6 Major Myths About BDSM, Debunked By Sex Experts

When many people hear the letters BDSM, they think of Rihanna singing about whips and chains or Fifty Shades' Christian Grey saying, "Laters, baby.” And while it's no secret that the BDSM community is, er, not all that fond of the Fifty Shades franchise, there's no denying that the series put the kink in the spotlight. But what is BDSM, really?

BDSM is an acronym that represents three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. The practice is an erotic exchange of power between consenting participants. If you're into BDSM, it isn't just a satisfying physical activity or a way to feel closer to your partner — it can also be a psychological thrill.

Kinky sex and BDSM can be intense, which is why clear communication is so key. Partners should discuss their boundaries, turn-ons, and turn-offs with each other before engaging in any new activity. They might even pick out a safe word prior to turning up the heat. Aftercare is also critically important, according to sex educator, instructor, and coach Lola Jean. It ensures that each partner feels appreciated and cared for after an intense sexual experience. This can look different from couple to couple, based on their wants and needs. For some, it might include cuddling; for others, it could entail a conversation about how each person felt. Like most things in BDSM, one size does not fit all. Everyone’s needs are different.

Below, experts dispels six major myths about BDSM and offer suggestions for beginners looking to ease their way into this type of kink. Here’s what they had to say.

Myth #1: BDSM Always Involves Sex

Truth: BDSM doesn’t necessarily involve or lead to sex. It certainly can, but the act of BDSM itself isn’t tied to the activity of having sex, despite what mainstream pop culture and media has led many to believe. “BDSM is erotic and sexy, but engaging in BDSM does not mean you have to have sex,” sex scholar, fiction novelist, and astrologer Nadège tells Elite Daily. “In BDSM culture we use language like ‘playing’ or ‘play partner’ to indicate that two or more people are being kinky together. Playing occurs when two people engage in kinky activities, such as pretending to be a kitten, drinking out of a water bowl, and sleeping at your owner’s feet.”

If sex falls within what you and your partner(s) enjoy when practicing BDSM, then it’s fair game. However, under no circumstance should there be pressure for anyone to have sex. “BDSM is a way to bring fantasies to life and explore your sexuality or gender,” Nadège adds. “If someone makes you feel like sex is mandatory, they are not an ethical person to play with.”

Finding someone you feel comfortable doing BDSM with won’t necessarily come easy. Like any other kind of relationship, it takes a bit of work. “A common misconception people have when they enter BDSM for the first time is that their fantasies will finally come to life and lead to effortless, orgasmic situations,” Nadège says. “In reality, it takes time to find play partners that are compatible with your desires, fantasies, and preferences. Just like dating, you should be selective about playing with new people and expect to have incompatible moments. Before playing with someone, I recommend going out for coffee to see if you and your potential BDSM play partner have chemistry, can communicate effectively, and share similar fantasies.”

Myth #2: BDSM Is All About Pain

Truth: This myth couldn’t be farther from the real deal. "When people hear BDSM, they tend to associate it with general sadism," says Jean — that is, causing harm to other people. "BDSM can, in fact, be sweet, fulfilling, and creative. What gets lost is the understanding, effort, and responsibility that comes with being a dominant or the simultaneous control and vulnerability that comes with being a submissive."

In a healthy BDSM relationship, all partners aim to please each other, and the submissive sets their own boundaries. "Physical abuse is an impact that is unwanted and nonconsensual, not just painful," Jean says. The basis of a dom-sub relationship is fulfilling your partner's needs, providing them pleasure, and constantly communicating to ensure you're doing both well. It's yet another reason why aftercare can be so critical. Not only is it imperative that all partners feel safe and cared for, but everyone must also have a deep understanding of the other's boundaries, comfort levels, and sexual interests.

“You want to communicate with your partner(s) before you bring any BDSM into the bedroom,” sex expert and Booty Parlor founder Dana Myers told Bustle. “Discuss who’s going to play the dominant and submissive roles, and be clear about what you’re willing to try and what’s simply too far outside of your comfort zone. Having this talk will strengthen your communication, build intimacy, and create a strong sense of trust so that you can let go of your inhibitions and explore some kinkier sex play safely and comfortably in your relationship.”

Myth #3: The Dominant Partner Is Always In Control

Truth: It might look that way on the surface, but that's not true. "Many people assume that a dominant makes demands and orders at all times," says Jean. "Yes, this may happen once the relationship has been established and there is understanding within the dynamic. [But] there is a large element of trust that needs to be built within a relationship with a power dynamic. Even when 'forced' to do something, it should be on the submissive's own free will. There should always be an out, exit, or safe words available."

In a healthy BDSM relationship, subs will ultimately decide when the action starts and stops, and how intense the session gets. Carefully selected mechanisms like safe words provide the submissive with control and agency.

