year old from New Jersey whose parents threw her a "coming out" party, complete with full-throttle rainbow decor. Yeah, all I got was a "I'm cool with it" and this teen sensation gets a rainbow PARTY?
Oh yeah, and I'm really bitter because she also came out on social media, which makes her super hip and young and makes me feel super ancient and lame because I came out the old-fashioned, verbal way (I have age issues, on top of everything). ALSO SHE LOOKS FIERCE AF IN THAT FLANNEL ATTIRE.
Anyway her parents said they were throwing her a Fourth of July party (annoying as well, because my British mother doesn't even know how to spell "barbecue") and surprised her with a "coming out" party because they're so supportive of her gayness and wanted to her to know how much they love her.
Here is why I'm seething with jealousy over this chick. She has a total socialite name (like Tinsley Mortimer, but even better), she gets to be an OUT gay teen and her parents threw her a coming out party, which is practically a queer urban legend.
And she's already a goddamn celesbian (celebrity/lesbian) before the age of 18 and I've been working to be a celesbian tirelessly with zero success for the last decade (follow me on Instagram and validate me. I'm tired and old and I need it). Also she's cool and smart. She told Buzzfeed,
Yes, it's made Twitter people happy and it's made twits like me very jelly, but that's only because it's so awesome and I'm not evolved enough yet to feel authentically happy for other people's triumphs. But hey, I'm working on it.
Kinsey also said,
In all truth, she has made my gay bitter heart a little bit happier on this dull, rainy day. Our community needs endless positivity right now. She's become a viral internet sensation and it looks like she's got the gay sass to maintain her celeb status.
If she were legal, she would totally have bottle service at every lesbian bar in Manhattan this weekend. Oh, the things she has to look forward to. Bottle service, internet fame and a loving fam. It's what gay dreams are made of.