A Love Letter To Corinne From 'The Bachelor'
If you're like most of America, you found yourself falling deeply, truly in love for the first time these past few months.
Yes, I'm talking about Corinne, princess of naps and cheese pasta.
The last 1,337 seasons or so of "The Bachelor" have given us so many gifts: Ben straight-up deserting Olivia on a desert island. Chad chowing down on every potato he could get his paws on. Brad Womack pulling a Carrie and choosing himself.
But none of those gems have shone quite so brightly as 24-year-old contestant, "business owner" and possible baby Corinne Olympios.
And thank God for that because let's face facts: Nick Viall is boring as hell.
Sure, he's one of the few bachelors to actually have a banging body, but what else did Nick really bring to the reality TV table? A constant monotone and cold, dead eyes don't exactly make a compelling romantic hero. He was basically just a talking piece of bread.
Not Corinne Olympios, though. She livened things up right from the get-go by shamelessly discussing her nanny, Raquel. "She does everything for me," she said in the beginning, and boy, did she seem to mean everything, from cutting her perfect cucumber slices to making her cheese pasta.
A grown woman pretending to be a powerful business owner while secretly needing a nanny is reality TV gold.
But it wasn't just the fact that she was essentially a child from a "Mary Poppins" tale. Corinne also proved she was leagues ahead of the other girls by discovering the one real way to bring emotion to Nick's eyes: Get naked.
The other girls wasted their time with monologues about "feelings" and "fears" and "falling in love." They pretended to be interested in shoveling horse shit, for crying out loud.
Not Corinne. Nope, she just used her boobs a lot: pouring whipped cream on them, showing them off in a pool and mashing them up against his chest while making out with him in a bouncy house.
You have to admit: Girl's got style.
She slept through the goddamn rose ceremony. The other girls acted as if she had sacrificed a baby sheep inside a church and smeared the blood all over a statue of Jesus. It was shocking. It was downright blasphemy, in these girls' eyes, blasphemy!
But hello?! Who among us hasn't made plans to go out only to happily fall asleep on the couch? Who among us hasn't chosen a nap over a chance at love? Who?!
Corinne understands what we all know to be true: Nothing should ever trump a good, long nap.
Then there was her feud with Taylor, her fellow under-25-year-old on the show. That fight brought up the phrase "emotional intelligence" enough that if you had turned it into a drinking game, you would be straight-up dead.
And of course, when she was about to get Taylor kicked off for being a bully (who's not emotionally intelligent NOW, Taylor?!), she casually asked the random voodoo priestess she was with in the Louisiana woods (this was a thing that happened, yes) to make her a voodoo doll, so she could stab it with needles.
Corinne actually implied she was turning to dark magic to win the show. That is amazing.
The thing is, Corinne is not a reality TV villain, even though everyone attempted to paint her as one. Just look at last season, which introduced us to the human rage ball that was Chad. Chad was a villain. He bullied the other contestants and physically tried to hurt them. That is villainous.
But Corinne was never actually that mean to the other girls (with the exception of Taylor, which, well, we get). She never did anything spiteful to anyone, really. By all accounts, she really loves that nanny.
Really, she just had a decent strategy that offended the other girls by working.
Oh, and she napped. Which, again, those among us without sin cast the first stone, OK?
Really, we'll follow Corinne wherever she goes. She's what reality TV should always aspire to be. Forget Vanessa and her nice hair, or Nick and his ability to produce tears without emoting any real feelings. What you'll remember from this season was Corinne.
Good night, Corinne, you sweet, sweet, princess. We hope you dream a dream a little bigger than "Bachelor In Paradise." You deserve more.