How To Tell If You Want A Boyfriend Or If You Just Want A Dog
Look, everybody needs somebody.
Everyone deserves someone to make memories with, take amazing selfies with and bring to Thanksgiving at your parents house.
However, it can be hard to determine if you're looking for someone more like a boyfriend or someone more like, ya know, an amazing French bulldog that smells like sunshine and has a white patch on their belly.
I am fortunate enough to have both a dog and a boyfriend, and luckily for you, I made this handy guide to help you tell the difference.
Check out these guidelines to help you figure out if you want a boyfriend or if you actually just want a dog.
If you're looking for companionship...
If you're someone who feels like life is better when shared, you're looking for: A DOG.
Dogs are literally called man's best friend for a reason, and owning a pup will give you a friend for, literally, the length of at least one of your lives.
If you're looking for a partner in crime...
If you're on the hunt for someone to get into mischief with and go on adventures with, you're looking for: A DOG.
Dogs will ALWAYS be willing to roll down the windows, stick their heads out into the fresh air and drive wherever the wind takes you two.
If you're looking for unconditional love...
If the idea of someone loving you no matter what your faults are makes you want to sob happy tears, you are looking for: A DOG.
Puppies are the only creature you can leave alone for hours on end with no explanation, and they won't be mad at you when you get home.
In fact, they will act as if you've come back from war every time you walk through that door. It's, like, the best feeling.
If you're looking for someone whom you can trust with your secrets...
If you're looking for someone you can confide in and who knows all of your secrets, look no further. You're looking for: A DOG.
Dogs see every weird, dirty, embarrassing habit and behavior you have when you're alone in your apartment, and they will never judge you.
In fact, just when you think your weirdness has hit new lows, they'll go and lick their own genitals to remind you you're actually doing just great comparatively! UGH. DOGS ARE THE BEST.
If you're looking for someone who depends on you...
If you're the type that finds self-worth based on others' need for you in their lives, then guess what, bucko? You're looking for: A DOG.
Dogs LITERALLY need you to survive, and nothing brings human beings more happiness than taking care of other creatures. (Seriously, science agrees.) Nurturing your pup will bring you a sense of purpose and pride!
If you're looking for someone who will defend your honor...
If you're looking for someone who will take action if they see something suspicious, if they suspect you are in danger or if they sense you are sad, well congratulations, ma'am, because you're looking for: A DOG.
Dogs are the most intuitive creatures out there (except maybe dolphins... or horses... IDK, gotta look that one up), and they can sense danger and fear a mile away. Getting a dog is like getting a little security guard to follow you around at night.
Sure, they might not be able to do anything when the time come besides bark or hide in the bathroom (depending on how big they are), but it's the thought that counts!
If you are a looking for someone to snuggle with at night...
If you're on the hunt for a warm body to spoon at night, who also snores and gives you kisses in the morning, you are looking for: A DOG.
Cuddling up next to a sweet pooch is like cuddling up with a cloud who smells like happiness and looks great in your bed.
If you are looking for someone who thinks the sun shines out of your asshole...
If you wish there was someone there to provide support, encouragement and remind you you're just the fucking best, guess what? You're looking for: A DOG.
You can do the dumbest thing, like whistle a song and shout "YEE-HAW!!!" in your underwear, and your dog will look at you like, "OH MY GOD! WE'RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!"
You can't go wrong with a sweet, amazing pup.
If you are looking for someone to have sex with...
Oh. Well, then you're looking for: A BOYFRIEND.
Obviously, you sicko.