All my life I've wanted an ass like Kim Kardashian's.
Every night before bed, I close my eyes and picture her big ol' booty in my dreams. Before blowing out the candle on my nightstand, I grab my own ass and visualize it expanding in my hands.
OK, DON'T EX OUT OF THIS PAGE. I'M JUST KIDDING (sort of).
I think I have a decent-sized butt. There's enough to grab onto, but I wouldn't trust it to hold a wine glass.
When I jump up and down it jiggles (kind of), but not in a way that's hot. It's more in a way where everyone around me is screaming, "PLEASE STOP!" and children are crying.
Picture thousands of babies just bawling their eyes out. All right, you get the idea.
I'd love to be one of those sexy mamas who enters the club and all eyes are on her. BUT EW, NOT FROM BOYS. Guys are gross, please.
I want the attention from the ladies in the house. That's right, fellas, I don't get a manicure for the boy I'm tryna mack. I get dolled up for the drunk girls in the bathroom of the bar... the ones who are puking and complimenting each other's blowouts.
If you're a man, just know these pics of my badonkadonk aren't for your eyes. Maybe just leave this page now because things are about to get SPICY! PG-13! X RATED!
Mama's showing off her goods for the females who want some tips and tricks on how to get a behind like Kim K's. So ladies, listen up.
To become bootylicious, I went to this cheap-ass store by my house that sells $5 butt-pad panties. YEAH, I SAID THE WORD PANTIES. WHY YOU FLINCHING?
If I'm being completely honest, I didn't do much research. I just assumed all butt pads are created equally, so I figured this shit would do the trick. TIME TO MAKE ME A WOMAN.
I put on the undies and hit the streets. Immediately, I noticed my booty looked a little lumpy, but YOLO, let's do this.
I'm not quite sure if all butt pads look like this, but mine made my ass look like it grew breasts. DO YOU SEE THOSE LUMPS? MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS.
Is this hot? I don't even know.
All I know is butt pads feel like two personal pillows for my cheeks. OOHHH, THAT CUSHION. I'm in Wonderland, baby. I'm on top of the world!
Seriously though, why does my ass look like a seven-layer cake? I gotta spread that frosting and smooth this shit out.
Unless you like it like that. ;)
I'm so sorry.
In the end, I probably wouldn't recommend butt pads to anyone --unless you want to walk the streets looking like a bowl of cottage cheese.
I'll just rock my assets the all-natural way and maybe do some squats. ASSETS, GET IT? ASS...ets? Like my butt?
Hahahahaha someone date me, plz.
For real, if you want to try butt pads, I suggest you invest in a nice pair because the kind I wore were shit.
It was just plain obvious I added two mountains to my butt because everyone could see the outlines.
I WANT MY $5 BACK!
Sorry, Kim Kardashian. Now we're only twins from the front.