I'm a bonafide, no-holds-barred caffeine fiend.
It's early in the week, and I'm in no mood to f*ck around: I'm a nasty, listless bitch before I've had my morning coffee.
Pre-caffeine, I have zero semblance of humor, and I don't want to f*cking talk to you, regardless of how much I love you or how wonderful of a human being you are.
Basically, I'm a cruel zombie with no personality until I've had a mega cup of luscious, delightful, silken, gorgeously bitter, milk-adorned morning coffee.
As soon as the teeming hot creamy darkness makes its way down the confines of my throat, I'm brand new. Sparkling. Dangerously fresh. Sharp as a razor.
I go from being a horrendous, sleepy-eyed wonder-brat, to a hyper-engaged, laser-focused go-getter ready to take on this cruel, cold WORLD. It's like I go from being a resting sloth to a fully erect meerkat in an instant.
I'm suddenly a brunette Elle Woods, ready to sing in the streets and prove to the world I'm a strong force of girl nature who cannot and will not be stopped from achieving my sky-high dreams of grandeur.
Despite my endless love and deep-rooted passion for all things pertaining to caffeine, I have come to learn, through the wisdom of age and the relentlessness of time, there is one other thing even more effective and far stronger than a cup coffee could ever hope to be.
The ultimate way to kick-start the day: MORNING SEX.
Yes, a nice bout of morning f*cking, my darlings, is the best way to get you and the pending day GOING. In fact, it sets you up for a whole 24 hours of unabashed success.
You will be radiating lustful vibrations at work; your face will have that gorgeous after-sex glow that even a $75 luxury Chanel foundation can't manifest. You will be madly awake, gorgeously alive and ready to THRIVE.
So, ladies, listen up: Morning sex is the way to a better life. I promise.
I urge to you put down that cup of coffee and instead allot 20 minutes to devouring (and getting devoured by) your partner every morning.
Don't fret if you're single. After all, we don't need another person to get off, do we girls?
So whether it's with a partner or trusty Ms. Vibrator, here is how morning sex is more effective than a cup of coffee:
Coffee increases anxiety; sex decreases it.
I'm an acute anxiety-sufferer. I've struggled with panic attacks for over a decade. I've seen doctors, specialists, therapist and even acupuncturists in hopes of relieving the spiraling anxiety that takes over my being from time to time.
And our lovely friend Ms. Caffeine is actually proven to exacerbate anxiety. Yes, while she wakes us in the morning, she can always take us on a dark turn for the worse.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, caffeine-related anxiety is a very real thing. 80 percent of Americans are avid, enthusiastic coffee-drinkers, and panic and anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses in the United States.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to connect the two, now does it?
Sex, on the other hand, decreases that pesky anxiety. Just being close to another person (kissing, hugging, f*cking) allows the body to release a lovely little feel-good hormone called "oxytocin."
Oxytocin reduces stress and puts you in a relaxed state of authentic bliss. We do better work when we're in a relaxed state, rather than a hyper-aware, anxious state.
Coffee has a comedown; with sex, you just come.
Here is the truth, kittens: Coffee doesn't actually give you real energy. It just makes your body feel less tired, so it's falsified energy.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the boost you feel post-coffee is artificial as f*ck.
When your body needs rest, it releases a lovely little compound called adenosine, which lets you know you're tired and need to get some f*cking sleep.
The molecules in caffeine block and cover up your adenosine receptors so you don't feel tired. But they're still there, looming beneath the surface. It's akin to putting a Band-Aid on a wound and pretending it's healed.
Until the Band-Aid wears off, and the pain sets in. The coffee wears off, and you feel twice as tired. You crash. You feel epically drained and irritated until you have more coffee.
Thus starts the vicious caffeine rabbit hole. Your life becomes reduced to a “Groundhog Day” cycle of coming down and coming up. It's no way to live.
Sex, on the other hand, doesn't have a comedown -- it only makes you come. Its physical activity gets your blood pumping with no pesky crash. An orgasm only lasts a short while, but its lovely lingering after effects make you feel lusty, and sexy and desirous all day long.
Coffee scatters you; sex centers you.
When I drink coffee, I get a surplus of insta-energy, but it’s wild, scattered-brained, panicked energy. In fact, caffeine makes me feel so sweepingly anxious, it's hard for me to direct my focus toward one specific task.
Post my morning caffeine boost, I'm chatty, and multitasking and unable to stay on one topic for too long. I'm the ADD Millennial prototype: quick but with zero attention span. My thoughts quickly shift from one to the next without drawing any conclusions.
Sex makes me feel centered and Zen. I not only get a dose of my necessary morning exercise that helps to increase the serotonin levels in my brain (the hormone that makes us feel HAPPY), but just the sheer intimacy and affection associated with sex helps me to feel grounded.
Sex is healthy. Being touched feels good. It cultivates the confidence that helps keep me feeling sane and focused.
Coffee gets cold; sex only gets hotter.
Look girls, coffee gets cold as quickly as it gets f*cking hot. That soothing, warm cup of coffee you began to slowly sip as you put on your morning mascara and painted your precious pout with red lipstick quickly turns cold.
And there is nothing in the world more dire and unappetizing than a cold cup of coffee.
Once the coffee makes that upsetting transition from scalding hot to lukewarm, it's super depressing. It serves as a brutal reminder that all good things eventually will come to an end.
It's a metaphor for the saddest part of our existence: "Nothing gold can stay," (coined by American poet Robert Frost).
Sex only gets hotter the longer it goes on. The more you draw sex out, the more you tease and play, the sweatier and sexier it gets.
It serves as a metaphor for the most beautiful part of life: The power of pleasure.
Coffee dehydrates you; sex gives you a lustful glow.
Coffee dehydrates you. When you're dehydrated, it wickedly shows up in your face. Makeup can't cover your dehydrated skin.
Your epidermis gets papery and dry. Dark circles make their way beneath the delicate surface of eyes. Your complexion loses its luster. You're oily and sallow. It's not a good look.
SEX gives you the gorgeous glow Hollywood can only dream of attaining. It provides you with that coveted "I just got f*cked" glint to the apples of your cheeks.
Every girl looks more beautiful after she's had an orgasm (especially if it's from herself). After sex, you walk down the street, and all eyes are fixated on to you. It's as if you are magnetic to the masses. You f*cking ooze sexiness.
Sexual energy is very different than artificial caffeine energy. Sexual energy is real and penetrates through your entire body. It's the most powerful energy of all.