There's no more wildly embarrassing time in your life than the hazy decade of your 20s.
I don't even think I realized what a hot, drunken, mess that god-awful decade was until very recently. Somewhere between 27 and 30, I emerged out of the 20s shame fog and peered, with fresh eyes, into the startling reality of my life.
I was shocked at what I saw, girls.
"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed to myself. "I've slept with all of these horrible people for the wrong reasons, I've made such a giant fucking fool of myself so many times, I haven't communicated honestly to anyone in years, and ew, am I really dating this spineless creature who lacks as much intellectual muscle as she does sexual prowess?"
I realized that the entire decade had been spent making mistakes. Which is great, I mean, if you're not direly screwing up your life in your 20s, you're not figuring out the core of who you are and you'll surely have a meltdown of epic proportions by the time you reach your mid-50s.
If you're not direly screwing up your life in your 20s, you're not figuring out the core of who you are.
Some of the most embarrassing life fails we will ever have in our 20s are going to be of the sexual nature.
I used to think I was the only one having shitty sex in my 20s, but now that I'm old and wise, I realize that everyone has shitty sex in their 20s.
Woo! I wasn't alone in my gag-worthy, cringe-worthy sexual explorations! And neither are you, baby!
So, here are 20 sex fails all of us (and by all of us I mean ME, but hey, let me project my issues onto you!) will experience in our 20s:
1. Faking an orgasm to protect the fragile ego of our stupid, fragile partner who isn't deserving of us in general, let alone deserving of our fake orgasm.
2. Faking an orgasm unsuccessfully. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as faking an orgasm and being called out for faking an orgasm.
Nothing is quite as embarrassing as faking an orgasm and being called out for faking an orgasm.
4. Meeting someone in a bar who is so gorgeous that you can't even HANDLE it, so you go home with them, have really amazing, mind-blowing sex, only to wake up in the morning to realize this person is your toxic ex.
5. Meeting someone in a bar who is so gorgeous that you can't even HANDLE it, so you go home with them, have really amazing, mind-blowing sex, only to wake up in the morning to realize this person is hideously ugly and lives in a studio they share with 17 roommates and 13 cats.
6. Telling yourself you're so "sexually liberated" and "sex-positive" after you sleep with a stranger, only to cry into a pillow because you slept with that stranger because you felt unattractive, overweight and you were looking for validation. And now, you just feel hollow, empty and broken inside.
7. Having really fabulous sex during a one-night stand and orgasming like you've never orgasmed before, only to sabotage the entire experience by slut-shaming yourself for the next two weeks.
8. Having an awful threesome with your significant other where you spent the entire time wanting to scratch the third party's eyes out, but you held it in because you just wanted to seem adventurous and open-minded.
9. Moaning so loudly at the top of your LUNGS because you were trying to be an enthusiastic lover for your partner, only receive a scathing letter from your neighbors who were kept awake all night by your crazy sex sounds.
10. Sticking your finger in the wrong hole.
11. Falling asleep as your hookup is going down on you. (How rude!)
12. Accidentally sending your father a provocative nude picture instead of sending it to your BAE.
13. Attempting to dirty talk, only for your partner to look at you like you're insane, get wildly turned off and make fun of you for it for the rest of your relationship.
14. Not cutting your nails the first time you hook up with girl and scratching her most delicate female parts with your razor-sharp talons.
15. Shaving your vagina right before sex, having razor burn all over your most delicate female parts and your partner mistaking your rabid razor burns for herpes.
16. Shaving your vagina right before sex, resulting in razor burn all over your most delicate female parts and the friction from sex being so painful against your raw skin, you want to scream (and not in pleasure).
17. The time you farted during sex and pretended it didn't happen.
18. The time your partner farted during sex, and YOU pretended it didn't happen.
19. The time you got cum in your eye and had the worst eye infection to ever grace your face. But you were too broke to go to the eye doctor, so you had to come up with an outlandish story as to why your eye was puffier than a camel's and as red as blood.
20. Forcing yourself to have sex with a person who treated you like garbage because your self-esteem was at an all-time low, and you didn't know your own worth.
But hey, now you do, and you'll never do that shit again.
So that's not really a sex fail because you learned it into an epic life lesson.