The Sensitive Girl's Guide To The F*ck Buddy
It's no great mystery that I'm a deeply sensitive girl creature (or "highly sensitive," as my therapist gently puts it). I've written endlessly about my hypersensitivity to sad movies, the emotional hardships of people I love, and the jarring energy from creepy entities breathing on me on the train.
I've been vomiting out dark tales of my acute sensitivity across the great expanse of the Interweb for the last six months. I'm sick of writing about it. You're sick of reading it. You're saying to yourself, "You're sensitive, Zara. SO ARE WE. WE GET IT. SHUT THE F*CK UP ABOUT IT."
Girl, I know.
But lucky for you, we're going to navigate a pressing issue that is very rarely discussed in the sensitive girl community: How the hell does a single, sensitive girl score a f*ck buddy without the tethers of emotional attachments?
The truth is, we sensitive ladies crave sex with a deeper, more cutting ferocity than any other breed of woman. Sweeping generalization? Sue me. It's true.
Sensitive girls are just wildly, wildly sensual. We have heightened senses. If you were to slightly brush your body against mine, and I just so happened to be madly attracted to you, I could practically have an orgasm right then and right there. Intense I know, but that's exactly what I am.
Being sexual totally works in my favor when I'm in a relationship. I'm the perfect girlfriend if you want to have a consistently steamy sex life. I want to sext, have phone sex, have actual sex, oral sex, all kinds of sex, all the time. And most of my sensitive sisters-in-crime have confessed they're exactly the same.
So what's a sensitive girl to do when she finds herself as single as a dollar bill?
Scoring a f*ck buddy is a tricky feat for us sensies. We are madly passionate women who open up easily and attain the rare ability to make anyone (even the most guarded of humans) open up to us. And someone always catches feelings.
AND THE ENTIRE POINT OF A F*CK BUDDY IS TO F*CK WITHOUT FEELINGS, RIGHT?
Um, not really. That's not how we roll. I think it's totally OK to f*ck with feelings, so long as you leave those feelings in the bedroom. Which, again, is hard. But don't fret. It's not impossible.
And just like any other girl in the world, it's our right as highly sensitive women to have sexual connections that are free of emotional connections. Now, especially.
It's winter, girls. It's cold. Nothing is worse than being sexually frustrated and cold.
So here it is: The Sensitive Girl's Guide To Securing A Successful F*ck Buddy.
And if just one of you lovelies gets a successful f*ck buddy this cuffing season, then my job is done, and I can die happy.
Find someone you would never, ever dream of dating.
One of the most outstandingly beautiful, vulnerable and sensitive writer-friends of mine, Tia*, has the dream f*ck buddy situation. She describes her f*ck buddy as a "hot construction worker with a pea-size brain." That is some #F*ckBuddyGoals.
Because of his pea-sized brain, she knows there is ZERO future with this guy. She's smart and lives for stimulating conversation over red glasses of wine. This guy doesn't even like wine. A bonafide deal breaker to Tia.
So women, girls, and everyone in-between: This right here is as pivotal as a PISTOL. Anytime your mind slowly wanders into the visualization of actual dating territory, you're totally screwed, and your f*ck buddy is no longer a f*ck buddy.
Try to find someone who is moving away.
This is the most ideal situation you can find yourself in. This was the case when I had my one and only lovely, cunning, HOT and effective f*ck buddy. Let's call her Lesley.*
I met Lesley one night at a dimly lit downtown dive, only to find out that in three months, she was moving. And she wasn't just moving from Chelsea to Williamsburg, but from Chelsea to f*cking Scotland.
I knew there was no way I could stay attached, and so did she. So we got down and dirty for three months, and BAM -- off she sailed into the cross-Atlantic sky, vanishing from my life forever.
It was awesome and seamlessly leads me into my next point.
There must be a time limit on the f*ck buddy.
Give yourself a HARD deadline to when the f*cking has to end. Because if you end up having that much sex, for an extended period of time, that intimacy will become as addictive as an innocent bump of cocaine that turns into a life-long speed habit.
It's the animalistic nature lurking within us. We will get attached, or even worse, the f*ck buddy will get attached. And then we will have to hurt his or her fragile feelings by telling them we're done. And there is nothing worse to a sensitive girl than HURTING a human being. It's the reason we stay in relationships far past their expiration dates.
Don't ever let him or her into your home.
Once a person enters your home, boundaries have been crossed. My home is my temple, a personal reflection of my style and experiences, and only special people are allowed into my holy grail.
Trust me. Once you come into my humble abode and pet my gorgeous King Charles cavalier spaniel, Charlotte, you will fall in love with me. Or she will fall in love with you, and I will feel obligated to invite you over again. And again. Anything for Charlotte.
Also, I don't need you knowing I sleep with a stuffed Hello Kitty every night of the week because she makes me feel safe and less alone in the cruel, cold city. I can save that kind of vulnerability for people I'm dating (who, inevitably, will come to discover that a 29-year-old who sleeps with Hello Kitty is probably deeply troubled).
Look, go to a hotel (if you can afford it) or to the f*ck buddy's house, which is probably a f*ckboy pad and will definitely remind you that you won't want more anyway.
In fact, while we're at it, let's just say NO SLEEPOVERS at all.
There is something about sleeping next to another person; You're at your most vulnerable when you sleep. I remember one of my failed attempts at having a f*ck buddy got killed because we spent the night every time we had sex.
And since I'm a naturally affectionate person, we would end up cuddling. Holding each other through the night.
And f*ck, we both caught feelings, both ended up hurt, and both thought the f*cking wasn't worth the aftermath: a mildly shattered heart.
Don't discuss your childhood, traumas or anything about family.
Just don't do it. You KNOW better. Even if you're an over-sharing, irrepressibly curious gal like me. This is when EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS occur.
Watch your drinking.
I'm no f*cking hero when it comes to the wild and wonderful world of BOOZE. I like my champagne as much as the next Chanel bag-toting, Manhattan-living, clichéd fashion victim.
But when you start to DRINK, you to start to lose control of your carefully curated rules. You will spend the night. You will reveal too much. Or, as in my typical case, you will tell them you LIKE THEM while burning in the heat of the sexual moment. And then you will have to hurt them by telling them you were just DRUNK.
Remember, a f*ck buddy is all about being fully in control. And booze is always the catalyst to losing control.
REMEMBER: YOU CAN HAVE PASSIONATE SEX WITHOUT CATCHING FEELINGS.
Let's get real. If you're a passionate lover, you're going to have passionate sex, even if it's with a f*ck buddy. It's entirely possible to have that insatiable, passionate sex without catching feelings. Just stick to the ground rules.
And look, if you do catch feelings, don't fret. Sometimes, love comes in the most unlikely of places. Like f*ck buddies who were only made for f*cking.
*Name has been changed