"A safe word is a word selected by sexual partners together that, when used, indicates one partner would like to pause sexual activity for any reason," McKenna Maness, sex educator and former education and prevention coordinator at The Santa Cruz AIDS Project (SCAP), previously told Elite Daily. "Perhaps sex got too intense, or the partner is physically uncomfortable or in more pain than they would like to be, or roleplaying crossed into something less desirable for that person, [or] they’re overstimulated. In any of these cases, the partner who would like to stop can say their safe word and the other partner would know that it is time to stop immediately and check-in."

Myth #4: BDSM Is Nothing More Than Rough Sex Or Assault

Truth: One of the greatest challenges the BDSM community continues to face is misrepresentation in films and on television. While BDSM is largely associated with whips, chains, and leather ensembles, there are plenty of ways to ease into kink.

"I highly recommend starting with dirty talk or sexting prior to doing anything in a sexual setting," says Jean. "You may not know how you will react to a certain scenario or phrase in the heat of the moment. Better not to leave it to chance and use this time to test the waters [and] figure out your likes and dislikes."

Additionally, BDSM is about pushing your limits, not passing them. In all forms of sexual activity, your comfort, consent, and pleasure are crucial. "What are the goals for each of you in this BDSM relationship? Is it habitual? Are you both aware of each other’s boundaries and intentions? Have you communicated your needs before and after play or scenes?" advises Jean. "There are many aspects to consider before you dive headfirst into a power dynamic relationship. The control, or lack of control, can be intoxicating, but it comes with responsibility."

As always, active consent is the key ingredient in participating in any type of sexual activity. Before getting down to it, openly discuss boundaries and intentions with your partner(s). "All BDSM is based on this very important concept of consent. Skipping the consent discussion means you risk doing significant harm to others and to themselves,” erotic coach and sex educator Dawn Serra previously told Bustle.

Myth #5: You’re Either A Dom Or A Sub

Truth: The notion of a strict binary is not quite accurate — you can change it up. “In BDSM you can play any role you desire, that’s the point!” Nadège says. “Role play is a pillar of BDSM, and when BDSM became mainstream, popular culture latched onto the dom-sub binary because it reflected the gender norms that were already established by our dominant culture.”

Sound familiar? Yet another misconception that Fifty Shades perpetuated about BDSM is this strict dom-sub — and by association masculine-feminine — dichotomy. “This is why we often see a BDSM dominant portrayed as a man and a BSDM submissive portrayed as a woman,” Nadège continues. “This strict binary reflects our subconscious understanding of gender as a culture; it does not reflect the expansive reality of the BDSM community.”

Whether you strictly enjoy being a dom or a sub is totally up to you, but there’s also flexibility in what you want to experience. In fact, many people like being both a dom and a sub at different times. “People who enjoy BDSM often realize that they like to switch between roles,” Nadège says. “These people are called a ‘switch’ and prefer to feel out the energy of a situation before deciding if they want to step into their dominant side, their submissive side, or another role.”

Myth #6: BDSM Is Expensive and Inaccessible

Truth: As Nadège says, “You do not need to spend money on anything to get your kink on.” Many depictions of BDSM in pop culture show all the bells and whistles (in this case, whips and chains) that are most often associated with the practice, and when you first get into it, you might feel obligated to invest in a ton of gear. “BDSM can feel like an expensive proposition when you begin googling toys and outfits,” says Nadège. “Leather and latex are not cheap, and they are each a big part of the kinky aesthetic. Don’t let BDSM trends fool you, fancy boots and a whip will not make you a dominant any more than expensive lingerie will make you a submissive.”

On the contrary, it’s your approach that will make the difference. “BDSM is about energy and intention,” Nadège explains. “To step into dominant energy without spending any money, invite your play partner over and give them strict instructions: ‘You are to arrive at 5 p.m. on the dot. You are to wear all red. You will not wear underwear. If any of these instructions are not followed you will be punished.’”

“To step into submissive energy without spending any money, make a list of all the ways you enjoy serving your play partner,” Nadège continues. “Do you like kissing their feet? Do you like doing their dishes? Do you like washing their hair and body in the shower? Do you prefer to be obedient? Do you prefer to be a brat? Use this information and create a situation where you will service your dominant, and only wear underwear (or your birthday suit) while you do it.”

Additionally, if you want to play with toys, Nadège recommends finding affordable handcuffs, massage oils, or blindfolds, as well as getting a bundle of cheap candles to set the mood. “Lastly, try out spanking, tickle torture, or sensation play with feathers or velvet,” she says. “You do not need to spend a lot of money, you just. [need] to ask yourself how you step into your playful BDSM energy and get creative.”

Whether you’re considering exploring kink, dipping a toe into the world of BDSM for the first time, or creating a go-to safe word, entering the arena of power play can be both sexy and healthy. As long as all partners are on the same page, and willing and able to provide their active consent, there’s nothing wrong with experimenting as a sub or a dom.

Experts:

Lola Jean, sex educator, instructor, and coach

Nadège, sex scholar, fiction novelist, and astrologer

Dana Myers, sex expert and Booty Parlor founder

McKenna Maness, sex educator and former education and prevention coordinator at The Santa Cruz AIDS Project (SCAP)

Dawn Serra, erotic coach and sex educator