Here's How To Tell If You're Actually Bisexual

I need everyone to quiet down for a second. Yes, this is a real bisexual talking to you right now.

Don't make any sudden movements because, if you do, you might scare me away. Then, society won't believe you when you try to tell them bisexual people actually exist, and one was just talking to you.

Hahahaha I'm just kidding. (No, I'm not.)

In all seriousness, no matter how often mainstream media tries to ignore (and even reject) the existence of bisexuals, we're real and we're out here, probably dreaming about both a young Justin Trudeau and Kate McKinnon and how we want to fuck both of them a lot.

But for some of us, it's taken a while to get to the point of actually KNOWING we're bisexual.

Why? Well, to put it bluntly, sexuality is literally so weird.

But luckily for us, some deeper introspection combined with a nice stranger on the internet potentially connecting some dots can make figuring out sexualities a bit more manageable.

Here are some signs that you're probably bisexual:

1. You experience attraction to two genders, regardless of your past or current relationships.

Wanna know a great thing about identifying your own sexuality? YOU GET TO DO IT YOURSELF. That's right. No one else gets to, buddy.

What does that mean exactly? YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS DO. NOT. MEAN. SHIT.

If you've only been in relationships with men in the past, but you're still attracted to both men and women, you're probably bisexual.

If you've only been in relationships with women in the past, but you're still attracted to both women and men, you're probably bisexual.

Similarly, if you're attracted to both men and women, but you want to prioritize relationships with one or the other, you're — wait for it — STILL PROBABLY BISEXUAL AF.

2. You hooked up with someone of the same gender, you really liked it and you want to do it again.

I'm just going to throw a disclaimer out here: Drunken hookups are great fun (sometimes), but try not to use only those hookups as a measure for defining your sexuality. Tequila's good, but it's not THAT good.

Otherwise, though, this part is pretty self-explanatory.

Even if it wasn't planned, getting (coherently) intimate with the same gender, still being turned on by it after the fact and feeling compelled to do it again is, like, pretty solid evidence you might be bisexual. I don't know what else you want me to tell you at this point.

On the other hand, if you weren't sure about your attraction to two genders before, but you tried it, it didn't get you feeling all hot and heavy and you're not dying to do it again, it might just be that you were bicurious.

And that's totally fine. Carry on with your life, live your truth and don't forget to tell your friends bisexuals really do exist.

3. You're still attracted to both genders, even though you haven't hooked up with the same gender yet.

Several times in the past, I've heard people ask, “Well, how are you supposed to know if you're sexually attracted to the opposite gender before you have sex with them?”

And the thing is, as much as I want to be, I can't even be mad at the people asking this question because I understand the line of thought.

It's kind of like when you thought you hated sushi, but then you tried it, and you were like, “WOW. WHAT A SAD, SAD LIFE I LIVED BEFORE THIS MOMENT.”

But I'm about to drop a major truth bomb here, so hold on to your damn butts. People aren't sushi, OK? Genitalia are not the same as a spicy tuna roll with eel sauce.

I'm pretty confident in my opinion that a strikingly large majority of straight people probably identified as straight BEFORE they started having sex with the opposite gender.

How? Because our bodies literally tell us these things.

It's just like when you were 15, and you saw a smokin' hot member of the opposite gender, and you thought (and felt in your body), “Yes, I would like your body on top of me, like, 10 minutes ago.”

So if you see a member of the same gender, and you immediately think, “Wow, I really want to mash my face up against yours and do the saliva-exchange thingy and also do a bunch of other things with our spicy tuna rolls,” you're probably bi.

On the other hand, if seeing a member of the same gender makes you wonder IF you'd like hooking up with them, but you're feeling more confused than anything (and not ready to pounce), you might just be bicurious.

4. You get turned on when you fantasize about yourself with either gender.

I'm just going to come right out (ha) and say I believe our masturbation habits are basically little, golden oracles revealing more about our lives than we ever want to know.

Seriously, how do I un-know some of the stuff I know now?

I mean it, though. If you're gettin' freaky with yourself in your bedroom and the thought or imagined scenario of you with the same gender makes your vagina or penis feel the same way it does with the opposite gender (my feeling is usually a combination of incoherent Spanish and "what, WOW, OK, woah"), then let's face it: You could be bi.

However, this is NOT to say watching lesbian or gay porn means you're bi.

Porn is tricky. We see two people doing sexy things to each other, and all of a sudden, we're knee deep in a damn sexual crisis. (@Pornhub, why are you like this?)

But when we watch lesbian or gay porn and get turned on, we're more interested in the other aspects of sex we're seeing on the screen, rather than the idea of two men or women together.

For example, lesbian porn is doing THE MOST when it comes to clitoral stimulation, so naturally, a good majority of women will get off to the sight of clit stimulation — the easiest path to orgasm for women.

At the end day, just don't use porn alone to define your sexuality. Look at what fantasies you imagine yourself in, not other people on a screen.

Plus, porn isn't real.

But you know what is real and valid? BISEXUALITY, THAT'S WHAT.

5. Labeling yourself as bisexual feels right to you.

Look, I'm not here to tell you exactly what or who you are. I literally still have to ask people to answer questions about me for personality questionnaires because I can't do it myself.

But circling back to what I said before, the great thing about the fluidity of sexualities (and about tolerance, open-mindedness and all the other great things there should be more of in this world) is, you get to define your sexuality for yourself.

You know yourself best. If you've read up on bisexuality, and you think it fits best with who you are, whom you're attracted to and what you're feeling — and you're comfortable and happy in that identity — then congratulations, you are literally a bisexual.

Club membership is totally free. The only requirements are an extreme love of unicorns (we're very similar to unicorns — people think we don't exist), a young Justin Trudeau and Kate McKinnon's entire existence.