I used to use sex like booze. It was a way to check out, a way to disconnect. That's why I was drawn to sex that wasn't intimate.
I struggled to even passionately kiss during sex. I wanted the sex that was removed, the sex that hid behind sensationalized things like kink and toys and extreme aggression.
Some people say they have rough sex as way to feel something, but for me, it did the opposite. The physical pain was a distraction from feeling any emotional pain.
But, you know, life and love happened, and I eventually experienced intimate sex. Basically, I began to ~fuck with feelings~ if you will.
And guess what? It wasn't so scary.
That's the thing I've learned about feelings in general: They actually aren't so terrible. The fear of feeling is worse than the actual feeling itself.
So, I've been on this love sex kick for awhile now. I even think it's possible to experience intimacy (maybe not on the same epic level as when you're in love, but close) with a total stranger on a one-night stand.
I mean, bodies have their own secret language, don't they? Two bodies can communicate and have an incredibly deep, connected conversation with another, even if the brains don't intellectually connect. At least, that's how it is for me.
But while I love love sex, I've realized you can't have it all the time. Even when you're wildly, knee-deep, can't-get-enough-of-you in love.
Because first of all, the pressure of having love sex every single night with your partner is too pressing on the relationship. Love sex is amazing, but like anything that requires a lot of emotional energy, it's draining.
Feeling your feelings is amazing, but exhausting. Having intimate, raw love sex every single night would be like having a soul-consuming deep conversation where you reveal the core of WHO YOU REALLY are every single night.
And that's too much for any person, especially a sensitive person who holds on to their emotions for a while, like me. You just can't be connected all the time.
We disconnect for a reason. Sometimes, it's good to check out. It's a way to protect ourselves from getting swallowed whole by the feels.
One time, I was in a play that ran for six nights per week for two months. In every single show, I had to get beaten up by my boyfriend and have a miscarriage.
For the first three weeks, I went there every single night. Every single night, I fully felt the devastating pain of getting physically and emotionally abused by my lover and the grief of losing a child.
It was a total mindfuck. I lost a mountain of weight (without being consciously bulimic or anorexic, for the first time in my life), my skin broke out and I basically lost my mind. It was real and ugly.
Because it's just not possible to go to that big of a place every single night.
Even though I had a shitty male director who didn't teach me how to care for myself while playing such an intense role, I did have an awesome mentor who told me that some nights, I would just have to go through the motions during the show. Some nights, I wouldn't be able to really go there like I had done for the first few weeks.
Similarly, sometimes it's OK to have numb, non-emotional sex. It's OK to use sex a a meditation where you sort of check out from the world for a while and quiet the mind. It's like a deep conditioning treatment for the soul.
As long as disconnected sex isn't your norm, or you're not afraid of connected sex like I was for so many years (which is very common for victims of sexual assault), or you're not numbing yourself from feelings in general, it's OK to use sex as way to escape sometimes.
It's sort of like drinking. The occasional glass of wine after a long day is fine. But if you're using the wine as a way to dull yourself because you don't want to feel anything at all because you're afraid of what you'll unlock, it's a problem.
And the sober moments you have, the ones that are intense and real and palpable, are going to always crush the drunken blurry moments.
Same goes with sex. The mind-blowing, emotional love sex is going to be the best sex of your life. It will always trump the quick, disconnected sex or the removed, kinky romp.
But you can't always feel things so deeply, girl. And that's OK.