I've been a 30-year-old adult girl creature since May 1.
But, I'm not going to sit here and smugly gaze into the distance, tapping my manicured nails onto my desk and taking a sip of my cup of French roast (or something equally pretentious and annoying) espresso as the words "IT ALL CAME TOGETHER WHEN I TURNED 30!" fall from my lipstick-covered lips.
The truth is, I'm not even sitting at a desk. I'm curled up on a couch, hiding from my co-workers because I have social anxiety. My nail polish is chipped because I've been picking at it, like a agitated addict in the throes of withdrawal. (I'm actually convinced I'm still withdrawing from Ambien, but Doctor Feelgood says otherwise.)
I'm not drinking coffee. I'm actually drinking a sugar-free Red Bull and hating myself for it.
"How can you betray your health like this, you little bitch?" I keep asking myself like a twisted mantra.
Oh, and I'm not wearing lipstick. That shit wore off hours ago.
I'm also not going to lie through my bleached teeth and tell you everything is perfect now. But, I will tell you the blatant truth: Over here on the 30-year-old side of life, while far from perfect, I know it all crushes the shitstorm of my 20s.
My 20s were messy:
My 20s were nothing but a roller coaster with a few exhilarating ups, but mainly just heart-sinking lows. Most of all, my 20s were insecure, especially when it came to my favorite subject of all subjects in this world, sex.
In fact, I don't even think I enjoyed sex in my 20s all that much. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had a great sex life (inside my head) with a few memorable moments (mainly with fuckgirls not worthy of my time). But, by the time I reached the end of my 20s and the beginning of my 30s, it all got so much sweeter.
I tried to break down why the other day. I realized sex has become so much better because I'm so much, much, much more secure in my sexuality than I was when I was a 22-year-old basket case.
And you know what? I'm never going back to those horribly insecure days.
Because when you're insecure about your sexuality, you're insecure about everything.
So, these are 20 sexual insecurities I'm leaving for dead in my 20s. And if I ever dare to revisit them, I'll look back at this list and spread my lips into a smile.
Because you know what? I've come out the other side. I survived. And that's not something I thought was even possible in the darkest days of my 20s.
1. I'm too fat, ugly, hairy and PALE for anyone to find me physically attractive.
First of all, within the context of sex, everything is hot. Don't think when someone is in the heat of the moment, basking in pure sexual pleasure, they're critiquing your body.
No one is fixating on the size of your thighs or thinking, "Damn, this chick really needs a tan" when they're deep inside of you. Trust me on this one.
2. Is my loud moaning going to freak her out? How loud is TOO loud?
Now I'm a smug 30-year-old woman, I've come to accept that I'm loud as hell when it comes to sex. When I'm feeling turned on and I just fiercely want it oh-so-bad, I physically can NOT keep quiet.
And you know what? I used to be self-conscious, and now I'm not. Because only vanilla lovers would be fearful of a loud, wildly expressive lover, and I'm not into sleeping with anyone who is vanilla about anything, especially sex.
3. Am I too wet? Is that even normal?
I look fondly back on the days when I feared my wetness was too intense. Now I'm grateful, and if I'm not wet, well then babes, that's a problem. Repeat after me: There is no such thing as too wet, ladies. There is no such thing as too wet, ladies. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO WET, LADIES.
4. How the hell does a person give head properly?
Yeah, never got that part down, but that's great because that's definitely an insecurity that will stay in my very early 20s, seeing as I quickly realized I'm a giant lesbian who isn't properly equipped to give head to boy creatures.
5. How the hell does a person go down on a woman properly?
This is the golden question. After a decade (and then some) of debilitating insecurity about this, I've come to realize that as long as you listen to her body, you're golden, baby.
6. I'm a giant SLUT for having an irrepressible sex drive and sleeping with the girl on the first date.
7. My boobs are too small for me to be sexy.
My size-A boobs are just fine, thank you very much. And so are your DDDs.
