What Your Favorite Oscars Outfit Says About Your Sex Life
Sure, sure, watching the Oscars is fun when you root for your favorite movies of the year, appreciate the magic of cinematography and blah blah blah.
But let's be honest: We're all REALLY watching the awards to judge celebs on their fashion choices and make ourselves feel better about sitting at home and eating peanut butter from the jar with a ladle.
For me, I'm always looking for dresses I feel like I would wear myself if I were to attend a special event — basically what most closely matches my personality.
And surprisingly enough, our fashion and style preferences can tell us a lot more about our personalities and, more specifically, about our sex lives than we think.
Yes, the way you portray yourself to the world is super telling about how you are behind closed doors... and in between the sheets.
So here is what your favorite 2017 Oscar's look tells you about your sex life.
Dakota Johnson's conservative look
You also keep it conservative in the bedroom, but no, that doesn't mean you're a prude.
It just means, for you, there is a right and wrong way to go about sex, and you prefer to play by the rules.
This likely means your go-to spot for sex in the house is the bedroom, and you might have a specific routine that gets you in the mood, rather than indulging in spontaneous romp sessions.
Taraji P. Henson's old-school Hollywood glam look
You appreciate the classics, and you take your time when it comes to sex. That means lots of foreplay and paying close attention to every detail of your partner.
To you, sex is a nuanced, methodical luxury that gets better and better over time.
Leslie Mann channeling Belle from "Beauty and the Beast"
You're a helpless romantic and probably refer to banging as "making love," which is great.
Some other words that likely describe your lifestyle (and your sex style) are soft, warm, supple and delicate. And it's likely you always smell like a damn rose, making you completely irresistible to men everywhere.
Janelle Monáe's artistic masterpiece
You love to keep everyone on their toes, and that certainly does not exclude your sex partners.
For you, the name of the game is always to do the unexpected and try everything once.
You'll never shy away from new positions, moves or experiences, and you love to celebrate how crazy sex can be if you let it!
Jessica Biel's fierce, golden look
Honey, you slay.
Your body is a literal temple, and you make sure everyone knows it. Confidence, stamina and precision are your key sexual features, and you bring all three into the bedroom every time.
A warning to your sexual partners: Don't even think about trying to be the star here because homegirl will outshine you always.
Halle Berry's sexy, bondage frock
One word: dominatrix.
You know what you want and when you want it, and you'll do everything to go get it. And just like Halle Berry's dress features hints of metal and bondage, so do your bedroom habits.
In fact, your bedroom door should read "Enter with caution" and "This way to bliss."
Now, if you need ME, I'll be rocking a onesie and some serious ponytail in my apartment, probably dreaming about sex... which is kind of like having sex... kind of.