Dick-shaped foods are everywhere. And it certainly doesn't help that they're delicious either.
You don't need to have a dirty mind to glance up at work, witness your co-worker deep-throating a banana and have your brain just implode.
And there's nothing worse than making deep, deep eye contact with someone, whether a stranger, a friend or your elderly grandmother, as they're shoving some type of phallic food into the gaping hole in their face.
I have certainly never wanted to see what you look like as you give a sloppy blowjob, and I am not asking now.
And let me tell you, it's not just your garden variety of breakfast fruits that happen to grow up looking oddly similar to the appendage dangling between gentlemen's legs (veins not included).
Below, you'll find a list of 8 foods you most definitely should not consume while making eye contact with someone else.
In fact, don't even be in their presence. Lock yourself in a room, wipe off your mouth and come out when you're finished, you animal, you.
The OG of penis foods.
Not only does it have a nice curvature to it, like any regular ol' dong would, but it can also be twice the size of any average member.
If you find yourself regularly inhaling whole bananas, bless your heart. You'll make some man really happy one day.
2. Hot dogs
I mean, c'mon now. A hot dog, typically extremely girthy in size, is literally referred to as a wiener.
And I'm usually more intimidated by the number of condiments coming toward my face than I am by any penis.
Sucking on a popsicle is never not a race against time, forcing you to gag your way to completion before your hands are covered in sticky, flavored goodness.
Don't make me remind you to lick the sides!
Brother to the infamous hot dog, a corndog is simply a meat stick covered in fried dough, meant for you to bob your head on.
Don't let that darkened cornmeal coat fool you — we know what's hiding under there.
There's no need to be ashamed; some people just have a knack for sticking extra-long objects in their mouths.
Here, we have a sweet treat that we used to savor as innocent, little children.
Unbeknown to us, any time you have your lips wrapped around a shiny lollipop, odds are, your cheeks are puckered in a way that looks pretty similar to when you're giving good head.
If anything, Blow Pops and Tootsie Pops' motto of sucking 'til you get to the center have been preparing us ("us" being women and gays) for the job part of a blowjob.
Just don't give into the temptation of using your teeth.
6. Foot-long sandwiches
Crafting your own foot-long sandwich is an experience I will savor for years to come.
I could never pass up the opportunity to shove some quality Italian meats in my mouth, especially when they come in the form of hard salami and spicy pepperoni slices.
Also, if you're bored, the long, hoagie bread shape is inherently optimal for laying your dick between.
Try it, I dare ya.
7. Candy canes
The holiday season is the best time for you to be a ho, ho, ho, courtesy of candy canes.
The only way to enjoy that swirled up peppermint stick is with repeated mouth movements, only further encouraging some subtle blowjob practice, even at a young age.
Move over, cookies and milk. Santa has a new favorite snack.
And yes, I know what you're thinking: Santa is real.
Andouille! Chorizo! Bratwurst! Kielbasa!
The final "member" to hit this list is the sausage, which comes in all different shapes and sizes all over the world.
Spicy or sweet, they're all suitable enough to munch on as a suitable penis substitute. Could that be any more appropriate?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go gorge on one of each of these things and live my best life.
No judgment, please.