8. I don't want to take my bra off to reveal these small boobs.
I took my bra off and realized life is so much better with untethered tits.
9. I'm sex-crazed and need to get my hormones checked.
I only lose my sex drive when I'm depressed. When I'm happy and healthy, I'm totally sex-crazed and wild and I want to only exist in a world where I'm happy and healthy. (Because I've been down the dark, sexless, self-medicating path, and I don't ever want to go back there.)
10. Does she feel good? Is she enjoying this?
Of course she feels good because I'm laser-focused on her and her pleasure, and I'm fully engaged and listening to her body. All of this makes a person a good lover.
11. Am I taking too long to cum?
No. Take your time, babe.
12. MY PARTNER MUST HATE GOING DOWN ON ME. IT TAKES SO LONG.
It's a goddamn privilege for anyone to be down there, girls. Never, ever, ever question if your partner likes it. She or he loves it.
I've never met a lesbian who doesn't love traveling down under, and if a dude doesn't like it, dump him because he's either deeply insecure or (most likely) gay.
13. I must taste weird.
Girls, get over it. So long as you're a healthy human being with basic hygiene skills, you're fine. Don't try so hard to make your vagina taste like a vanilla candle. It's not a vanilla candle. It's a vagina, and it's super LOVELY just the way it is.
14. I must SMELL weird.
Girls, get over it. So long as you're a healthy human being with basic hygiene skills, you're fine. Don't try so hard to make your vagina smell like a bed of roses. It's not a bed of roses. It's a vagina, and it's PERFECT just the way it is.
15. Sex is all about making my partner feel good because I'm not worthy of feeling sexual pleasure.
This is the biggest one I had to get over. As women, we've been programmed our entire lives to believe we're nothing but pawns in the sex game. It's like we're supposed to be little sex dolls whose only mission in life is to make our partners feel good.
As soon as I realized sex was also for my pleasure, my entire life unfolded into something far more beautiful. I'm not even being dramatic (though I own being a flaming drama queen).
When you tap into your sexual confidence, you tap into this deep-rooted confidence you didn't know ever existed. Think about it: Sex is so raw and so human. So if you have that part up and running healthily, your spirit will thrive.
16. I need to hold off having sex in order to trick them into liking me.
Sex is never a tool to manipulate anyone into having feelings for you. Because you know what? If they're cool and you two have an authentic connection, they will like you, sex or no sex. Sex is too precious to be used for anything except your pleasure, gorgeous girl.
17. I owe them sex because it's been three dates, and they paid for dinner.
YOU NEVER OWE ANYONE SEX, EVER. YOU ONLY HAVE TO HAVE SEX WHEN YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX. SEX AND PRESSURE DO NOT GO TOGETHER.
18. I'm wildly self-conscious about my disgusting body, and I can't even get into it. I'm staring at the cracks in the walls and wishing I was dead because this is so awful.
First of all, your body is not disgusting. It's your temple, and it's really screwed up to talk shit about a place so holy.
Second of all, if it's awful, you can always stop it. You're in control, and the sooner you realize it, the better.
Also, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever wish you were dead. You're alive and you're fierce AF, and you have so much ahead of you. If sex is making you feel this way, stop it, call a damn yellow cab and go back to your studio apartment where you can have solitude.
19. I'm shy about my sexual performance.
I finally learned that sex is not a performance. We're not show ponies; we're people having sex. If I start to feel shy and self-conscious, you know what I do, babes? I just direct my energy onto my partner. I focus on their pleasure, and it pulls me back into the heat of the moment.
20. I'm a freak for having such kinky sexual fantasies.
No, girls, you're not freaks. I don't care how lewd, scary, bizarre, violent, weird or screwed-up your sexual fantasies are. They're deeply-rooted inside of us, so never let anyone ever make you feel ashamed about them. Your sexual fantasies are exclusively yours, and it is no one's business where they stem from, thank you very much.
If anyone ever shames you for your kinky desires (or anything, really), kindly thank them for their time and kick them the fuck out of your bed, babe.