I can imagine what you're thinking you kind, socially aware entity sifting through the great expanse of the Internet:
How can I possibly be promoting girls recklessly sending nude pictures via text message?
Grant me the opportunity to disclaim: I'm an avid believer that knowledge is power. And while I don't think there is anything wrong or shameful about nude photographs of a person's body, I also don't think it's a subject matter that should be handled lightly.
First of all, please allow me to shout from the rooftops that this article is geared toward ADULT women, only. Never, ever, EVER should anyone who isn't of legal age ever send a picture to anyone that is in any way even remotely suggestive.
Now that we've cleared that part up, I think it's the absolute right of all girls to know exactly what they're getting into before pressing the irrevocable "send" button on a nude pic.
If you're going to do it, I want to make sure you have all the information to do it in the safest and most responsible manner.
I think of it in the same way that I think of sex education: I know from personal experience that abstinence-only sex "education" really doesn't f*cking work. I should know -- I grew up with it.
My friends and I were products of the "abstinence-only" rationale and bore witness to its failing of a generation.
Because young people will have sex, regardless of the frequency in which you tell them not to. And when responsible adults lack the wherewithal to have an honest, real conversation with them about it -- how can they be expected to know how to do it safely?
So us uneducated young boys and girls haphazardly dove in to sex with no guide, no map.
Half of my friends ended up 16 and pregnant, or had sex for the sorely wrong reasons or ended up with positive results and a slew of pesky STDs.
Who could blame them? No one is born with this knowledge.
On the contrary, my friends who attended more progressive, forward-thinking schools didn't end up with such sexually dire results. They waited until they were ready.
They used protection. They had an open dialogue about the pros and cons of sex with responsible adults who knew what they were talking about. Their education wasn't reduced to locker room gossip.
The same theory applies for nude pictures. We're going to f*cking send them, regardless of what anyone says.
Therefore, I feel it is my civic duty to give you, dear reader, the real 411 on nude pictures.
After all, we're highly sexual, irrepressibly curious creatures of the night. We aren't ashamed of our bodies. We're sex positive.
And to be quite f*cking honest, as long as you're sending your naughty pictures for the right reasons -- taking a naked selfie can be wildly empowering.
So, therefore, I proudly present to YOU the etiquette of sending and receiving nude pictures in the modern age:
You don't owe anyone a nude picture.
Taking a picture of yourself in the flesh is a vulnerable thing to do. It's you, in the raw, free of any protective outer layers. It's more intense than you might realize.
Before you press that unretractable "send," ask yourself the following, vitally important question:
Am I sending this picture for my own enjoyment, or am I sending it because the person I really, really, really like is asking me to?
It's sexy to turn a person on. I get super hot and bothered from knowing that my nude pic will drive my partner wild.
If you're sending the picture because someone is pressuring you to, however, or because you feel obligated because they paid for the date, DON'T SEND IT. If you're not overcome with desire at the prospect of it, it's not worth it.
Herein lies the golden rules about anything you do that pertains to sex: There is no such thing as obligation, and never do anything you don't want to f*cking do.
Set your parameters.
Hey girls, guess what? YOU get to define what exactly a "nude" picture is.
Maybe you want to keep your bra on? Maybe you just want to show one boob? Maybe you want to send a provocative picture of your bare clavicles -- it's all fine!
The glorious part of nude selfies is there is no creepy photographer who can pressure you or take pictures of you from obtrusive, unflattering angles.
That's one of the many empowering parts of selfies in general -- you get to control exactly what you look like.
Never, ever, I repeat, EVER, send a picture with your face in it.
I don't care if you're knee-deep in the glorious sea of love and trust your partner with every fiber of your precious being. When taking a nude pic, there is one body part you should never, ever, EVER bare: your face.
Think of it like having unprotected sex. No matter how much your partner promises you he will pull out before it's too late -- how can you be sure he has that kind of self-control? How can you really know he’s free of STDs?
Just like f*cking without a condom, you're putting yourself in dire risk for heaps of trouble and irrevocable damage.
At the end of the day, computers get hacked. The most responsible people on the planet lose their cell phones.
The person you thought would never betray you can turn out to be the biggest assh*le in the stratosphere.
Faceless nudes are like condoms: They let you get down and dirty with just the right amount of protection.
Make sure you triple check before pressing send.
GIRLS. If I hear "OMG, I accidentally sent the nude picture for my boyfriend to my BOSS!" one more time, I'm going to scream to the highest heavens.
Double and triple f*cking check.
Don't send a nude picture without receiving one first.
I will never forget when I was about 13 years old and teeming with wild curiosity about sex; I was quizzing an older, more experienced friend about her sex life.
It wasn't long before the conversation took an oral turn. This is when I learned the cardinal rule regarding oral sex.
She took a long, hard puff on her Marlboro Light 100 and, with her winged eyeliner and frosted shadow, stared at me with a great, profound intensity before reciting the following sentence I've never forgotten:
"Never give until you've received first."
Same goes for nude pics, ladies. Why should you take a gorgeous picture of the shining temple that is your body -- that your partner will surely get off too -- without you having one for your own enjoyment? Sex isn't one-sided.
Not only THAT -- but let's get f*cking real, girls: You never really, fully know who you can trust in this cruel, cold world. You need collateral.
Trust me, they will be far less likely to post pictures of your naked body on the Internet if they know you've got a dick pic from them stored on your trusty iPhone.
Be aware of the possibility that there is a 50/50 chance their friends will see your nude pictures.
We've all been there. Hopelessly in love. You think there is no way your partner would ever, ever, betray you. And maybe they won't.
Let's get real, real fast. How many times have your friends showed you the nude pics that get sent to them? My eyes bare witness to a nude pic that has been sent to a friend at least three or four times a week.
Sometimes, those you date just can't help themselves.
They throw back a few too many strong drinks at happy hour. They think you're f*cking sexy. They want to show you off. The next thing you know, their best friends have seen your naked body.
Maybe he is a gentleman and will safely store your nudes -- but you have no way of ever really knowing. When boys get together, sh*t can get crazy.
Same with girls. My friend passed around a picture of her boyfriend's dick to 10 of us at a booze-fueled gathering just the other night.
This is a stone cold reality you have to face when taking a nude pic. Maybe it doesn't bother you, or maybe you want to cover up a bit more -- it's up to you.
Personally, I only send nice faceless bra pictures for the first few times and take it from there. Trust builds over time. Full-frontal nude pictures are f*cking earned.
Don't show your friends your partners’ pictures, ever.
I don't care if your partner f*cks you over. If he turns out to be a cheating, lying, hellacious f*ckboy.
Let karma take care of him. We take the high road, ladies.
Consider the outlet you put them on.
Ladies. Women. Girls of the free world.
For the love of the higher power up above, don't put your nude pictures on Facebook Messenger! Facebook Messenger is the least secure place to put a nudie.
Personally, I'm all about the old-fashioned text nude. Send a warning text beforehand to make sure they aren't at a family gathering showing their grandparents how iPhones work.
My co-workers have great things to say about Snapchat, in particular Snapchat video (just be sure you're not posting it to your story).
Stay the f*ck away from email, especially work emails.
And most of all, the best advice I can give you is beware of the f*cking iCloud...