Hi, my name is Katie and I'm a pretty average human being.
Carbs are my religion and smeared eyeliner is part of my usual aesthetic. One time, I woke up with an entire pizza in my purse. It was pepperoni, so that was cool.
To put things simply, I'm one of those girls who's single and no one wonders why. It's just a well-known fact I'd rather be making love to a hot plate of lasagna than a man who's probably shorter than me.
Kylie's life is anything but average. The girl can sneeze into a tissue and it'll have more worth than my entire life.
I'm basically Kylie Jenner's doppelgänger if Kylie Jenner ate 68,483,234 extra calories a day and then got hit by a bus. Yeah, then we'd look identical.
I also went to college for four years, AKA I spent 1,460 days drunk eating nachos and those "just add water" Easy Mac cups. My mom bought me an entire stock of them from Costco when I was a freshman and they were gone within a week.
If I'm being completely honest (the Internet is a safe space, right?!), I gained some serious weight during my undergrad experience.
It just didn't appeal to me to sustain a healthy lifestyle when I knew I had 24/7 access to dining halls with endless cookies, bagels and chips. AND they had self-serve ice cream. Ice cream is the best.
But now I have a full-time job, so the way I eat and drink has ~drastically~ changed.
I've naturally reduced my calorie intake over the past year because now I have to buy my own alcohol instead of stealing it from frats. I also have to cook my own meals instead of joining clubs to get free samples at the bake sale.
Over the past couple of months, I decided it's time to get my high school body back. It's the only way to make every boy who's ever rejected me realize he made a mistake and I'm perfect (I'm kidding, roast me).
To help me on my mission, I decided to try Kylie Jenner's favorite 28-day teatox because, IDK, why the F not?
Kylie always posts photos with Fit Tea and claims it does wonders, so I decided to buy a bag and test it out for myself. What's the worst that could happen? I become uglier? (Hahahha, I'm crying inside.)
Kylie Jenner's favorite teatox really works, you guys, and I'm here to tell my story.
Author's note: This is my modeling debut, I'm actually not a professional.
About a month ago, I bought the 28 Day Fit Tea Detox. All you have to do is drink one cup of tea every morning with or without breakfast or right before a workout. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
Here's an artsy pic of my sausage fingers showing off the goods.
For the most part, I drank the tea every morning. Every so often I would forget and have to drink it before a workout, but I decided to leave the bags on my desk at work and make a cup right after breakfast.
I tweeted at Kylie a lot to keep her updated on my journey.
She never tweeted back, but I know she was rooting for me.
Here's the thing about a teatox diet: You can't just drink a cup of tea every day and still stuff your face with pizza. It doesn't cancel out calories, it just helps you burn extra. I had to cut out a lot of bread from my diet in order to shed the pounds.
Here are some foods I thought about every time I ran on the treadmill because I didn't eat them for the entire month: fettuccine alfredo, Cool Ranch Doritos, Boston cream pie, German chocolate cake, a block of cheddar cheese.
Dieting is hard work, but it was essential for me to stop eating like a whale.
I also had to exercise, which I haven't done in a while. Teatoxing is great for people who are eating right and exercising regularly but just want an extra boost.
It definitely helped me feel energized and got my metabolism going. I could feel the fat burning off my body. I was shedding layers like a snake.
This is what I look like at the gym. Bye bye, blubber. It's summertime.
I wasn't crazy about checking the scale, which was a good thing. I actually didn't expect to have such successful results, so I only checked my weight once every week.
When my 28 days were over, I stepped on the scale and was pleasantly surprised to find out I lost 15 pounds.
I also got butt naked every time I stood on the scale and only weighed myself in the morning (before eating anything) so I could get the ABSOLUTE LOWEST number. I'm sure that played a part.
KYLIE, ARE YOU PROUD OF ME? THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!
Going on a teatox changed my life. Yesterday, a man stopped me on the street to tell me my shoe was untied. Today, some guy held the door open for me at Starbucks.
I even got a solid 32 likes on one of my Instagrams without having to like it from my fake account. I also went down a couple of jean sizes, so that's pretty sweet.
It's best to remember that results can be different for everybody. One of my co-workers went on a tea cleanse and it was the worst experience of her life. I guess I just got lucky.
Thanks, Kylie Jenner, you're the real MVP of this story.
As a disclaimer, I'm not a doctor or a dietitian or a nutritionist or even a properly functioning human being.
I have no idea how weight loss or diets work, I'm just trying to get a match on Tinder.
PS. This isn't the first time I've tried a Kardashian-approved product. Check out my other experiments below.