Dear Taylor Swift,
First of all, I want you to know I do enjoy your music. I'm not someone who will sit here and deny you are a talented lyricist, and I proudly admit to belting along with your songs whenever I get the chance.
But, second of all -- uh, how dare you?
How dare you insult the intelligence of the world over the past seven weeks, leading us on to believe all our efforts and theories and analyses would come to fruition at the MTV Video Music Awards, only to be revealed as a non-committed guest to the show?
It's irresponsible, it's demeaning and, in all honestly, it's pathetic.
I take the fact you want the entire universe to believe you, Taylor Swift, would be caught in a legitimate "PR crisis" like KimyeGate2016 as simply degrading.
You know we all know how much money you have, right? You know we know you have the greatest people in the business running your image for you, right?
The only people in the world who maybe have a comparable level of power and people behind them are Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
You know this. They know this. We know this.
There is no way this type of non-planned saga would go down so smoothly without the help and brainpower of Hollywood's elite public relations teams. And by "elite public relation teams" I primarily mean the inner workings of Ryan Seacrest's brain.
The recording of the phone call between you and Kanye West aired on an episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," presumably months and many calculated discussions after the actual phone call happened.
How do you expect millions of people to blindly follow the scripted narrative of the most famous reality family in the world and choose to believe it as fact?
It makes phenomenal reality TV, and, understandably, that was the point. We don't believe it as fact and we're not necessarily expected to; it's purely for entertainment.
This phone call was released exactly seven weeks before the Video Music Awards. So, we all giddily followed the extremely public argument you fabricated under the belief we would ultimately get an extremely public conclusion on stage at the VMAs, back where it all began.
It is because of the nostalgia of your VMA I'mma-let-you-finish fight with Kanye at the 2009 show that we all went along with it.
This was all fine and well. We here on the Elite Daily Entertainment Team ate it up -- we really did -- but to now have reports come out saying you're not even going to show up? That's just wrong.
Even if this IS somehow, some way, a real legitimate argument, it still doesn't make sense for you not to show.
Just because you weren't nominated this year, doesn't give you the right to skip out. And, disregarding everything with Kanye, this is because of Selena Gomez.
Year after year, Selena has been by your side, cheering for you, holding your hand, sharing your excitement. She's publicly assumed the role as your best friend. You not showing up, on a night where your apparent best friend has a series of nominations and will be in the room with her ex-boyfriend after a recent public argument, is selfish.
At this point, two nights before the VMAs, we've heard and analyzed every conspiracy theory out there. So, realistically, I am 90 percent certain the "reports" saying you aren't attending are all a part of this huge elaborate scheme and will make your music video drop* even more impactful.
*I am confident your staged relationship with Tom Hiddleston was for the purpose of a music video that will go hand-in-hand with Kanye's "Famous" as a social commentary on how you control the media and you dictate what is written about you.
While this conspiracy-ridden music video could easily be put on display with or without you there, which I think it will if you are a no-show, it would be a coward move for you to watch it from the comfort of your couch.
Yes, we'd all love to see Kanye win for "Famous" and for you to take the stage and say Beyoncé had the greatest video of all time, and yes, we'd all love to see an authentically shocked look on his face when you do that, but that's not what this is about. It's about owning up to the scheme you've manipulated and putting a powerful end to it.
So, Taylor, while I have literally zero business telling you how to live your life (even though I just wrote roughly 1,000 words doing just that), please take my advice, hold your chin up high and get your blonde lob to the VMAs.
In an ideal world, Kanye will take the stage in his randomly allocated four minutes of speech time and announce you as his running mate for 2020, and you'll ascend from the ceiling, and then Justin and Selena will join you on stage, and Calvin will slither from wherever he's sitting, and Kim will ride over in a golden chariot, and Beyoncé and Jay Z will do a choreographed dance number, and Meek Mill and Drake will hug for 78 seconds, and Ariana Grande will softly kiss a doughnut, and Harambe will swing on stage down from a spotlight, and then you'll all hold hands and sing "We Are The World," and Hollywood as we know it will all come crashing down.
I don't really know. These are my thoughts, thanks for reading.
Talk soon and hope to see you on Sunday.
Xoxo your friend,
*Name changed for dramatic effect.